Feel like I made a big mistake having baby late in life

[Lia73]

I had my beautiful ds in April, three months after turning 45. I had no complications during pregnancy and had a c section with a quick recovery. Baby is perfect. I already have a 23 year old dd and we are super close. I've been with my dp for 13 years and he always wanted his own child. I was reluctant but stopped contraception at 37. went through secondary infertility for years before becoming pregnant last August. Despite the fact we'd been trying it was a huge shock after all those years and came after a time I thought we should have called it a day. I thought I'd be over the moon but I was just depressed. Worried about the pregnancy, the change the responsibility and being a Mum again when we had raised a child well and life was fun and relaxing. Also depressed at being such an old mum. I know I blessed with my little man but I've felt even more depressed since he was born as I am not coping with the sleepless nights and feeling my own life is now effectively over when I loved the life I had and the freedom I'd got. I can't believe I'd been so stupid to change my mind about having another child but I really thought it would be great and so wanted my dp to experience what I had. Now I resent him for it not being enough for him with the three of us when life was so easy and he's helped raise my dd since she was 10. I don't mean to be mad with him as he deserves to be happy but I'm so moody, I just miss my freedom and feel so sad at having to go through raising a child again 23 years after doing it before. I think it's fine for people to have kids late in life but for me, I'm thinking my poor ds will resent us having such old parents. I'll be 63 when he is 18. I feel it's all such a mess and want to turn back time. I love my baby and feel so sorry he's got me as a mother, he deserves better. I know I've been blessed with him but when I went to the doctors with him for his check up, the dr noticed straight away I wasn't right and has prescribed me setraline which I haven't taken yet. Please can anyone tell me if they've felt like this or has not resented older parents. Sorry for long post just don't know who to talk to.

I tried for a baby aged 44 and fell pregnant miscarried
I then fell immediately for twins the next month
Miscarried at 2 months one and then henotqghed lost baby Lily at 5 months pregnant to sepsis

Tbh in my pregnancy I did wonder how I’d cope being older

I think we all ah e those times we are tired can’t feel we are coping but you have a blessing and maybe see it as so

My daughter had baby no 3 in 26 months when I lost my babies and I do look at him and think he would of been very wanted here and he’s not had the best 30 months of life with his parents

Seeing the negatives in everything, and losing sight of any positives, is a classic sign of PND.
You need to look after yourself, take this seriously, and go back to GP.

Life will be different with a baby , but you can't know yet if you'll look back with great contentment at how life has turned out.

Will DC be unhappy that you're an older Mum? The ages involved are not far off my youngest DC and me, and it's absolutely not an issue for them. So no, very probably that'll be fine.

Everything looks bleak through the glasses of negativity and PND. Get help, and things will be different, quite soon.

Oh, and for you

I agree that you may have a bit of pnd but what people forget is that a couple of generations ago women continued to have babies well into their 40's my dad had an aunt who was 18months younger then he was & that was quite common but your generation is much healthier & "younger" physically then they were! My mum was very middle age at 40 & you don't sound like that! Many educated professional women are having their children in their 30's& 40's you wont be alone in that! Age is about physical health, fitness & your state of mind -I have met young women in their 20's who acted middle aged!

Thanks for replying so quickly and I'm so sorry for your losses. I know, when I think of what people go through who are so desperate for a baby I feel awful for feeling the way I do. As I really thought I wanted a baby, I know how painful it feels to not be able to have one when its so easy for others. I haven't experienced a loss so I can only imagine how painful that is. I'm
Sure if I'd not conceived I would have continued to feel sad about that but I wouldnt have brought another person into the world. it's like the grass is always greener. I know I've been so blessed and I need to see that just didnt realise I would feel so out of my depth and feel so stupid for not thinking more about this before. I really feel for you and anyone who has suffered a loss or can't conceive.

Early days OP, it will get easier. Have you got support in RL? Anyone to help you have a rest, young babies are hard work. And you are still recovering. These feelings will pass in time, try not to worry.

Try the Sertraline. It really helped me after having my ds at 40. There are many, many mums having children in their 40's so it is not unusual anymore. Enjoy your beautiful boy!

My sister had two children near 50 naturally and said she is beyond knackered as she is entering peri-menopause now with very young children and tbh when you are going through that period you need rest and recuperation not running yourself ragged.
Quite honestly your husband needs to step up to the mark and help out much more.
I wouldn't see it as a loss of freedom though, just having an extra person around. What's done is done, offload as much as possible, don't allow yourself to become the main care giver and the person who does everything.
My sister did that and she is seriously pissed off with her husband to the point of divorce, make him do everything.

Just a different perspective, my mum was 43 when I was born and my dad 53. My sister (same mum, different dad) was 24 years older than me so a very similar situation. I know I was a bit of a nightmare colicky baby so it can't have been easy for my mum but she was truly my best friend in the world and there wasn't a day that went by when I didn't speak to her. She died 6 years ago (brain tumour, nothing age related at all) and I still miss her every day. I am also incredibly close to my sister despite the age gap. So I suppose all I'm trying to say is please don't think that preconceptions about ages will negatively impact on relationship strengths as your little boy grows up x

you are not very old to have baby again. at 63 you wont be very old for your 18 years old ds.
its early days of the baby so it must be difficult, i hope your dh helps.
i think you need to take the sertraline.

I think, as others say, sounds like you have some PND.

Not the same, but I was a carefree career girl who was surprised to be pregnant and then shocked to find it was twins. I struggled to adapt, going from a comfy easy fun.life to having two at once. I was 32 so very used to being independent with disposable income all apent on me!

It was a shock but eventually got easier, which I'm hoping it will for you. My nan had babies in her teens, 20s, 30s and 40s, so please don't feel you stand out - especially in an era of having babies later.

Talk to your GP and DH and daughter. It's OK to admit this IRL and not everybody is full of the joys of spring when they have a baby. It's a taboo subject, which is why I think it's honest and brave of you to admit this.

Please take care and big hugs. Your post really resonated and I can feel your turmoil, so don't be alone in this one.

I think it is hard in your 40's (I have two small ones and am the same age as you). You could have PND or be in the perimenopause which is exhausting in my experience. Do see your GP or at least speak to someone who would be supportive in RL as in both cases there are things you can do/take to make yourself feel better. Can you make sure you have enough support and time to rest too? That makes a huge difference for me. The early days are the hardest... it will get better!

OP I completely understand your situation and get what you mean 100%. I too fell pregnant naturally at 44 after giving up trying to conceive a second child years before due to many miscarriages. Once I got over the shock of being pregnant I did start to look forward to it but when my baby arrived I found it so hard. I don't think I had pnd but I did feel very isolated mainly due to the fact that all my friends had finished with babies by then so no meet ups in the park that I'd experienced with my child I'd had in my early 30's. I tried mother and baby clubs and although I went for dd I felt so out of place and at least 10 years older than anyone else there, I stopped because I was convinced that people would think I was the grandmother not mother. Many people I know my age are grandparents and someone I work with is the same age as me but she is a grandmother to 3.

Things have got better now that DD is 8 and we can go more places but the first years were very difficult and whilst I've always loved her I do know what you mean about missing your freedom and worrying about being a much older mum, I also feel sad and guilty that she's not going to have me as her mum for as long as she should.

It's difficult for others who haven't experienced being an older mother to appreciate.

Aw, sorry that you are feeling like that. My friend had her children at 40 and 44. They are now 23 and 19 and my friend is 64. To be honest, I’ve always thought of her as a similar age to me, she has a young outlook and also her mother is still alive and in good health in her nineties. Those early weeks are hard. Is your dp pulling his weight? I do understand how you feel though, my kids are now 19 and 16 and I saw that an acquaintance from my sons year, has just had a baby. I wondered at first if it was one of her daughter’s baby. How has your daughter reacted?

Hi Op,

I had my little girl just shy of 39 and she's my first. I've struggled with sleepless nights also, but I think the lack of sleep and the work involved raising a newborn can overshadow what other people think should be a happy time.
It will get easier for sure and I do know what you mean about freedom. I met my DP quite late and in theory always wanted 2 DC's but with the work involved, I think we decided to just have one now, which means when we are out as a family, we can easily return to our hobbies. My DC is 10 months now and we have no parental support being older parents as well, so my other half takes over when I need a break.
Just remember (and I tell myself this also when feeling low) the difficult times are just temporary and it won't last, once he is a little older and more independent you won't look back and it will be wonderful having your cheeky little chappie. Plus your husband will also get more enjoyment at this point, being able to do boys trips together. Hang on in there, soon enough the hard times will pass and there will be periods of which it starts to feel easier. Also don't worry about age, in my NCT group I'm the youngest - all the other mums are 40-44. He won't mind honestly, plus you've got life experience and wisdom on your side 😇 (so I like to tell myself ) 😂

Thank you for all the replies. It really does help to know people have been in similar situations and that it will get easier. I am grateful for what I have but just can't help thinking that now is the time I should be enjoying life and being carefree like everyone else I know my age instead of gearing up for nursery, school run again etc. We also really have no support and that's hard as it would be nice to get a proper break. I really miss my sleep lol! I'm going back to my doctor tomorrow. I've been taking setraline for a week now. Can't say I feel any different as yet but hopefully it will kick in soon. I do
Appreciate all the comments. Iamloading - it was lovely to read your post. I hope my family situation will be turn out like that 😊.

It sounds like you might have a touch of PND. Sorry to hear you are feeling like that, it's so hard. Talk to your GP ?

I'm similar, although my DS is now a bit older. Even at 4 he doesn't sleep through the night -it's mainly that -that is knackering.

I think there is PND, exhaustion and lack of sleep -they are different. My husband at the time, didn't step up (in face he went back to hobbies and was out of the house 6am -9pm) and for other reasons on top -we divorced. So I'm now full time mum, career woman, commuter, dog owner -plus all the other animals and I do it all alone.

It is knackering. Due to an accident I got home at 7.30pm tonight and missed various activities -I had a good year of secretly thinking - What the F have I done ? My life was so perfect. Now, I wouldn't change it for the world. Even though he doesn't sleep -I still love him and they keep me young and fit. Chin up love. Ask your DP to give you plenty of nights off. Sleep for England and I promise you it will get better xx

See what your oh can do to properly share the load too.

I heard a Mum say how having her son means she does much more active stuff - eg canoeing, bike rides - ok she’d rather be knitting, but she muses that there is plenty of time left for that later on when he doesn’t want to be seen with her .