I dont like my son!

[Reecex]

Hi
A little bit of bsckground first
I don't like kids, I've never wanted kids and my son was not planned, I had to put my education on hold for a year when I fell pregnant and I left a life in Spain to come home for that education

I hated being pregnant with every fibre in my body but I was excited to have a baby, my feelings changed and I couldn't wait to meet him.

Myself and my boyfriend have since got a flat and decorated it but I'm not ready to move in yet, since falling pregnant I have felt nothing but pressure from his family to rush and move into the flat and become this happy family.

I don't really know my boyfriend they well and living with him will be a challenge never mind with a newborn

My son is 4 weeks old and we had a very traumatic birth. My waters broke and I didn't know when so I went to hospital with contractions and wktjin minutes I was being rushed to theatre. My son had pooped in the womb and had inhaled it due to my waters breaking. When he was born he was given 60% oxygen and was ventilated for 3 days. He was also cooled and re heated to preserve his brain and try to stop any brain damage. He was not fed for 5 days and in total we were in the neo natal unit for 12 days.

Fab news is he's healthy and a massive 10lb 4oz with no visible problems.

However, I don't like him, I hate being a mum. All he does is cry when he's around me unless he's being fed, I can't get him to settle for sleep, he doesn't smile for me and he does all of those things for my mum who has been helping.

When he cries I just want him to stop but he doesn't like being around me.

I'm exhausted and it's non stop with him but nothing I can do makes him happy, I wish the day away til my mum gets home to take over.

I have 2 post op infections that aren't shifting and am on constant meds and in also anemic.

I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it because they just say "he does like you, he's just hungry" etc etc

Advice???

Now, I am no expert but I think you must be absolutely KNACKERED! I'm not making that an excuse how you are feeling but you must be shattered and quite frankly, in shock at having such a horrible birth.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, try to be a bit easier on yourself. A baby at 4 weeks is actually quite a grim time - you are both so early in getting to know one another and the feeding is really really draining, I found it really hard too.

Around 6 weeks, your baby will begin to smile. Essentially this is feedback and much needed. The bond will grow, it can just take time. You say you're not living in your flat yet so where are you? Staying with family? Perhaps by living in your own space a bit of normality will come again.

My biggest piece of advice is to do just as you are doing, reaching out. Mumsnet is a wonderful place for support - and so are midwives and the medical profession (GP). Be honest with them and tell them you are struggling and feeling utterly shite, councilling may be offered and that is golden for getting your head around a change in life circumstances. Go!

Lastly, I just wanted to say that you don't have to give up your education, your life will continue, colleges have creches and the possibilities online are endless.

Best of luck, and don't forget that you can call your midwife at ANYTIME. Any thoughts that scare you - get on that phone and tell them.

It's hardwork but you will fall in love with your son, I know it.

x

Thanks so much for your reply to my post.

I am currently living with my mum but on Friday I came to my flat with my son and we went home today but this weekend proved a little easier and I'm hoping this continues!

I do plan on going back to college this year I'm just worried at how challenging this will be and if I'll be able to cope.

I love my son and my partner immensely, I'm just worried again that I grow to resent my wee family!

However, I know it's early days, I posted on a very low day and today is a good day so I am being more positive.

Thanks again and hopefully things continue to get better x

Hi,
Agree with everything he pp said. But just to add, can you go to the hospital and talk through the birth? It sounds awful and going through all the notes etc might help you. I had a very traumatic birth and spent an hour talking to my midwife about it afterwards. It really helped me move forward from the trauma and feel ok about it.
Also allow yourself time. Take as much help from your mum and boyfriend as possible and don’t worry about anything other than your recovery and spending time with the baby. Everything else can be sorted a bit later.
Good luck & be kind to yourself xx

Oh Reece, you've had a really tough experience. I'm so sorry. Don't feel bad, you need to give yourself lots of time, get over the fear and shock and tiredness. It will take time.
Accept all the help you can, and find someone who will listen.
For what it's worth I felt completely ambivalent about my ds for at least six weeks and I had much less to cope with. Time to be really nice to yourself

Sorry you're having such a rough time OP, some mums really do get it seriously harder than others.

I will say that I didn't think much of my DD when she was born. I didn't gush over her like everyone else did but I looked after her and fed her etc. No one was concerned. I told my GP that I was okay after birth, no PND. But thinking back I do think I had mild PND. Fast forward a few weeks and she was my everything. I can't really explain it but we spent a week in hospital and I was also post op.

I personally feel that having surgery can have an major impact on how you feel after birth. I felt a failure and like I hadn't done it properly. I couldn't produce any milk for days, blood pressure and heart rate through the roof, antibiotics for an infection blah blah blah.

Please seek support for how you're feeling. It's so common to not feel like you love your baby and it will pass with good enough support.

Thank you everyone for the support! I do feel slightly better these last few days than I did last week. I don't gush over my son like everyone else does either and I feel like I just watch the clock for his next feed and how long in-between I have to do housework. It's draining, he's s great baby doesn't cry unless something is seriously wrong so I can't really blame him for how I'm feeling. I spoke to my health visitor today and she thinks maybe I haven't bonded well with him and I think she's right, I hate bathing him cos it stresses me out and he screams at bath time, I have been referred for baby massage to help the bonding. I think I possibly have slight pnd, I've been depressed before and some of the signs are there but I'm moving house and really don't have time for myself atm and it's very overwhelming. Unfortunately there's stress there with my boyfriend too, he's a huffy one and moans when I ask for help so that doesnt make me feel very good either! I do as much as I can which is actually too much and o receive no thank you from him and I know this is bizarre but my son obviously at 5 weeks can't do much but he smiles at everyone but me and I try so hard with him it's disappointing and yes yes I know this is a lot to expect from a 5 week old baby but a wee smile at me would be nice rather than at my mum seeing as I've spent all day and night with him!
Being a mum isn't fun atm and I really hope when I'm setting in my new home that things get better

There’s very little to like in a newborn. And absolutely zero personality yet.

So you don’t know your son yet. You’ll hopefully like him when he becomes a lovely baby as opposed to a hellish (they are all hellish) newborn.

I had a traumatic birth too and my boys were taken straight to nicu. One of them was in for a couple of months. Looking back now, I didn’t really feel anything for them aside from worry and responsibility. It’s difficult to bond with a newborn as it is - they don’t interact with you, they don’t communicate, they don’t have a personality. It got so much easier as they got bigger but also I realised I had been suffering with dreadful depression and anxiety. I’d really recommend talking to someone about this

And your son isn’t smiling at them - he’s farting. Honestly!

Reece, my son was born in September and was in NICU for three weeks. It's incredibly traumatic. I did go on to have PND and my doctor told me that 40% of mums who have had babies in NICU have some kind of difficulty afterwards. So in feeling low and finding things tough you really aren't alone

OP, your son is 4 weeks old! my daughter was in neonatal for a total of 8 weeks, but when she came home believe me, I felt the same way sometimes!
during her full eight weeks in the hospital, she rarely cried, and if she did it was barely a tiny little bleat from her! the day we got her home, we laid her down on her changing mat to change her before her feed and she just lay there screaming! obviously she was just hungry, but I just though 'fuck, she hates it with us!'
during that newborn period, we had a lot of screaming, a lot of helplessness and a lot of feeling like nothing we did made her happy!
she's 10 months old now, and although we do still have our moments, she is a delight and I love her more than I thought possible!
it will come op, you're only human and you're knackered, cut yourself some slack

My son didn't really start smiling till he was about nine weeks old. Now he's five months and smiles at everyone constantly. Don't expect too much of a 4 week old!!

He will not smile yet - so do not take it personally!

In fact it is a quite a while before a baby gives anything back that makes you feel you are doing a good job. It is all take and no give with babies to start with; the rewards come a bit later.

You have a lots in your plate and must just simply be kind to yourself and bide your time.

Given what you have been through it sounds quite normal in what you feel.

As everyone has said babies don't really do anything for the first few weeks.

Just take it one day at a time . Once you come out of the fog of the first few months you could always go back to Spain with your ds as from your op that seemed to come out as one of the biggest disappointments

I know I'm expecting too much from him, overall he eats burps poops pees and sleeps. His awake time is normally between 4 and 8 and this is when my mum's house has visitors and I feel like he is much more content and happy when he's awake with other people rather than me. This is the one thing that infuriates me and upsets me, I can't help but feel angry at him and don't understand why he's only settled with me when I'm feeding him! It's like I give so much and get nothing back! But again I know I'm expecting far too much but I can't get over that feeling of "I've spent all day with you and you're only happy with other people". The constant feeling of "oh shit I have to do this and do that and do this but Harris is not settled and he's tired so he needs to sleep, or is he hungry? No he's not hungry I just fed him? Nappy?" Etc etc .. it's exhausting and it's like I'm a robot with no feelings other than being overwhelmed .. my original post was written on a really bad day I haven't had a really bad day in a few days now but I just don't feel happy at all! Things are better but I'm not my usual self, I have my post natal check up in 2 weeks and if I don't feel any better then I'll speak to my GP! Thanks everyone