Mums of High Needs Babies

[Newmomma2018]

My DS is 10 weeks today and im finding it really difficult and isolating. He will have meltdowns either when I try to take him out or at night when we have been out. He will go from ok to inconsolable crying in the matter of seconds. This is even after a feed, bum change, plenty of naps. Also when we’re visiting family he can become really upset really fast. I become really flustered and it feels like I dont know what I’m doing.

He will scream in a pushchair and so I am using a sling for going out and for daytime naps. He also wont go down to sleep without me and so I am going up to bed at 7pm with him (tbh I am generally asleep by 9pm with him as im exhausted). I’m struggling with the motivation to eat healthy and do my previous hobby of yoga. I no longer feel myself and feel really detached from my partner who’s life doesnt seem to have changed.

I am ebf and my son wont settle with anyone else, not even Dad. I am co-sleeping and whilst I want to do all of these things for the benefit of my son, I am feeling lost.

Im looking for a little moral support here from other mums of high needs babies, also any coping methods they use to make it through the days.

Hang in there. It does get easier. My first was high needs. She slept on one of us or next to me for the first 4 months. I couldn’t really put her down at all. A wrap was a lifesaver.

I would also say don’t avoid going out. It can become a self perpetuating cycle. I signed up to a baby massage class (prepaid) so I had a standing commitment every week and had no choice but to get out and talk to other mums. I thought at the time they all seemed to be coping better than me, but it wasn’t until I bumped into a few when our babies were older that we all realised we felt completely overwhelmed but thought everyone else was doing fine. Also just leave the house, take a walk in the park, go to the store to get some lunch or a healthy takeaway just to get out of the house, go somewhere basically where you won’t stress if he cries and you need to settle him, just walk around your garden a bit. It will make you feel better eventually. And find ways your dh can help. He can settle baby between feeds or wear in the sling. He really can. You may need to do the feeds but with practice and confidence he can settle just as well as you do you can get a break. My dh has worn our two in the wrap in the evenings between feeds pretty much from when he got home from work. It meant I could sleep and shower and generally just have a break.

Lastly, don’t think everyone else has it figured out or is doing something right that you aren’t. My first was high needs but my second has been so easy. I’ve done exactly the same with both of them. One just needed to be much more high touch than the other. It wasn’t because I did something right the 2nd time. It’s totally luck of the draw. But hang in there, even my high needs baby started to get a lot easier by 4 months, sleeping alone in the evenings, sleeping longer stretches, being happy to go on her playmat so I could have a break, etc.

Thank You for your reply. I took your advice and got out yesterday to family. I figure that if he has a melt down, family will be more forgiving. It worked and I felt so so much better. It ended up being a good day though, with minimal crying. That really makes a difference.

Today I’ve stayed in as I’ve been up since 4am and I can tell. I feel down and irratable again and little man seems to pick up on that. I think I need to practice going outside with a sling as I’ve tried twice and he cried both times when the air hits his face.

Im glad you said about others having it figured out. It does feel that way sometimes. Its so hard not to compare. I asked a younger family member if her baby cried a lot early on and she answered with a blunt no. It really made me feel that there was something wrong with my son.
I also have had the negative thought that he’s high needs because of something that I have done or because I had two very stressful events through pregnancy. I find hard to not think that way so its so nice hearing that one of your babies was high needs and the other wasn’t.

I hope my son starts to feel more confident with all of this extra work and he’s not a highly strung little boy. Im not the moat confident person as it is and I’m not sure how I’d manage.

Hi OP, I’m in the same situation with my 16 week old. It’s my third DC, I keep telling people that had he been my first I would not have had any more!

DS is happy for an hour in the morning, and then gets progressively worse. He doesn’t like being in the sling. He’ll sleep in the buggy (eventually) but wakes up as soon as we stop. I eat crap food because that’s all I have time to prepare, and I feel like I’m neglecting older DC.

I can just hope that it will get better! Like you OP I also wonder if I did something wrong in pregnancy. I’m older this time around, and I had the odd glass of wine... Rationally, I know this isn’t the case as DS is very alert and meets all milestones.

So, no advice, just commiserations.

NordicNoirRocks Its nice just to talk to someone that understands. My mum suggested the other day that I should not be using the sling for every nap and I shouldnt be going to bed with DS at 7pm..... at the next visit she tried to take him from me when he was tired (meaning no sling and no mummy)..... she handed him back after five minutes of her trying to rock him to sleep whilst he screamed from the top of his lungs, went red faced, looked like he would pass out. She just commented “he’s angry isnt he.... where has that come from”. I think people either think we’re hamming it up or are “making a rod for our own back” anddoing all the extras voluntarily.

Massive respect for doing this with two other children. I couldnt imagine one day being in charge of ds and others. How are you managing? What do your days look like?

On a side note the sling is no longer working with no tears. We now have at least 5- 10 minutes of grisly moaning/ crying before he nods off!

newmomma oh yes, people seem to think that I want to spend 30-90 mins in a dark room each evening, rocking DS to sleep. I know it’s not ideal, but if I want him to sleep, that’s the only option... DS is also quite happy meeting new people, he’ll smile and let people cuddle him, and I’ll stand there doing “he’s a grumpy baby, just wait 10 mins and he’ll be overwhelmed”. I don’t think they believe me!

My other DC are older, 7 and 11, and can do a lot on their own, but there are times when I have to let DS cry/grizzle or I can’t do the school run, or get us all ready on time.

Had your DS been a screamer from birth? Mine had problems with weight gain and then colic, so it’s been more or less a constant for me.

Yes from birth. He was 100% tongue tied (anterior and posterior) and so has never had a good latch, pops off 10X at every feed, takes in lots of air and trumps like a trooper. Maybe the colic has some to answer for with both of our babies.

My son can be cuddled by one person and then scream in the face of another.... I really dont know which baby I will get on which day. Its like playing russian roulette with a small dicatator.

We’ve just been to see a chiropractor to see if there is anything skeletal that might be causing tension..... and nope. Everything is just fine.

Maybe he just likes a good cry...... like us after a particularly trying day

What was the reason your son was loosing weight.... did they get to the bottom of it?

DS weight loss was due to having a poor latch at birth, we were snowed in after being discharged so no midwife could come and assist with a better latch. Then I got mastitis which made latching on even harder, and my supply dropped. It’s all sorted now, in hindsight I’m not sure if the early days’ screaming was due to DS being hungry, colicky or high needs. Perhaps a combination of the three... I’m ebf now, I will keep going to six months but I fantasise about moving on to bottles so not all of the responsibility of feeding, soothing and caring for DS lies with me.

It is your first DC? You deserve a medal! At least I know that some babies can be easy to care for!

I feel like I’m wasting my mat. leave. Trying not to think about the things I got up to when on leave with my other DC. I’m so much more isolated and stuck at home this time around. I had PND with my first, it was really hard at the time, but this seems just as hard at times!

All and all I just want DS to be happy... he’s a lovely boy and it breaks my heart that I can’t make him happy (although I know it’s not personal!)

So many of the high needs babies I know turned out to have cows milk protein allergy issues, or silent reflux. Don’t the your HV dismiss reflux just because your little one isn’t throwing up all the time, and if you are breast feeding try cutting out dairy to see if It makes any difference.

It does get better, honestly it does. 10 weeks is still tiny, he still needs to know you are close by. My lg would not go to anyone else (even my dh) for more than a few minutes if she was awake. I couldn't even get a quick shower without my dh banging on the door with a red faced baby. I used to literally prop myself up in bed with pillows and catnap with her on my chest so she would sleep. I used to force myself to go out everyday because if I stayed in I thought I would have a meltdown. My lg used to scream in the car and scream in the pram but that was still better than being stuck in the house listening to her scream! You just need to do what you need to do to survive. If that means going to bed at 7, do it. It's not going to be forever. Don't worry about making bad habits, I bed shared for a long time and now at 11mo my lg can sleep fine in a cot. We used a dummy for a while, and now she doesn't need to and didn't have to wean her off. We changed her napping routines a few times, eg taught her to sleep in her pram/bouncer and then a few months later taught her to nap in her cot so it's not like what you do now is set in stone forever. I can't remember the exact phrase but It's something like the days are long but the years are quick... I found that once my dd started being more interactive and being interested in the world that it felt a lot easier. Just be gentle with yourself xx

Sorry ladies. Bad few days this end with no sleep so I havent been capable of stringing a sentence together the last few days

NordicNoirRocks- this is my 2nd son. Unfortunately the first had colic and feeding problems from the start and so cried a lot (which makes me question if its something im doing)... now looking at his tongue it looks like he was tongue tied too. He’s now 12 though and so I cannot remember a lot from all that time ago. I really hoped that DS2 would be easier. He is in some ways but not others.

I can see how PND might creep in with a new baby.... especially when that baby is high needs. Today I went to a family members and felt totally judged and critised and it left my feeling like I should have just stayed at home. Its pretty isolating with a new baby at the best of times. I wish there was a local support group for babies with extra needs. A place that you could go to and not mind if the little one screamed the building down! Thanks god for mumsnet!!!

I can sympathise with feeling like im wasting Mat leave. The days and weeks are flying past and its all a bit of a blur. Still can you imagine being at work as well as having a high needs baby. Im hoping that by the time the sun is shining and the weather has turned that things will be easier...... is that wishful thinking 🤔

Teenytinyvoice- its funny that you should say that because I’ve noticed that he seems worse when i’ve had cheese, milk or chocolate. I’ve cut this all out (apart from the odd bar of chocolate when im desperate). It does seem to help but its so difficult to do on bad days when im tired and need a quick fix with food. Im now more convinced than ever that high needs goes hand in hand with feeding/ digestive problems. Our bubs seem to be sensitive on the inside as well as the outside.

My former HN baby is now 13 (and really lovely) but I saw this thread when scrolling through Active Conversations and it took me right back. I read Dr Sears' "Fussy Baby Book" over and over in the early months just because it had so many anecdotes of babies just like mine while everyone I knew in RL had "normal" easy babies and it helped to know I wasn't alone.

(I have friends from the postnatal group I went to with DS and they STILL occasionally speak in awe of quite how... full-on he was in those early months. And they met a lot of babies)

To be honest it really got better when he got more mobile (fortunately he started walking at 9 months) and didn't get so frustrated (and then better again once he had enough words to communicate better and remove some more frustration). Essentially he's got steadily easier and easier, whereas DC2 (who was an angel baby and made me think 'ah, THIS is why everyone else seemed to be so much less stressed last time around...') was replaced by a rage monster when she was around 2.5 and continues to be challenging. So there's that to be said for HN babies...

Please do try cutting out dairy completely - it made such a difference for my daughter, like a different child. Still high energy but so much calmer and happier. I wish I’d thought to try early on rather than after she had a massive allergic reaction at 8 months! Sleep took a long time to get better, but slowly but surely did - apart from a few months blip after we tried cows milk at a hospital allergy challenge and it put everything back to square one. Now at 18 months she goes to sleep in her cot for nap and bedtime without a whimper - I never never ever thought that would be possible. She is totally delightful now, and life is so much better!

And should just say, reading your posts takes me right back - family members thinking we were pandering, and strangers in shops asking ‘why is she crying?’ used to make me want to explode and weep!

Hopeandjoy16 it makes a lot of sense what you are saying. Its hard to keep thinking that way when everyone keeps telling me “your making a rod for your own back” and that I shouldnt be using a sling for naps or going to bed at 7pm. Unfortunately today I had an older member of my family snatch my son from my arms when he was tired and crying and rocked and ssssshhhhhh’d him to sleep so that I didnt use the sling. Little man only fell asleep too. I felt utterly useless. She made me feel like Im using the sling for me rather than him. He woke up after 10 minutes of sleep and what she didnt see was the upset and overtired boy at bedtime tonight. Im tired of hearing that he’s a baby and its ok to let him cry... that it didnt do any of us any harm

Tragicallyunbeyachted- so there may be an upside to a HN baby later on. That’s encouraging to hear. I can cope thinking that all the hard work now might be avoiding some later . He does try and hold his head up atm and doesnt like to be laid down..... maybe he is just frustrated?!

I think I need to find myself a good mums group locally. Its just getting to that first one and hoping the other mums dont all have angel babies!

FourCandlebras- I really need to tail back on the chocolate and see if that helps. Its my weakness on a bad day. I know my right eyelid swells slightly the day after cheese so maybe im not great with it either.
I hate the judgement that seems to go with parenting. Everyone has an opinion and its not often a positive one I’ve found so far. Especially with a crying baby. I hope that part gets easier

Oh, the fellow-mums who'd say "Oh, I just [incredibly obvious thing that OF COURSE you've tried]. Have you tried that?"

One from my NCT group: "I just put him down drowsy and sometimes he fusses for as much as twenty minutes [at this point I start mentally rolling my eyes] before he falls asleep..."

One from the HVs' postnatal group: "If I put him down on the mat he's perfectly happy, have you tried that?"

No, I'm not still bitter thirteen years later, why do you ask?

TragicallyUnbeyachted

Id be so tempted to reply: really.... no i’ve never thought of doing that. Im going to rush home to try that right away! Your a genius

I dont think people realise that their suggestions can make you feel hopeless and remind you of all the ways that your baby is different..... and all of the things that you’ve tried and that do not work.

TragicallyUnbeyachted 20 minutes of fussing..... if only 🙄

It's so hard. Both my DC were a lot of work but DC2 especially. Only happy sleeping on someone, fed every 2 hours until she was 6 months, silent reflux and CMPI so I had to cut dairy out.

Although it feels like forever at the time, this stage will pass. I think about 12 weeks was a turning point for us and things got ever so slightly better each week after that.

At the moment, you just do what you have to do to survive. I had family members criticising too but I learned to ignore them. Methods have changed since many of them brought up babies. From the stories I've heard, I was a high-needs baby but I was put in a pram at the bottom of the garden so my Mum could get on with the housework without hearing me cry.

You will get your life back, although I'm afraid I didn't make it to a yoga class until she was a year old!

At the moment he’s regressed back into not sleeping and napping and im not quite sure why. Its uncomfortable always feeling like you have no idea what your doing. I had got sleeping sorted until I listened to other peoples advice on what I “should be doing” and now its all changed again. I guess this is normal but is leaving me feeling totally overwhelmed.

Maybe I need to lower my expectations of me and him. I hate to admit but I had an image of how id be as a mum and the reality is so different.

newmomma - with sleeping, what helped me most is reading somewhere: ‘Listen to your parental intuition, not to what some stranger says’. Every baby is so different, there simply can’t be solutions adopted wholesale! Do whatever seems to work with yours.

So my high needs baby is still high needs at 6 months

It’s really hard. Every single day is a battle. But just try and embrace it- I like to tell myself it’s because she’sIntelligent and frustrated by being a helpless baby . Rather than she just wants to make my life hell. I also try and make myself feel less resentful but thinking about how scary and lonely it must feel a tiny defenseless baby sometimes. They just want their mum, you are all they know and it’s quite endearing (if you try really hard to convince yourself) haha. And I also try and think from her point of view that if somethings upset her or if she’s overstimulated or overtired then of course she’s going to cry to tell me- she can’t do anything else!

It is marginally getting better as she gets more mobile and now she can sit and eat proper food she seems to enjoy that. But I think you just have to go with the flow.

I agree to try cutting out all diary to exclude CMPA and have a think about reflux... but don’t get obsessed with trying to find a medical reason to something that might just be how your baby is. I tried every type of formula, every bottle, infacol, coelief, gaviscon, ranitidine... you name it. And it turns out it wasn’t the fault of anything it’s just how she is. And it got much better once I accepted it.

Don’t worry about if your baby cries when you’re out and at groups. I know it’s really hard and I often have to leave these places early due to being screamed out but it’s so important for your wellbeing to not get trapped inside. And nobody is as aware of the crying as you are. I promise!!

This too shall pass

I thought id post an update as I believe I may have had a mini breakthrough.
I’ve started using baby probiotics and my little guys tummy seems much more settled. We no longer have man trumps and burps so loud it makes him cry. He seems so much happier.......
granted he’s still waking every two hours at night, he may have started teething and he likes to be held.... a lot, but he now seems more smiley and comfortable 👍🏼. I thought I would let you ladies know. The brand I’m using is BioGaia Protectis Baby. I got it from Amazon after researching probiotics for digestive difficulties.

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