Can’t take anymore

[EmilyA89]

I don’t know where to start! I feel like I have so much going on in my head and I’m really finding it hard to cope.

My baby is almost 9 months now. First baby and love her to absolute pieces. I planned to have her and had been saving months beforehand to make sure we could afford all her furniture, clothes etc. Was very fortunate as I became pregnant first try.

I feel like the best way for me to say the things I’m going through is to bullet point but I feel like I’ll be going on forever!

• I feel like I’m not good enough for my baby. I try so hard to do everything right by her only for people to comment that I’m obsessed with her. I get laughed at her ironing her clothes including her bibs and towels! I really want her to grow up being inspired by me but I feel so stupid and incapable of ever being successful in a career. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give her the lifestyle I wish for her. I feel like sometimes I should give her up to be with a family that can provide her with everything she needs and wants. I get so depressed and end up crying round her all the time. I don’t want it around her. She deserves so much more.

• I am sick and tired of people telling me how to parent my child or being told I am making a rod for my own back. My baby still sleeps in the same bed as me as she still wakes 3 times a night and it’s easier for me to feed her. Constantly being told to put her in her cot. I pick her up when she cries but my husband tells me I should let her cry it out. I don’t want to let my child be upset! We have such different views on how a baby should be raised.

• being told by my mother in laws partner that I need to let my husband have a hobby (be in his band and practise his guitar) it really upset me as I then got compared to his ex wife and how she never use to let him do anything which is why he became depressed. This man has no idea what it’s like to live with my husband. He does what he wants when he wants. I don’t have any hobby and don’t even feel like my own person anymore. My whole life revolves around my baby so to be told that I should let my husband have ‘me time’ when I have none really pees me off! I feel like when you have a baby you don’t have a hobby anymore. Your child comes first.

• feel like my marriage is completely breaking down. Don’t feel like we love each other anymore. Home just feels like a really unhappy place to be. We constantly argue and he numerous times goes out after work without telling me and comes home at 6am. He ignores the phone and I can’t handle being ignored. It really gets to me and I end up in floods of tears. I end up smashing his stuff up and the next day we have the most explosive arguments. I feel awful that this happens around my baby.

He keeps telling me to go to the doctors as he thinks I have bipolar and its not normal how I react to things. I get told I also have anger problems. I start thinking have I?! I must admit that some days I feel confident, I’m going to study to become whatever and then the next day I’ll feel like a thick idiot and never going to get anywhere in life. I feel like I set such high standards for myself but yet I’ll never reach them. I constantly cry, feel sorry for myself, argue and feel like everyone’s against me. There are so many other issues with us I’d be here all night typing if I started.

• I have awful images in my head of something bad happening to my daughter. I have never left her side. It’s slightly driving me crazy as I never have time to myself anymore (other than when she finally sleeps at 11.30 at night!) but I don’t feel comfortable leaving her with anyone. Part of the problem is is that we live an hour and a half from my mum so it’s hard for my daughter to have a close bond with her. I try to stay at my mums when I can and after a few days I’ll try pop to the shop but my daughter gets in such a state, she hyperventilates, uncontrollably crying and I haven’t even reached the shops. I end up having to come straight back as she gets in such a state I can’t leave her like it. My husbands family (apart from his mum who we sometimes see) make no effort with her whatsoever so there’s no bond there.

I never feel comfortable leaving her with my husband because he talks to her like an adult rather than understanding that she is a baby and doesn’t know what he is telling her not to do! I know he would never hurt her but I just picture him loosing his temper and she gets hurt. So as soon as he has her and I’m getting ready for bed or doing some cleaning, I hear a cry and I’m straight there to take her off him. I have such bad anxiety that something awful is going to happen to her it stresses me out so much. Is this normal? Some of the other thought I have are unspeakable and then I get upset that I’d ever think of something so evil. I’m just so worried something bad is going to happen it ends up playing over and over again in my head. It’s like mental torture.

• I feel so lonely and like I have the weight of the world on me. I look at my daughter and just cry sometimes. I feel like I’ll never be good enough for her or be able to give her nice holidays or a happy home. I started my new job the day I found out I was pregnant so only got smp. It’s now finished so I have no money other than what my husband earns but he has the bank card and we constantly live hand to mouth. We are not in debt with council tax, rent etc but credit cards he hides from me and lies about how much is on them. I spend no money whatsoever. I’m desperate to just get my hair cut to make me feel human again as I feel like a total wreck! I don’t feel like I’m ready to go back to work as baby is still too young to leave and I’m just not ready to leave her either. The thought of it brings on such bad anxiety but then at the same time I need money. I have no idea what to do with my life anymore. I want to go to the doctors and tell them all this and the rest but I just feel stupid or say I’m an unfit mother.

Sorry for the rant for anyone who’s reading this! I suppose I just needed to try get some of it off my chest and see if anyone else is in the same boat and how they cope. Am I going crazy?!

You're not going crazy. You sound like an excellent mother to your baby. I think I suffered with MH issues when my son was younger, it's hard for me to say if it was definitely MH or not as it all seemed normal to me to feel that way.

I think you should go to your doctors and tell them how anxious you are, maybe somebody could help you deal with the anxieties a bit better.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to stay with your baby, but I do think it's important for you all that the father has time to bond/soothe/care for his child, it takes a lot of practice but he'll get to know what works and what doesn't. I went back to work at 7 months and my partner would care for our son, I'm not going to lie it wasn't easy but it's helped us all and given me some much needed time to be myself. My son is nearly two now and them two are as thick as thieves. You'd of never thought it if you saw him with our son as a baby.

Small steps are the way forward, nip to the shop, have a long bath shout helpful tips at your dh if baby cries, mine loved that , go for a walk, meet up with friends. Gradually you'll realise that your dh can cope, you both need to work at it though.

Don't try and stop your DH from having a hobby, as a parent I think it's so important to do things you enjoy and have a break. You both need that, and I'm sure with time you'll find the right balance for you all. Go to your doctors and start taking small steps, it will get better once the right support is in place

I totally understand everything that you're going through! And, if it helps, I think that it's completely normal, but talking to the HV will help you out with this, I promise!

I feel the same, emotional way with my little girl, she's 4 months old now and I still get really sad because I think that I can't do this and that and the other. I think that it might really help you to focus on the great things that you manage to offer your baby. You still manage to feed her, give her a roof over her head, she has clothes on her back, etc. I keep having to remind myself that this is a really emotional time for any Mother and it's okay to cry.

No one can tell you how to parent your child, you're thinking of your baby as the number one priority and that's what you need to do. You are her Mother and it sounds like you're doing a great job! This step Father-in-law person sounds like he isn't thinking of your baby as the number one in this situation, so try not to let his opinions have too much of an affect on you. I know that it's easier said than done, but you have the final say and he doesn't.

In regards to your partner, staying out until 6am without telling you and answering the phone is a major nob head move. I mean, maybe he is just feeling really overwhelmed with his home life situation too, and he has the luxury of being able to stay out all night. I know that people deal with stress in different ways, but it sounds like he is going about it the wrong way. I've been in a very similar situation with my partner and, as I am pretty financially dependent on him too, I have learnt to just bite my tongue and focus all of my energy on my baby. Since I started doing that and laying into him less, he has started to open up to me a bit more and stay out less. But, the point is, that I don't waste my energy on thinking about it anymore. He is third, or forth, if you count the dog... down my list of priorities now!

I understand that it's hard and that you feel like you're doing it all by yourself sometimes.

Oh! Also, with your anxious thoughts about your baby, I read somewhere not long ago that over half of new mums have these horrible thoughts, so you are totally not alone in that!

I would recommend talking to your favourite HV, because they will have heard all of this before. And feel free to PM me, if you need to talk!