Still upset that breastfeeding didn't work out 9 months on

[lavenderandroses1234]

Hello lovely ladies,

I just wanted to find out if anyone was feeling the same many months on? I honestly think some days I'm fine when out and about but on the quieter reflective days I still have an agonising internal struggle with it all that so much so that when I took my LG to the HV to be weighed recently I broke down in tears about not BF.
After an emergency c section and an extended stay in hospital baby had lost nearly 12% in weight and was showing signs of jaundice, my milk hadn't arrived I was completely exhausted and my partner came to the hospital to pick me up and made the decision we should switch to formula, and to be honest he was completely right, it was a big relief as she was clearly starving and it meant I could actually put a feeding plan In place around bottles and feel in control again. I completely lost my faith and confidence in breastfeeding and felt a complete failure, but happy to see my little one thriving after a week and regaining weight. She was then getting a mixture of BM and formula as finally my milk was in and I could finally express as well. Thinking back I wasn't offered any support or help getting BF going again and I think my mental state was probably still to fragile to even try, plus the hospital gave the impression that when we asked for formula that the BF journey was over and we could be discharged. I remember feeling quite upset when leaving the hospital also.

Anyway, getting to the point of having her I had subsequent miscarriages and investigations, but after taking aspirin things had finally resolved so it's been a difficult and stressful pregnancy. I'm so lucky she was born healthy and my partner is always reminding me of how much I do for her and how much she is loved and that I should honestly not worry, but I do look at her and feel I've completely let her down and should of tried much harder

I love her dearly and I just assumed naively I would be BF - bought all the clothes, rocking chair, special bras and so on. I'm really hoping that when she is fully weaned and bottle feeds are behind me that it will get easier and I can start to find peace with it all. Just wondering if anyone else feels the same?

Hi,

I don't have any wise words to share but completely empathise with you. My DD is 4 weeks old and we've struggled to establish breast feeding. She's been combi fed since birth due to issues with latch and slowly been reducing the amount of bottles.

It has had me in tears and been one of the hardest things to deal with. I've cried over her as I've given her a bottle and resented my husband feeding her as I thought it 'should' be me.

In my times of worry my mind goes to the stats about breast fed babies but someone on MN wrote there's nothing wrong with formula, which changed my thinking. I also think the MOST important thing is that our babies are fed, secondary to that is the method they are fed by.

Please don't feel sad and when you do look at your beautiful, thriving baby to remind yourself what a great job you're doing! X

I did feel the same but the best thing for my ds was the formula that stopped him being hungry. I hadn’t realised I was producing such little milk and after 10 days he had lost almost 20% of his birth weight. My midwife who was a dear friend gave him his first formula feed as I just couldn’t do it. I have a photo of him taken at that time just after I’d bathed him and he looks so scrawny.
At my 6 week pn check my dr asked how I was feeding and I broke down when I said bottle feeding. He was an old school dr and said ‘ my dear, I don’t care if you feed him steak and chips - he looks healthy and happy and that’s your aim’.
I started to feel better at that point.
My ds is now 16. He went to grammar school and has just taken his GSCEs. He’s almost 6ft tall and lovely!
Honestly the way you feed your baby will be the best way for you and the baby and when they’re 5 and starting school you will neither know or care or be able to tell who was breast or formula fed.
Don’t let this minor thing spoil the time you have with your baby, don’t let it worry you.

I'm very sympathetic. I had an EMCS as well. My milk came in but my lo didn't want to latch. He was jaundiced as well, so on the 2nd day the midwives suggested formula. I breastfed as much as I could, pumped, took all the supplements and drugs - most of what I remember from the first few months is this - but lo couldn't get enough from me so we were probably 80/20 on formula/breastfeeding. I was really upset for months - it really broke my heart to see my lo scream as I brought him to my breasts. I stopped actively trying at 4 months and slowly made my peace. Now at 11 months, he'll actually latch on willingly and sometimes push away the bottle so he can feed from me, which makes me feel over the moon. But I'll never stop feeling sad about the first few months or envious of all the mums who can exclusively breastfeed. I do feel grateful to do any breastfeeding at all I'm very glad that he's happy and healthy.

You need to cut yourself some slack. For many bf is a difficult thing to establish successfully and if your MH was shaky to start with (after what sounds like a difficult pregnancy and birth) then outting yourself through that could have landed you with PND.

At the end of the day, you have brought a healthy baby in to the world and you are feeding her & love her. Breast is only best when it works for everyone involved.

Why do you think you are still holding on to this? Are you looking for permission to stop feeling guilty?

The bottles are reminding you aren’t they? Won’t be for much longer. Hope you get over it. Don’t feel bad. You tried.

@fascinated that's right it's hard as she's still not eating despite being on 3 meals a day but has 5 bottles still. I think if she was weaning better and reducing bottles I would probably feel less anxious.

I keep came across a few different studies some on the Internet regarding gut health/ c sections and it completely flawed me. But then I know many babies are completely fine being bottle fed in fact I was, as my mums's milk never arrived. My first stay in hospital since I was born was this pregnancy and I'm 39. Also to add, my little one has also had a bout of diarrhoea for a couple of wks first illness which has meant switching formulas as she may be intolerant suddenly, which has impacted me even further about my failure to breastfeed. So I'm not looking for permission to not feel guilty, I think those emotions come with the territory whether its breastfeeding or something else.
I do appreciate the support on here and thank you all for your comments.

My friends who were desperate to breastfeed also are sad, but we don't really talk about it as I think it serves no purpose as we can't change were we are so we focus on other things when we meet. Maybe that's wrong and it should be discussed more openly or maybe I'm still struggling and they've come to terms with it all and moved on, which is were I'll get eventually when I know everything is ok x

So you were bottle fed and never been in hospital for illness. I was breastfed and have been hospitalised plenty. I'm also asthmatic. Breast milk is not a fail safe for avoiding these things.

I think your instincts are absolutely right, you had little support and pressure to feed formula due to weight loss.
You were recovering yourself, be kind to yourself, you cannot change the past. I think talking will help, even though you can't change it.
As mums all we can do is make the best decision we can at that time. We're all just doing our best, that may not be perfect, but this is real life 💚

I can understand how you feel, I felt very similar with my first. I had a forceps delivery and a 3 litre PPH and my milk just didn't come in as I was so ill. At nine months I definitely still felt guilty.

I think you need to challenge these thoughts every time they occur with logic. I have a nine month old DS2 who is recovering from his second surgery at the moment. He's formula fed but I haven't cared a bit as I'm just grateful that he has survived through some very shaky times.

Breastfeeding doesn’t always work out but there’s nothing to say it won’t if you have another. I have one who was mostly formula and one who is ebf. The formula fed baby is almost 3 and never ever been to the GP for an illness. I totally understand the guilt but you’ve done the best you can for your baby.

You poor pet. It's awful you didn't get enough help with breastfeeding. I bottle fed through choice but it was a relief when she hit one and there were no more bottles the whole judgey shite from other people was over. Honestly it's such a teeny part of their lives.

Just wanted to give you some hugs and well wishes. It sounds like such a stressful experience to get to your healthy baby.

I don't know if this will make you feel better, but I work in an infant school and I cant tell which parents breastfed their babies. It makes no difference. The important factor is having warm responsive parents and it sounds like that is you.

@Cheeseandapple thank you so much for your kind words and think that's right about seeing the stats popping ie into a children's centre and seeing a poster on top to toe breast milk health benefits for baby. I honestly shouldn't read it but I kind of do glance at it x

@Chocolatecake12 thank you for sharing your story. I love the old school doctors like that it sounds like he saved your sanity many years ago

@Sunrise888 gosh you tried so hard to make it work, I think it also hard as you feel a natural labour gets taken away however you are also hugely relieved your baby has been delivered safely x

@Bobbiepin thanks also your support and wise words x

@stepbystepdoula
@Rockandrollwithit
@Waitingonasmiley42
@Luxembourgmama

Your messages brought tears to my eyes this morning. It's been a tough few weeks with her upset tummy as we've been practically housebound and missed all our swimming classes.
I'm going the doctors today about getting her tested for lactose intolerance. I also think she may need to mouth looking at by a tongue tie specialist and not sure if this in inhibiting her ability to eat? She takes bottles very slowly but a HV assured me not to worry but I think I should get it checked out privately no harm so to speak.
Thank you again, I feel much better after reading your posts. I don't really have anyone to talk to apart from my partner, but he's got a huge amount on his plate with the sudden passing of his mum and the worry of an elderly Dad who lives in Scotland.

@Rockandrollwithit hope your little one is on the way to a speedy recovery, it's clearly been a tough year for you - plus you're completely right challenging my thoughts with logic xx

I won't go into too much detail but my first lost 12% weight so we started to combination feed. Breastfeeding didn't go very well but then found out he was tongue tied. By the time the tongue tie was fixed we were just using formula. Felt like a failure and that I hadn't tried hard enough and did beat myself up about it. Second child no tongue tie, lost 14% and we were readmitted to hospital. Essentially made to give a small amount of formula. Again combination fed using and expressed every spare minute and tried medication to increase supply and it became apparent that I just don't make enough milk. Gave up at 5 months with my second when I had the flu and supply vanished basically overnight. My first child I felt like I hadn't tried hard enough so I tried so hard the second time and it still didn't work. That honestly helped me come to terms as actually nothing I did would have made a difference. Both kids are bright as a button and I really do feel ok with formula feeding and it was best for my kids. Much better than starving them. Just wanted to reassure you that I came to terms with it and it was the best thing so please don't beat yourself up about it.

Two things come to mind reading this.

1. you DID breastfeed your baby - you’ve said she had a combination of breast milk and formula early on, and will have had immune benefits from this so well bloody done. I had an ample supply and lots of support and early days were STILL tricky so you’ve honestly done brilliantly, both to get some breast milk into your baby and to make a decision to stop when it wasn’t working for you both. Fed is absolutely best. Happy mum is absolutely best. You have done the absolutely best thing in your circumstances.

2. my 9 month old is still very hit and miss with solids, and still hasn’t especially cut down on milk feeds. Some days he’ll eat, other days he’ll have a few mouthfuls and mess about with his food. Health visitor didn’t seem worried at last weighing, so I’m not worrying either. Keep offering food and remember its ‘just for fun until they’re one’

@babyboyHarrison and @Verbena87
Thank you so much for taking the time out to reply. I'm actually feeling much better this week and just trying to put it all behind me now. As I much as it's regretful it didn't work out, I honestly can't change anything so looking at the past serves no purpose. It's about the here and now and making sure I do my very best now for my little girl here on in. If do have another little one, I'll be certainly posting here for advice (as I didn't know there was an infant feeding forum) plus getting my ducks lined up well in advance ie booking private LC for instance. So if anything hindsight is a wonderful thing, and though it didn't work out this time. I do feel more equipped should we have another little one... thanks again ladies xx

Really glad things look brighter this week. You sound like you’ve got a great attitude.

Enjoy not having big heavy breastfeeding boobs in this sun!! (Very sweaty over here )