Hate feeling like this

[lilliannrose]

I had my little boy a little over four weeks ago now and ever since then I have been feeling thoroughly depressed and miserable. I hate and feel terribly guilty for feeling this way because I know I should be overjoyed and happy but I am not; I feel overwhelmed, perhaps even in denial about being a new Mum and just want to run away. I had quite a traumatic birth experience (ended up having an emergency section and then got an infection afterwards) which I think has greatly affected me bonding with my little one. I feel very ashamed to say that I haven't as yet got that overwhelming sense of love for him. When will that change? Please tell me it will cause he's a gorgeous little thing. I would be very grateful for any advice and/or support.

Sorry you're feeling the way that you are. Have you confided in anyone about how you're feeling?

I think what you describe is really normal but perhaps speaking to someone would help. I didn't have an immediate bond with my dd (now 3). I had a difficult birth with her and then struggled to breastfeed so it took a while for that bond to develop. We have an amazing bond now. With DD2 it's been a bit easier bonding wise (she's 7 weeks so early days) but I've had the guilt over the impact on DD1 to contend with and I cried every day for the first few weeks. Felt very overwhelmed. Still do at times. I confided in my health visitor early doors as well as telling DH that I was worried I was developing pnd. I also spoke to friends so I had a good support network around me.

I've found that the more I speak about my feelings and worries the more I find I'm not alone and how many others have felt the same x

@WelshMammy123 hi I am really grateful that you've replied. Yes I have spoken to my health visitor about it and she said it's not uncommon and that a lot of women tend to feel that way. I too have also struggled with breastfeeding; in actual fact I haven't been able to breastfeed at all due to my nipples being so flat which has eaten me up inside really because I had my heart set on it.
The doc has put me on some mild antidepressants and has referred me for counselling which I hope will help.

@WelshMammy123 ....I think also whah hasn't helped was that due to uncontrollable shaking as a side effect of the spinal block I had I wasn't able to hold him when he was born. My partner instead had the privilege of first hold which I am happy about but at the same time sad about because I wanted it to be me. I hope I don't sound bitter.

You don't sound bitter and i completely understand. I had an emergency c section with my first and planned with my second but DH has been the first to hold both of our DC. With DD1 I was so out of it I fell asleep so he had hours on his own with her before I woke up and held her. Although I was sad, he has such special memories of that time that I can't begrudge him. With DD2 it hasn't bothered me at all that he was the first to hold.

I think there is so much guilt when you become a parent for the first time. Be it feeding or how baby arrived or any number of other things. I combi fed DD1 and felt terrible I couldn't ebf but I look at her now and think I did the best I could by her and she's pretty amazing.

It's great you've reached out for some help and hopefully the counselling will help. Are you spending time with new mums as well? I've found my mum friends to be incredible as a source of support (but appreciate I'm lucky and it's not always like that).

I'm sure you'll be fine with time and talking x

You've had a challenging start to motherhood. It's natural to find your mind and emotions fixating on that and replaying it over and over in your head. But you can gently bring your attention back to the present each time you notice it happening.

Don't let the difficulties of the past take away the amazing present moments and future you have with DS.

You are doing so well.

@WelshMammy123 tbh I haven't spent time with any new mums. Most of the Mum and baby groups have ended for the summer so feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

@Rednaxela thanks for your kind words

I just wanted to say that you are not alone, I also felt this way (though my three are older now - aged 7, 4 and 3) but I felt very overwhelmed the first time and didn’t have a clue what I was doing and cried all the time. I also had a very difficult birth and struggled with breastfeeding and felt so jealous/angry every time I heard a positive birth story. It seemed that everyone else had just nailed it and I, for some reason, hadn’t. At the time, I felt so alone. But I wanted to echo the words of the previous poster about the more you talk about it, the easier it becomes. In the world of Facebook and constant images of perfect parenting, it can be easy to feel that you’re the only one struggling but you’re really not. It’s hard work and the sleep deprivation alone is enough to floor most people, let alone keeping a human alive 24/7! You are doing an amazing job and it does get easier, I promise you. Find someone to talk to (for me, it was an older work colleague who was a bit of an earth mother and just made me feel normal) and let it all out. You’ll be amazed at how many women feel the same. Good luck.

Hi! I just want to say, you know it's absolutely ok to feel like this? I remember when they handed my little girl to me, I didn't feel the overwhelming rush of love, more like a 'oh my god what am I supposed to do with this tiny human' one thing I did find really helpful was talking about the birth. I talked it over and over with a couple of close friends and my husband and whilst I didn't necessarily have a traumatic birth, it was what I needed to do to get through it.

Don't be embarrassed about how you feel or asking for help. Take it easy on yourself, you've just produced a tiny human, you're an absolute hero 😘 sending you a massive hug x

@PennyGH hi penny, thanks for your kind words. Yeah I am praying it will. Just got to have faith I guess.

@Emsmomma hi there, thanks for saying it's ok to feel like this. It's surprising how many other mums do actually or have felt the same way. I don't feel like such a horrible, cold feeling person. The doc has put me on meds and I just pray that this postnatal depression will get better.