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Postnatal health

As with all health-related issues, please seek advice from a RL health professional if you're worried about anything.

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Original poster

I walked out today

24 replies

daughterofanarchy · 02/07/2018 17:20

Today I just snapped. The pnd, the screaming baby, the four year old who has regressed and can’t wipe her bum resulting in stained pants every day. Husband too busy with his work even though he tries to help. Today he was working from home and the final straw was when DC1 announced (an hour after coming home from school) that she had pooed her pants at school. I hadn’t realised as she was in the garden playing with her grandad. I bathed and cleaned her up after telling her that it’s not Nice doing it every day. But between everything else on my plate (previous thread) and this I just told hubby I was going out and left. Currently sat in the car park of our local park and don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like driving and never coming back. But I have nowhere to
Go.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

coffeehasgonecoldagain · 02/07/2018 17:22

Oh this sounds really tough. It's such a hot day so can you take yourself for a cool drink in a cafe or supermarket somewhere and just sit.

Original poster

daughterofanarchy · 02/07/2018 17:27

Thanks @coffee, I’m going to see if I can find somewhere. I just needed to let it out as I don’t have anyone to reach out to on real life and I just needed to let it out. I guess it’s
Just one of those days

OP posts:

ElinorCadwaller · 02/07/2018 17:33

Leave them to it for a couple of hours. Take yourself to see a film, or go for a cup of tea somewhere. Could your DH do more to support you? If so he needs to understand the point you're at and this is a pretty good way to communicate it to him.

Original poster

daughterofanarchy · 02/07/2018 17:43

Thank you for your reply Elinor. He does try to help but his job is stressful and on top of that his boss has encouraged him to do a PhD, which is being approved shortly. so his working life is pretty full on. I don’t want to drag him down but he wanted the second baby more than me (and now he’s swanning off doing his PhD) and I’m left behind battling with both kids. He does help with washing the bottles, takes DC1 to school one morning a week, but I’m
Cracking under the strain.

OP posts:

coffeehasgonecoldagain · 02/07/2018 17:50

Focus on the here and now - meet your immediate needs ie. Finding somewhere that isn't like the centre of the sun (!), a nice cool drink, something to eat perhaps. Take some deep breaths and tell yourself you are only human, you are doing the best you can and that you will come up with an action plan for change. If you can write down the trigger areas of life eg. Feeling pressured for time and the knock on effect is not being able to do xyz... And then make a list next to it with possible (even if they don't seem attainable to you right now) solutions eg hire a cleaner once a month/week/etc...one night "off" a week, friend to help in short-term with school runs etc etc

Chocolatecake12 · 02/07/2018 17:54

Having children is the most difficult job on earth and we all need time to get away from the everyday strains and struggles.
Could you make it a regular thing? Going out for a walk in the evening when hubby gets home? Or for a coffee with a friend?
Do not feel guilty for today, tomorrow is a fresh day and so is the one after that.

ElinorCadwaller · 02/07/2018 17:58

I hope you can chill out a bit tonight. Will the PhD be on top of everything else? It's a huge undertaking and it sounds like maybe this isn't the time for it. When you've had a bit of headspace maybe you can weigh that up properly.

BackforGood · 02/07/2018 18:03

Bless you. I suspect many parents have either done this, or felt like doing this and not been able to. I know I have wanted to, on many occasions.
Please don't be cross with your dd - she isn't doing it on purpose. Have a look at ERIC website. It really is a very common issue, that you don't hear about until it affects your dc, as people don't like to mention it in conversation.

As others have said, go and find yourself somewhere cool to sit and get a drink and just breath for a bit. Dwell on all the positives. Tomorrow is another day.

Original poster

daughterofanarchy · 02/07/2018 18:15

Thank you all for your support, ideas and responses. I will definitely check out the ERIC website as I need to resolve DDs issue. I’ve had to come
Back home as stupid MIL has FaceTimed me (which I rejected) then sent me a message saying Dd1 is missing me. This has pissed me off even more as I had not told Dd1 I was going out it seems they’ve told her that mummy left because she was upset about Dd1 soiling herself. MIL has no tact at all. And it wasn’t even just about DD1 it was everything else going on

OP posts:

CassandraLamontaigne · 02/07/2018 18:20

Ugh what a crappy day you've had.
Could you go out by yourself every day at a set time (6-6:30 for example) . Leave your phone at home.

Make it the same time every day, non negotiable. Otherwise there'll be something else your DH has to do and you can go out "later" which will never happen.

Could DH postpone his PhD?

endofthelinefinally · 02/07/2018 18:27

MIL is clearly not very intelligent. She needs to read the ERIC website.
You really dont need her making things worse.

Original poster

daughterofanarchy · 02/07/2018 18:28

@Cassandra, my understanding is that he won’t start until next year but I don’t know exactly when (I’m not very academic myself and don’t know much about these things) - I hope things improve though. My mental health has been down for several years now following Dd1’s birth.
I do think that I need some Time to myself each day- some days are so hectic that I don’t even get tine for a cup of tea. I know that that’s the sacrifice we all make as parents but I feel so downtrodden

OP posts:

CassandraLamontaigne · 02/07/2018 18:59

daughter I don't know much about PhD either except they sound like bloody hard work. If it's necessary for DHs job to do it right now , ok, fine. If he's doing it as a vanity project/hobby then nope! Have a chat to him to clear up his motivation.

And yes, parents make sacrifices but from your post it seems like you are the one sacrificing your mental health. You haven't said your DH is not helpful but he needs to do more.

I have an 8month old baby . I've told my Dh I want time every day to do yoga. Just 20 mins on you tube. He agrees this is fine

I've done yoga maybe 8 times in the last 2 months. And the first few times I was interrupted by DH and baby. DH however does his hobby out in the garden every day.

If we women don't insist on taking time for ourselves it will not be given

Original poster

daughterofanarchy · 02/07/2018 19:04

“If we women don't insist on taking time for ourselves it will not be given”

This is so true

OP posts:

spugzbunny · 02/07/2018 20:05

I'm not sure if this helps at all but in my experience PhDs do follow the normal school calendar so it would be a September start next year.

BackforGood · 02/07/2018 20:23

That is SO unhelpful of your MiL.... both bothering you when you clearly need time to draw breath on your own, but also telling them it was about the soiling. How can parents be so emotionally illiterate.

MotherofPearl · 02/07/2018 20:33

No specific advice to offer OP - others have already offered some great ideas - but just wanted to say that I really do sympathise. I recognise that feeling. Looking after young children is just so utterly relentless. You deserve regular time to yourself, whether to see friends, do a hobby, or just do nothing. and for you.

Original poster

daughterofanarchy · 02/07/2018 20:55

Thank you all- I really value each and every suggestion and your kind words. Just put the eldest to bed and made sure to tell her none of this is her fault. Thankfully she seems to have understood that but I will be speaking to MIL about her choice of words

OP posts:

chronicallyexhausted · 02/07/2018 20:56

Can you tell your eldest "what a silly thing for grandma to say, I popped to Tesco to buy some bread!" And play it down?

Original poster

daughterofanarchy · 02/07/2018 21:09

@chronicallyexhausted - that’s what I had to do, along the lines of “grandma was confused about where mummy was” she’s a sensitive child and if she thinks she had hurt someone it bothers her for days and she does take things to heart. So I had to do a lot of fast talking.

OP posts:

BrexitWife · 02/07/2018 21:12

I do think that I need some Time to myself each day- some days are so hectic that I don’t even get tine for a cup of tea.

Then take it!
Seriously, your DH might be busy. He might do a PhD. It doesn’t sop him from actually stepping up a father and make sacrifices too. Just like you are doing.
If he has an issue with it, remind him of the safety briefing on a place. In case of the oxygen mask going down, put YOUR mask on FIRST and then help your children.
That time off on your own is YOUR oxygen mask. Wo it, you won’t be able to carry on looking after the dcs, support him and facilitate his job (by cooking, cleaning etc etc).
So TAKE THAT TIME OFF. Everyday. Have half an hour or an hour just for yourself. Have a bath. A cup of tea in the garden. Go for a walk. Whatever it is that works for you that day.

The reality is that no one is going to tell you ‘oh look tired. Have some time for yourself whilst I look after the dcs’. Or at least, not on a regular basis.
So please, look after yourself and put yourself first so yu ca;carry in looking after everyone else.
It’s ok. You deserve it. You have the right for it too.

chronicallyexhausted · 02/07/2018 21:12

Sounds like you have done an absolutely brilliant job of instilling confidence in your daughter and tactfully taking your MIL down! I know all this is really really hard but you will get through this.

daytonabeach · 02/07/2018 21:15

Your MIL needs telling to keep out of your marriage and parenting. Why was she even in your house when you weren’t there?

BackforGood · 02/07/2018 22:05

dayto OP said that her dc were in the garden playing with Grandad, in her first post. I suspect they were there to see the family, and stayed when OP left. It isn't that strange.

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