Sorry In advance for the long post but I really need to rant..
I'm a single mum to a beautiful 9 month old baby girl, I didn't plan on the single part as my baby was planned while in a relationship but a few months ago, my ex left me for someone else and I've since found out he was cheating on me also. There was a time when we were very happy, and we wanted nothing more than to start a family and therefore were ecstatic to find out we were expecting. However, he started to drink and take drugs through my pregnancy and put me through a lot of stress, we ended up moving house twice, he lost his job and his license and he became very abusive towards me. I ended up getting my own place and didn't allow him to live with me, told him he had to sort himself out or he would not be in mine and my daughters life. Through time, we reconciled and I helped him through AA meetings and social gatherings for people with alcohol and drug problems. He started to go back to the guy I once knew and we started to rebuild things right up to the last days of my pregnancy. I then had a really bad kidney infection and was hospitalised, induced four times then I took a stroke and had pneumonia . An emergency c section was performed a few hours after my daughters due date, so that she could be delivered safely. I was in a coma and put on life support . I lost a lot of oxygen and when I woke I didn't know my own name or know my family at all. I had temporary brain damage and my family were informed It may be permanent if I survive, and that it was also possible that I could lose my life. I had a very traumatic time in hospital, as when I woke I didn't understand why I wasn't pregnant anymore, and I had psychosis and thought the staff were people from school who were trying to kill me and I tried to escape several times despite just going through a major operation and having several wires attached to me. I still get flashbacks about the times I was screaming and terrified I was going to be killed . Anyway, my mum looked after my baby until I was well enough to take her but it took a long time to get a bond and I don't remember the first time I seen my daughter. My ex was really good in the early days and took on most of the baby duties until I felt a bond and well enough to do my bit . I was left with a blood clot in my brain and was sleeping most of the time, but when the mummy instincts started to kick in I became the primary carer. My ex started drinking again and became abusive, I kicked him out of my house after letting him stay to help out with the baby while I was recovering and I was very angry about how he had taken advantage of the situation. Anyway, after a million arguments and being on and off with eachother , he left me but didn't actually tell me, he just stopped returning my calls. I know it's a blessing in disguise as he is obviously a narcissistic person who was in some way set out to destroy me, but after everything I've been through i can't pretend I'm not hurt. I'm also on strong meds so I'm pretty tired a lot of the time, and my baby is going through sleep regression also so the nights are difficult and the days are exhausting right now. I don't have the energy to cook or keep on top of my house . I rarely see friends as they all work and I don't have the time or energy for nights out when offered. My mum takes my daughter one night a week but she also works and looks after my niece full time , while my dad works both night shift and day shift. My brothers also work and have kids of their own. I go and sit in my mums a couple of days a week to get out the house but my daughter cries a lot at her house so I can't help but feel like a burden at times even although she has a great bond with my family who are great with her. I pretend I'm ok, I see people and I'm all smiles but deep down I feel so drained and exhausted in every way .