Struggling with PND (I think?)

[abbettsi]

Hi, I’m not really sure what I’m expecting from writing this but I just need to let it out even if I don’t get a response!
I think I’ve been struggling on and off with postnatal depression and lately it’s getting worse. I love my 8 month old baby so much but at the minute he’s teething and he’s so upset the majority of the time. He’s usually a really happy baby but he’s screaming all the time and I don’t seem to be able to calm him down and it’s wearing me out. I’ve had to leave the room when he’s crying and I’ve ended up hurting and punching myself out of frustration 😔 I feel so guilty and scared that I’ll lose my temper with him
I’m very lucky that I have a great partner but he works really long days so I’m mostly alone. Our baby was only 4 months old and we found out I was pregnant. I had a copper coil fitted at the time, I was told it was still in place despite me not being able to feel the strings and unknowingly being pregnant at the point. We made the really really difficult decision to terminate the pregnancy. I had to have keyhole surgery a couple of days after to remove the coil from my intestines. We had a death in the family around that time as well so it was really hard. I feel like this has contributed to how I’m feeling and it’s been building up all year. I don’t know if it could be PND as the symptoms seem to come and go over a period of time.
I was diagnosed with antenatal depression so I think it’s likely this could have carried on. I’ve completely lost trust with my local GP after everything that happened with my coil (surgeons advised there were a few mistakes on their part, the coil wasn’t fitted correctly) so I don’t want to make an appointment, it tends to feel like they’re in a rush to get you out of there 😪
I don’t know who I can talk to and I’m worried I can’t cope with our son much longer. I feel guilty for even thinking this 😔

I’m sorry for rambling on! x

Really sorry to hear you're feeling like this. I think it's pretty common for PND to come and go in the way you describe and also to be made worse by the type of family and other stresses you've experienced.

I think I had PND with DC2 that didn't properly kick in until about 6 months in - also compounded by lots of other 'life' stuff that had been going on. I came on here in a real state and got some great advice. Most of which was encouraging me to talk to someone and get help. If you don't want to contact your GP, can you get in touch with your health visitor? They should be able to point you in the direction of help.

And don't feel guilty. This isn't your fault. x

@closetlibrarian thank you for your comment. I’m thinking of trying CBT maybe because I’ve heard from friends that they were surprised how much they’d benefited from it. My health visitor just tells me to see my GP 😔 thanks again, I just needed to vent I think!

Vent away!

You could also try having this moved to 'mental health' where you'll doubtless get more responses from people with direct experience of this and more useful advice. That's where I posted when I had my near-breakdown when DC2 was 6mo and everyone was so incredibly lovely and supportive - it really helped me through a horrible time when I thought I was losing my mind and there was no one I felt I could talk to in real life.