Wish I enjoyed being a mum

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I’m new to mums net so please bear with me, I just wanted to know if anyone else feels or felt this way too.

My baby boy is nine months old, he is so lovely, full of character and adores me. I had a very hard labour, then kept in for nearly two weeks as he was unwell. Breastfeeding was a disaster from the start and I don’t receive much support in the hospital even though I really wanted to give it a go. Pretty much straight away I knew something wasn’t quite right. I felt very numb and also quite distant from my son for a good while.

I told my husband and health visitor around the six week mark, who referred me for CBT. This did help my anxiety and obsessive thoughts, and I am definitely better than I was at the beginning, but I still wouldn’t go as far to say I enjoy being his mother. My main priority is for him to be happy and healthy, we go out, he eats well, I spend a lot of time on the floor with him and I cuddle him as much as I can. But I also count down until nap time and bed time for when I get some time to myself.

It really pains me to say it but I often look back at my life pre baby wishing I was back there. I love my son to death but it’s like in a way I wonder if maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mum. He sometimes goes to my husbands parents for the day and people will ask me if I miss him, but to be honest I don’t, I get excited to see him when we reunite but whilst he’s gone I don’t wish I was with him. Gosh what an awful thing to admit.

I feel like such an awful person, he was just sat in his bath looking up at me smiling and I felt so guilty for not enjoying his lovely beautiful ways. :(

Has anyone else experienced this?

I can't relate to this entirely however regarding the separation. I have started doing KIT days and although I checked up to make sure she was still alive I didn't "miss" her. People kept asking if I was ok and not missing baby too much which made me wonder if I wasn't feeling the right thing.

Perhaps you should ask for counselling. I found it helped when I had anxiety and depression. Just a mutual person you can pour your heart out to and hopefully understand why you feel like you do.

I love being a mum and still count down to nap and night times, I think most people do!

Not everyone wants to be a sahm, just like not everyone wants to work full time after children. Neither of those options are wrong, just different. You're just on the working side and that's completely fine. Are you going back to work soon?

I used to mourn my previous life a lot. I honestly felt a lot better when I went back to work and felt a bit more like me! (And I enjoyed my time with DS more when I was with him). Also I really think it takes a long time to get used to being a parent. I think that it took my DH several years to get used to it! Also, I don't miss my DC if they go away for the day/weekend. But it is lovely when they come back again. I think it's ok to admit that you do not want to be with them all the time. I also agree that you need someone to talk to about it all.

Hi op, my baby is also 9 months old and I do feel similar.

I also count down until nap/bedtimes. She’s currently waking really early and dh and I keep saying we will try to keep her up later now to see if she wakes later but I can’t do it, everyday it gets to that time and I’ve just had enough and I’m ready to say goodnight even if she’s being really lovely!
I also don’t particularly miss her if I’m away from her but I’m ready and happy to be reunited.
Are you going back to work?
In the past month I’ve been doing a gradual return to work and I feel a lot better.

I feel like I have had to mourn my old life. I feel like I just didn’t appreciate the freedom when I had it. I feel really weird when I think back to this time last year when I was pregnant, all excited but I just really didn’t realise what was to come.

I do think a difficult birth can have a massive effect on you! I had big bleed during labour and had forceps and an episiotomy which left me unable to sit down for 3 weeks after as I was in so much pain and that just didn’t set things off well at all and I could literally still cry thinking of the day she was born.

I’m sorry I haven’t really got any advice just wanted to say I can relate and you are not awful! X

So sorry to hear you are feeling like this. I suffered with PND early on, and it was awful. I was started on antidepressants, which were amazing.

It sounds like you are feeling guilty for some very normal things. I love DD to bits, but I countdown to naps and bed too! I love my time to myself / with DH.

I also love it when my mum has her for the day. Went wedding dress shopping with my friend yesterday, didn’t miss DD at all! I might do if it was say, a week, but a couple of days being able to finish a conversation and drink hot coffee? Bliss!

I also think about life before I had her. I certainly don’t wish I didn’t have her - but there were definitely things that were better / easier!

I think there’s a lot of talk about babies / children being ‘my world’ etc. DD isn’t my world at all. She’s a big part of it and she’s awesome, but there’s other things I like too!

I also think it would be good to talk about your feelings.

I really get what you are saying.
But it gets better, it really really does. I love my kids with my whole heart, but I hated my life they were small.
I like your courage for admitting it

OP I never 'missed' my babies either. I didn't cry on my first day back to work etc. I also found maternity leave, particularly with my first really really difficult.

I think women set unrealistic expectations of each other re: motherhood and want to turn it into a competition. I'm no perfect earth mother but I'm good enough and my dc seem to be turning out OK.

I think guilt is damaging and pointless. It's fine and natural to be upset/ disappointed that the first few months haven't been as you hoped due to anxiety etc but guilt is for people who have deliberately some something very wrong/ committed a crime, not for normal mums just doing their best

I was like this for the first year or so.I cried every time I did a night feed the sleep deprivation killed me.It did get easier as he got older but I know now that I had pnd