Scared I won't be able to bond with my second baby after birth

[charlottexox]

I had DD August 2016 and had a hard birth. I lost a pint of my blood and needed a transfusion and iron transition.
Throughout my entire pregnancy with her, I couldn't wait to experience the feeling mums feel where their baby is placed on them for the first time.
Unfortunately I never felt that "electric feeling of love" when DD was placed on me. I felt, anger, sadness and complete exhaustion. I could not bond with her while in the hospital (in for 5 days after birth) and holding her felt like a chore. It also felt like she wasn't mine, like she was "fake" like a doll and not a real baby.
When we got home, it did get a little better, but I finally felt a bond with her when she was about 8 or 9 months.
Although I knew I loved her, I just didn't feel a connection to her.
Now she is 18 months and I could never imagine life without her. She is my absolute best friend and we laugh together so much.

I am currently 11 weeks pregnant with my second baby and have such a fear of this feeling happening again. It was an incredibly dark and lonely time for me after her birth and for first couple of months after. I did go to my gp and they offered me counselling and medication but I can't really say if it helped me or not.
Just wondering, is this something to bring up at my next midwife appointment? Or wait until we do my birth plan later on? Also, I feel so guilty that I felt that way and I feel like the only woman to have felt this way. I'm wondering if anyone else felt like this and what you did to help your second time be a better time?

Hi OP. I empathise completely as I also had a horrid birth with DD1, nearly 3 years ago. I went through a lot of what you descibe and also didn't bond for a long time. The birth resulted in me suffering PTSD for 18 months and I finally recovered after going on anti-depressants. So I know your anxiety!
I am currently 25 weeks with DD2 and I would definitely say tell you midwife from the start. Mine has been amaaazing, we told her my history at the booking in appointment and there's a whole section in your notes for mental health that she will fill out. It's so helpful to air your anxieties right away. My midwife said from the start "So, this time then we want to try and avoid x, y and z and this was part of the problem last time, you can speak to a consultant at the hospital if you feel it would be helpful prior to the birth" etc etc. At each appointment she asks me how I'm feeling about birth and it's just great to know she is on my side and actively supporting me.
I think for me, I didn't get pregnant until I knew I was fully recovered from my mental health conditions and felt confident I could tackle pregnancy and birth again. But I still have anxiety around having another hard birth - the key is to keep talking. And also to remind yourself that this time around, you are going to be WAY more confident in the process, in your body, in your choices...everything will feel a little less shocking and we will be able to articulate what we want far better. I don't know about you but the first time around I just nodded yes to everything because I didn't know anything else. This time around I'll be way more confident in talking to midwives, asking for what I want, and also speaking out and asking for help far sooner if I find myself struggling again. Definitely bring it up with your midwife!

OP - I had a similar experience with ds. I loved him but mostly just felt incredible sense of responsibility, not a bond. It's hard to describe. I was open with my MWs about how I struggled and they were fantastic about putting extra support in place, particularly after DD was born.

What was interesting was how different the DD experience was. For a start, although I was worried, I KNEW that no matter what, I would eventually bond with her because I had with DS. In fact, i bonded much quicker and it was a lot easier. And if anything, the experience showed me how awful the DS experience had been - I think I had been a little bit in denial about it.

Be honest, remind yourself that your bond with DD HAS developed and it WILL develop with this baby and take all the support offered.

Good luck!

@WorkingBling @PJsAndProsecco
Hi ladies, thanks very much for your input. Nice to hear I am not alone here, makes me feel less guilty about those feelings I felt after having DD.
Just wondering what support you ladies received - any mental health workers? Or an action plan in place for when you had your babies?

My midwife has said she will do as much as she can after the birth to help. My midwife with DD1 did extra home visits and kept me on for longer. I'm sure this one will do the same if I need to, and she will also refer me straight to the GP if she feels I need it. But this time around I'm also far more aware of myself, my emotions and what I will need to do should I find myself struggling again in any way. And I won't be afraid to ask for help. First time round I felt this sense of shame that I was failing as a mum because I wasn't feeling how I thought I should be. That made me wait 18 months to ask for proper help. No way will I be worried to ask this time.