Not immediately loving being a mum second time round

[MrsGrif1992]

Sorry in advance for a bit of a waffle post, just needing to get something of my chest/get any advice!

My dd is two days old and already I feel a bit “meh” over her. Don’t get me wrong I’m doing everything I should but it feels more like I have to than want to.
When my ds was born two years ago, although the birth was traumatic I was utterly europhic at his arrival and spent literal months just looking at him in disbelief that I made him. This was after months of talking to my bump daily and just generally being a stereotypical ftm.
With dd, it sounds horrible but from the minute we found out she was a girl I felt a little deflated. I love being a mum of such a cheeky happy little boy & just didn’t really know how I could get the same feeling with a girl. Dh has spent months reassuring me that all will be fine & I will love her just as much when she’s here, but I don’t feel like I do. I’ve agreed to a name I don’t ultimately love just because I don’t particularly love any girl names but everyone else seems to. I’ve tried to explain to my husband that I don’t feel really any different that we now have a daughter but I think he’s taking that as a good thing - almost like I mean it’s perfect she’s just slotted into our life, but it’s not that.
I feel like the worst mum in the world but I’m just not fussed about doing all the things I did for my son. Eg, I had an absolute meltdown at not being able to breastfeed ds, with dd i’m Happy to do bottles because then at least someone else can do it too. I don’t mind not holding her all the time whereas even now I never want to let me son go! I’ve had a section with both, but with ds I was up and about & taking him all over the place to show him off within a week because I was so excited, this time I’m debating whether it’s worth getting out of bed becuse I know it’s going to hurt!
I would never ever hurt her, I just feel really indifferent about her whole being in general, like if she wasn’t here I’d be sad probably but I could just get on with my life just fine.

Is this normal “baby blues” or something else? I’m beginning to feel like I’ve made such a mistake having a second baby x

Oh op. I think it's so early this is probably normal baby blues. I think that rush of love feeling is very variable and not to be relied upon. It's not the learning curve it was with dc1 so it will feel more like you have to get back into the 'baby' routine a lot of which is just hard work not as exciting. I have one of each and they are both amazing totally different but not in all the stereotype ways (although some of them!). I think you need to be kind to yourself - not expect too much of your feelings while you recover from birth and get a routine going. I felt like i had abannoned dd but they are 6 and 3 now and love each other like crazy. Take any help offered. If you still feel the same in a few weeks see your GP.

How you're feeling could be baby blues, but it might also be indicative of post natal depression.

I felt similar to what you describe after the birth of my first. I expected to be overwhelmed with love but instead I just felt a bit... nothingy. I didn't mind him, I just wasn't very bothered really. I felt like I was "going through the motions" every day. The worst thing was that I felt a lot of shame about feeling like this so didn't discuss it with anyone as I kept feeling it would get better. It didn't and by 3 months I was quite seriously depressed. Eventually I got help and it was fine by 6 months but I will always regret not going to my GP sooner.

I would urge you to talk about your feelings with your HV or doctor, and your DH of course. Be kind to yourself and don't expect too much. Being a new mum is hard. You're doing a good job.

DS1 - DH and i fell madly in love immediately.

DS2 - we kept it to ourselves but felt pretty meh for weeks. I think it was the contrast between our lovable, full of personality 2 year old and a tiny newborn that we didn't know who just ate and slept.

I remember worrying that I loved DS1 more and more as he grew and that DS2 would always be 2 years behind him IYSWIM?

But no! By 3 months I totally adored him and loved them both the same.

Now they are 6 and 4 and I couldn't choose between them. It will get better

I'm a few days PP with DC2 and laughed (sorry) when I read your thread title.

Why would you love it second time around so early? Presumably your body is still in pain/shock from giving birth, your leaking fluids you didn't know existed, your boob really fucking hurt and you've not slept in days.

Yeah you had all this first time around but this time you're more acutely aware of how bloody hard it is for a very long time.

Also, newborns are quite boring and you don't know her yet like you know your older DC.

Don't be too hard on yourself, it sounds totally normal to me. It will get better I keep telling myself

I went through the exact same feeling - my DS was 22months when DD was born. My birth was very quick (born 40mins after arriving at hospital, without time for any pain relief so was traumatic for DH to watch and me to experience).
Her birth didn't affect my bonding but it did for my DH.

However I struggled with the 'Mum Guilt' of spending all my time with DD (I was EBFeeding) and missed doing simple things with DS.

I remember telling my Mum about my feelings (as said above TALK to people close to you - your Mum, Gran, HV, best friend) and I said I love her in the unconditional way, I went through the motions of protecting her, feeding and clothing but couldn't feel the same joy as did for my DS.

And it's because firstly your DD is not your first, you've been here before, there's no exciting surprises and actually a newborn is bloody hardwork.
Secondly, you don't know this new little person. You will do what needs to be done to keep her alive (because you DO love her) but you've loved your DS for 2 years and know who he is, he's familiar, he's 'home'.

Childbirth is a massive procedure, physically and mentally. So talk about it and try and process it.

My DD is 9months now and I realise what an amazing 'gift' of sibling-hood I have given my son. She saves her biggest laughs for her brother and the bond is incredible to see.

You've most definitely have done the right thing. And I PROMISE you will love being a mum of a cheeky happy little boy and a rascal of a little girl as she chases her brother around. You will sit back and think - BOTH these amazing little humans are all MINE.

(Sorry for long and slightly emotional post - just that I was right where you are and all my fears were unfounded ;-)

Thank you all for your reassurances but it’s hard to believe you. We’re two weeks in and she is a MUCH easier baby than her brother was already. She barely cries, eats like a dream, she’s pretty much a perfect baby and still I keep looking at her thinking “were you worth it?”
Being pregnant with her brought on severe asthma I’ve never had before along with hay fever (I feel so sorry for people who have suffered for years, I’m only just experiencing my first summer and I can’t cope!!!) then she was breech so had a c section which now looks as though it’s infected (going to the walk in centre tomorrow if it’s still as red & sore) me and DH are like ships in the night as we take turns on the night feeds & then who gets to catch up on sleep the next morning. I keep thinking that I would do all of this a thousand times over for her brother, but I just resent DD for “causing” all of this. I know logically she didn’t but I still can’t gelp thinking this.
I know I need to speak to someone but how do you actually say it to a GP or HV? As in, what are the words you would use? Whenever midwife/HV has been out so far and asked how I am, I’ve just smiled and said I’m absolutely fine. How do I tell my husband I don’t love our daughter and I just want to run away?

Omg OP you could be me. I'm 8 days post partum with DD2. I have a 3yo DS. I also had a CS.

I feel like I've made a dreadful mistake. It's awful. People keep congratulating me and I can't work out what they're congratulating me for.

And I'm terrified of DH going back to work. Oh god yes.

If it helps I’m now 6 weeks PP and though I’m still not completely smitten, I AM getting there.
Best thing I did was tell my husband a week and a half a go. I had spent every single minute I was alone crying and the first day he went back to work I had both children crying and I had to go scream into a pillow. I finally admitted to him that I wasn’t coping and straight away he was reassuring me, and helping me. He took her away when he could tell I was getting frustrated at myself but he also encouraged me to spend as much time as possible outside with her. It sounds silly but just being out in the garden (especially in this weather!) was such a mood booster! I’ve found singing songs to her has helped. At first I had absolutely no interest in it, but gradually we’ve both become more animated with it. I still don’t know that I “love” her, I know that real bond is going to take time, but I’m definitely not as sad! Hang on in there & don’t be afraid to ask for help. apni.org Have a live chat service to talk to someone online if you don’t feel like you can say it out loud like me. They were really helpful too xx

Hi Op how are you now? I feel like you do and miss my son s much. Is it better now?