I am suffering

[Rhynswynd]

I am sure I am suffering with PND and anxiety and my baby is 7 weeks old
Symptoms:

Everyday I consider killing myself
I have zero tolerance for anyone or anything
My anger flares from nothing
I am getting very little sleep (but I have a small baby so not unusual)
I have no desire for intimacy (including hugs) from my husband whereas usually I love to touch and be around him
I keep imagining awful things happening to my children and the baby and I can't get the images out of my head. for example, car accidents or a crazy person attacking them in public. I never have thoughts about me harming them
I think quite often that the family would be better off without me
I cry a lot but not where anyone sees me
I am not ashamed of how I feel but rather I can not allow myself to show anyone or ask for help
I can't focus or think straight about anything
Words are eluding me in conversation and I feel so stupid and embarrassed
I can not bear being alone while everyone else is at work/school etc because that is when the thoughts are loudest.

I don't feel like this all day, every day but it is at least some of the time every day.

I would struggle hugely talking to my Dr as I don't like him very much and he has been dismissive of me in the past. I have a health visitor (called Maternal Child Health Nurse here though) and I get the feeling that they say they want to help but in reality there is little to no help available.

This is my 4th baby (10th pregnancy) and last baby forever (my choice) and they all say that I know what I am doing so all good. But I have never felt like this before but am not sure if I will be helped or brushed aside like every other time I have asked for any help because when I am talking to an adult I am a lot more together than when I am on my own and can convince them I am fine with a few blue periods due to lack of sleep. I almost convince my self.

Anyway...all this is building up and I actually feel like it is getting to the point I can't pretend any more and I am starting to feel crushed by the intensity of my thoughts and feelings.

This sounds absolutely awful for you, I'm sorry you are going through this! I don't need to tell you as it sounds like you already know but you need to get help/support to get through this! I don't have a lot of knowledge/advice with this but didn't want to not reply! Do your family know how you are feeling? Can you ask to see a different doctor? Have you considered going to counselling? I go to counselling for other things and find it helps me a lot!

You sound so strong - you have diagnosed yourself accurately and have such insight into what is going on. I think your instincts are right - you need to deal with this now.

1. Forget useless GP. Go to another doctor. Ask your partner or a friend to find a woman's clinic that might help or an alternative GP practice. Google "best GPs for PND in my area" maybe. Or just a free women's clinic.

1. could you talk to your partner honestly about how you are feeling and/or a friend etc.

So sorry you are going through this. You know this is PND. Please try to get help - or reach out so those around you can get you the help you deserve and need. thinking of you.

There is definitely lots of help available, you need to be 100% honest to health visitor etc, don't be ashamed (I know easier said than done) but you've taken the first step by being brave and honest on here xx

I sent a link about pnd symptoms to my DH and said that I think that t i have a lot of the symptoms...this was his reply.

I'm sorry you feel like that. I would agree with you though, I'd say you have experienced it after each baby to a certain extent, some times being worse than others. Problem is your mental health isn't where it should be and hasn't been for some time so your level of resilience is significantly reduced and you are going to struggle alot more to bounce back from the bad thoughts or hard days. I'm sorry. If there is anything specific I can do to help please talk to me. I love you and miss you all day. X x x

I dont know what to make of it.

(((Rhynswynd)))

I read that as a reply from someone who struggles with writing anything to do with feelings and emotion, but who really, genuinely cares and wants to help you, but doesn't have a clue how, and is expecting you to be able to tell him what you need. I take it, it's not the response you wanted or expected? In your situation (and I've been there, having horrendous PND after DS2) I would take him up on his offer of "anything specific" and ask him to come with you to go see your GP and explain how you're feeling. It will likely help him understand better, too, if he hears you talking with the doctor.

By "go see your GP" I didn't mean go to your useless/dismissive one. Try to see a different one, if you can.

DH is really backward in emotion I suppose. I just did not know what to make of his message but he spoke to my nurse and has more of an idea what is happening and he is being really supportive.
I went to my maternal child health nurse and told her the full story. I have been referred to a mother and baby unit for a couple of weeks to get some help as they have specialists onsite to assist new mums with mental health as well as physical and how to look after baby.

I feel a bit odd needing this as this is my 4th baby and in theory I should be fine but I should just listen to them and do what I need to do and put my health and family first.
Thank you all for your kind words and advice.