Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Postnatal health

As with all health-related issues, please seek advice from a RL health professional if you're worried about anything.

Flip

Original poster

Husband struggling with newborn

25 replies

Cloudwalk · 25/05/2018 08:43

Hi All,

Please be gentle, it's been a tough 24 hrs

I am looking for hope from others with similar experiences.

My husband has made it clear he feels nothing, possibly even dislikes our beautiful 6week old son.

It's tearing me apart, and him. He is not heartless, he is a wonderful, caring and attentive husband and really struggling to come to terms with the lack of feelings towards DS.

Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Does it get better?

OP posts:

Bananarama12 · 25/05/2018 08:46

Men can also get post natal depression. Will he go to the doctors? So sorry he's feeling this way

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 25/05/2018 08:50

I remember ex dp saying when ds was 6 weeks old, he wished we hadn’t had him😡 l was gutted. We split up 12 months later. He couldn’t get used to being in second place.

savagehk · 25/05/2018 08:50

My husband really doesn't get the baby stage at all, he's much better when they get more interactive.

Was he able to articulate why? Did he feel useless or helpless, or unable to settle baby? Is he unhappy with the disruption / lack of sleep / loss of your attention?

In our case there's definitely light at the end of the tunnel.

Original poster

Cloudwalk · 25/05/2018 16:14

@savagehk I think it's a little of all the reasons you mentioned, not being able to comfort him like I could (breastfeeding) was where it started really.

I think he also thought it was a girl and then we had DS so it wasn't what he expected (not that sex matters it's just expectation vs reality)

My concern is that he doesn't want to talk about it, as he is embarrassed and disappointed with himself.

Tough situation

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 25/05/2018 16:19

He just needs time. Babies get to be more interesting as they get older. The eye contact get better and they interact and start to laugh. He'll be ok.

JumpingFrogs · 25/05/2018 16:19

It took my husband 3 or 4 months to really bond with our firstborn. But since then he's been a fantastic, loving and involved father. Give him time. It's such a huge adjustment for both of you, but you have your hormones which help you feel that surge of love. We went on to have more children and to be honest he took a while to warm to them as well but was fantastic at looking after the older ones while I focused on the baby. Just keep talking, it will improve

juneau · 25/05/2018 16:20

It's important that he does talk. Would he prefer to talk to the GP? Yes, men can get postnatal depression and having your first DC is really hard! I think a lot of men feel a bit useless and pushed out - in addition to feeling exhausted and possibly under pressure to provide for another person in the house and the expectations of everyone else that this is a wonderful time for you. Often it just isn't - it's hard, its exhausting and there is a lot to adjust to. He shouldn't be disappointed in himself and if he does please encourage him to chat to someone who he can open up to. Does he have a good friend? Does he get on well with his parents? Does he have a sibling who will be kind and not judge?

Pebblespony · 25/05/2018 16:20

I felt a bit detached from my DD for the first while. No bond. It got better though. He might just need time.

smeerf · 25/05/2018 16:24

Hopefully when little one is old enough to start smiling and responding to his Dad, they'll start to bond more. Has your partner got any male friends with kids he can speak to? My DP's mates all agreed that the first few weeks are weird and they didn't instantly fall in love with their babies but no one really talks about it.

Moltenpink · 25/05/2018 16:26

I think it sounds pretty normal. Please don’t worry, the love comes at different times for different people.

juneau · 25/05/2018 16:28

And yes, it got a lot better for my DH when DS1 started to smile and react to him. The first few weeks babies aren't very responsive to their dads - they just want their mum.

AreWeDoingThisNow · 25/05/2018 16:31

It takes time for lots of people. It took time for be and I had the benefit of oxytocin from birth and bfing, which men don't.

Usually much easier once they're interactive, more obviously a little person rather than a helpless little thing.

Give it a few more weeks.

If not though, men can get PND and the GP / HV can help.

800msprint · 25/05/2018 16:35

I think a lot of people, especially men, feel like this. This is why forums like mumsnet are a good thing! Please reassure him it's not all a bed of roses and the happiest time of your life. You are sleep deprived and your life as you knew it has gone to shit. He also has been turfed out as no 1 in your eyes plus he doesn't have all that bonding you've had for nine months etc. Babies get a lot more fun as they get older. You have to hang in there and just ride it out. Try and enjoy the good bits. Take help from friends and family, keep the bond between you two strong and know that it's not just him that feels this way. Don't push him. It takes time, and yes postnatal depression for him may well be a big factor that he should investigate. Good luck op and congratulations! The huge ups and downs of parenthood - particularly the rollercoaster of the first months xxx

Fatted · 25/05/2018 16:45

My DH struggled with both of our kids when they were babies. DS1 was a very grumpy baby, cried pretty much constantly for 4 months. DS2 was more chilled out, but definitely settled better for me. It's really difficult to adjust to a new born for men as well.

Try to encourage him to do as much as possible. It's difficult when BF, but encourage him to help with changes, cuddles and taking baby out as much as possible.

Do encourage him to get help from the GP if you feel like he needs it. My DH took anti depressants when the boys were babies.

Cathpot · 25/05/2018 16:50

I walked in on a conversation a few years ago where several men, all really lovely dads, were confessing that they didn’t really bond with their babies until about 6 months. I think it’s really common and I think it ca also put a huge strain on relationships in those first few months as everyone readjusts. What really helped my DH was a good friend who was further along the road telling him that it would get better.

Original poster

Cloudwalk · 25/05/2018 18:57

Wow I honestly can not thank everyone enough for the words of encouragement. I literally have tears in my eyes!

Thank you all

OP posts:

Echobelly · 25/05/2018 19:04

I'm sorry he's finding it so hard. It is a real shock to the system and there are so many reasons dads can find it super hard.

I think it's good that he felt able to say it - it must have been very hard, but it's better than letting the feeling build up into something more resentful.

Hopefully this will pass over time, but keep talking and perhaps speak to a doctor if it doesn't get any better after a few weeks.

CheesecakeAddict · 25/05/2018 19:06

Could it be a bit of pnd? I would mention it at your 8 week appointment if it's still not any better and see if a hv could come out and speak to him. My hv was amazing with my pnd.

However stick in there. It's so tough those first few weeks. My partner was the same and it's a big change. We have had 9 months of being mothers prior to birth: not being able to eat and drink what we want, having to rest, in some cases changing job role, all for this tiny person we have been protecting. This is brand new territory for him. My DP was also not a baby person and I remember at about 14 weeks told me he hadn't bonded with the baby and didn't enjoy her. I was devistated. At 6 months she became so much more animated and moving around, playing, laughing, gurgling, he could get involved with the feeding process and it's like a switch went off. He loves spending time with her now.

Creatureofthenight · 27/05/2018 20:16

My DH has always been in charge of bath time and getting ready for bed (nappy change, sleepsuit on etc)and I think that was good bonding time for the two of them. Maybe your DH could take main responsibility for some part of baby’s routine?

gruber · 27/05/2018 20:21

Also has he been doing anything like skin to skin or baby massage? Anything like that where they are very close will really encourage bonding. My DH had skin to skin every day with our newborn (so I could shower!) and I think it was a simple but positive thing. Laid in bed, top off, baby on chest. Done.

Original poster

Cloudwalk · 29/05/2018 10:08

Hi All

Thank you so much for all your replies!!

So DH now is taking a feed on his own (without me loitering!), we have some skin to skin happening and DS has started smiling which seems to have started the make DH feel more connected

It's slow, but it's going and for me even the smallest of improvements are worth celebrating, these things take time I guess!

OP posts:

Osopolar · 29/05/2018 18:20

DH really struggled to bond with DS as he had colic which reached its peak just as DH got back from work so DH pretty much only ever saw him screaming. DS is now 2 and DH adores him and his greatest wish is to go back in time and do the first year again knowing what he does now. If your DH is otherwise a good and loving man then give him time :)

MizCracker · 29/05/2018 18:28

Honestly, I think male PND is bollocks. Have they gone through the physical trauma of pregnancy and birth, the hormonal changes, feeling like they've been hit by a fleet of trucks and then kept sleep deprived for weeks? Nope.

However, I think it's much more sensible to acknowledge that a new baby is nevertheless a massive upheaval, and not always for the better. So as a man he's totally entitled to feel sleep deprived and resentful of this baby that's arrived and made everything, well, a bit shit.

The key is how he addresses it. Is he able to see the bigger picture - knowing that this stage is temporary and will get better. Can he start making the effort? Try to bond with his child instead of resenting him. It has to come from him.

Some men turn out to be selfish arseholes and decide that fatherhood isn't for them. Hopefully he won't turn out to be one of those.

FranticallyPeaceful · 30/05/2018 17:34

My ex said the same thing about my eldest, we broke up as I ultimately couldn’t get over the fact he couldn’t love our baby. Of course it’s very personal how you deal with things, but it was the right decision for us. He’s a good person, fantastic partner... terrible father. Hasn’t had contact since despite me keeping the olive branch extended at all times. Unfortunate

FranticallyPeaceful · 30/05/2018 17:42

(Even though we are in contact)

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.