PND, and allegations about me - feel so alone

[daughterofanarchy]

Hello,

I just needed a safe space to vent and possibly get some support. Apologies it’s long I will try to keep it as on point as I can.

I gave birth to Dc2 four months ago. I’ve suffered PND since but not severely. I had it with Dc1 as well but very badly and was suicidal.
I said one child was enough but DH convinced me that Dc1 needed a sibling. Eventually i relented. I made it clear to him that it was very likely I could develop PND again. He felt I would be ok this time and that I’m stronger now etc. He also felt his understanding of my condition was better than it had been when I first had it.

So my second pregnancy was not great health wise, and had planned section due to previous health issues. Scar would not heal and I was in pain for weeks.

There’s four year gap between the kids and as a result Dc1 very bitter about losing my attention even though we try to get her involv d and have one on one time.

Anyway one evening she behaved terribly (want d me to drive back to her nan’s house to get a toy she had forgotten and I refused to) and I had enough of her behaviour so asked my MIL who lives with us to put Dc1 to bed. The next day school call me in to say Dc1 alleged that “mummy smacked me last night at bedtime” I was heartbroken as it is simply not true.(and as stated MIL had put her to bed that night not me), I explained to teacher that Dc1 has been abit resentful of losing my time and also the situation which may have led to the allegation. Teacher said they
Noticed that she had become a quieter since I had the baby.

Anyway as far as I know nothing came of this and teacher seemed to accept with what I had told her but it’s been three weeks now and I live in constant fear of a knock at the door from social services. I love that girl and I would die without her. She’s my world.

Dc2 is a very needy baby as well she had colic in early weeks and had to go on special milk. This settled her digestive issue but she’s still clingy and I can’t get anything done at home it’s causing friction in my marriage. Hubby has just been diagnosed type 2 diabetes which was a total shock as well and trying to com to terms with that.

DH works in a different city (1.5- 2 hours away) and helps when he can but the majority of household stuff is on me. As are thI night feeds. I can’t nap in th day as Dc2 doesn’t sleep much at all. We have a large house and live with my in laws who are lovely but can only help so much. DH wanted Dc2 more than me and I feel resentful of him- he’s swanned off back to work in his office with his fancy lunches and two hour coffee breaks . The he comes home and goes out to play sports while I’m drowning in housework and needy children. I don’t get to work out my weight had ballooned I feel fat and ugly and have no interest in intimacy anymore- it’s like I WANT him to leave me. But he is a wonderful man he really does try hard and I feel like a complete cow. I also resent not being able to get out much as Dc2 doesn’t even sleep in pram
So can’t even look around the shops without her kicking off.

In sum My parenting is under scrutiny and I feel that teachers at school are now watching my every move, I feel awkward and like a pariah. Ive stopped taking my anti depressants as I don’t want anyone to say “oh well she’s on tablets she must have smacked her kid”.
i feel like I should just leave and go away and everyone would be better off without me. Sick of living in fear and having no life.

I have no experience of PND myself but I do know as a teacher that no one at school would think you must have hit your daughter because you’re on anti depressants. I really think you should start taking them again to help you see your way out of the fog.
I’ve worked a lot with social services and they are not going to take your daughter away due to one accusation. They know that 4 year olds are tricky at the best of times. Do you know if the school have referred it to social services? If they did they would have sent a form to the safeguarding hub and would have a reply by now. Certainly in my area I would have had a letter saying they aren’t going to proceed. Can you ask the school?
It sounds like you really need to talk to someone. Does your husband understand the pressure on you? Had he done a day at home and experienced the children and how it’s impossible to get anything done?
Have you got any friends you can offload to?

Thank you for your reply. I don’t know if the school referred it to social services but I think you are right I should ask them where it stands. Dh tries to understand and he knows that I’m struggling, but he hasn’t experi need a day like this by himself. However, for the first time this coming weekend he is going to be home alone for one day with the baby while I take Dc1 out for the day. So we will see how he gets on. I just need to feel human again.
I do have a few friends but I’m scared to talk to them about this, my mother was my confidante and my rock when I had my first child but currently she has a lot of problems dealing with my sibling who has quite severe mental health issues at this time.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my message and reply. It means a lot to know that someone who I don’t know cared enough to respond. I feel a bit better regards the school now and I will approach them tomorrow about the matter.
Thank you again.

Oh poor you.
You have a lot on your plate and postnatal depression on top. No professional in this area would judge you for a minute for struggling and taking antidepressants. At most they will want to help you. You sound very down and stretched sand I would think that your antidepressants might be a good idea . Why don't you pop back to your GP or have a word with your health visitor to talk things through.As far as the smack ( not) is concerned ; again I really don't think your Child's teacher will be worrying about it. They have heard all sorts from their charges. Why don't you approach her again and talk it through?
I am sorry that your husband isn't supporting you well.
Sorry OP

You sound like an amazing mum, your parenting is not under scrutiny but you feel that it is, I previously worked in school nursing which involved loads of safeguarding, the amount of children that tell porkies is huge, that's what kids do especially little ones who've just had their noses put out of joint, if they have referred I strongly suspect no further action would be taken, they are pretty good at sifting out the genuine and not genuine stories. Your DH said he feels he would be better prepared this time in respect of your health, he needs to put sports to one side for a bit and give you some help, have a chat with him, if he's seen you unwell before surely hell do everything to prevent that. I've no experience of PND personally but really wanted to reassure over smacking incident xx

Thank you all so much for your input and advice. Honestly your words have really uplifted me today and brought some light to my life. I feel like there is hope things will get better. Thank you all from the bottom
Of my heart.