How much does/did your partner care for your mental health postnatally?

[Choccheese]

I feel my partner is apathetic towards my mental health 10 weeks post baby (dc2).

With DC1, I suffered PND quite badly so had asked DP to watch out for my mental health with DC2.

We had a v rocky start due to his health at birth and other feeding complications but have made it through. However, the risks for my mental health were quite big. I feel ok overall but having some wobbles and I'm nervous about PND returning.

When I've cried postnatally over different things (I can count the times on one hand), he tells me "there's no need to cry" and offers no comfort or support. I got upset with him yesterdsy because he isnt interacting much with DC2 and seems to just wait to pass him over to me to feed. He said I was "just in a cob" refusing to talk about why I was upset.

He mentioned feeling a bit low towards the end of my pregnancy so I got some leaflets and contact numbers for him to help incase he's depressed during my 6week check, but he's not interested in looking and refuses to talk to anyone.

I spoke to him yesterday about how I feel and said I felt he wasn't providing me with mental and emotional support post-natally. I tried explaining why it's important to look out for me as I don't want to be mentally ill again.

He just responded abruptly and defensively "why aren't you looking out for my mental health?" Even though I've tried.

It's not just a lack of empathy, I feel there's complete apathy from him towards my mental health and even though i feel ok overall now, I'm worried his attitude might actually kickstart it.

Have other women felt supported by their partners mentally and emotionally? How did they support you?

Tbh I think your mental health is your responsibility. If someone asked me to look out for their mental health I wouldn’t really have a clue what to do except make them a cup of tea, look after the kids a bit so they could get some sleep/time out (depends on breastfeeding) & tell them to get some therapy/do what makes them happy if i thought they needed it.

I work with people who sometimes have very severe mental health problems and one message from the HCP’s seems to be that the person concerned is responsible for their mental health (i don’t Mean in a judgmental way that it’s their fault that they’re ill - no suggestion of that, but recognising that no-one else can make them better and they need to engage with the therapy and do the work etc that may help)

What sort of support do you need from him? I would be more specific.

Just not apathy. A cuddle when I'm upset rather than him telling me to stop crying, take the baby so that I can get a break rather than just waiting to hand him back to me, getting his own mental health sorted. Its almost like he's annoyed if I'm not feeling 100% and becomes snappy with me for getting upset.

7 years on, and I’ve taken my DH to therapy over this. I just can’t get over how abandoned I felt in years 1 & 2 following a traumatic birth/medical PTSD. Blind Freddie would have seen that I was dangerously not myself, not coping. Complete strangers were more help.

I didn’t/don’t expect him to ‘cure’ me, just use the basic tools of love, empathy and communication to get me the help I needed and keep an eye on my progress. Maybe a teeny bit of proactive support in word and gesture.

He accepts now that he did irreparable damage to our marriage, burying his head in the fucking sand.

Maybe find someone else who you can trust to see you through this period, and take it up with him down the track. Hugs to you from me. Xx