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At my wits end with being a mum now

12 replies

LJ17xx · 20/02/2018 12:30

Just cannot take it anymore. I posted on here a while back and people suggested it would probably get better. Now, a couple of days off my DS being 9 months and if anything it's got worse. He doesn't like to play with me, he whines, can't put him down, he whines, he doesn't sleep at night and only has really short naps. He screams and screams when I give him anything savoury. Started off savoury- just veg when beginning to wean. He is very happy with others. I am constantly stressed. We go to lots of groups and he's happy around others but the minute we leave he's whining again. I'm so so stressed and so tired. I feel quite unloved and clearly I am not cut out for motherhood.
Any advice/support would be great.
Sorry the post is so long!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
lovelystar · 22/02/2018 23:11

Don't have much advice sorry but didn't want to just read and run Flowers. My little one is only a few days old and was browsing this area for help. Really hope you start to feel better soon

theconstantinoplegardener · 22/02/2018 23:27

That does sound difficult. I don't think you are necessarily not cut out for motherhood, but your little one does sound quite demanding and you must both be exhausted. Have you spoken to your GP and health visitor about the situation? I stress both of them because they have different strengths and skills - sometimes one will see what the other doesn't.
Meanwhile, will your baby go in a sling when you're home from playgroup? My DD also liked to be held a lot, and the sling allowed me to get stuff done and kept her happy. Do you talk to your baby a lot? Sometimes they stop crying to listen to your voice and it really doesn't matter what you say - a stream of consciousness about the weather, lunch, what you need to do this afternoon. Is there anybody who could mind the baby for an hour here or there so you can get a break? Consider talking to your GP about how you are feeling, too. You sound tired and demoralised. I hope you can get some help- good luck. Flowers

LJ17xx · 23/02/2018 10:44

Unfortunately I can't baby wear- he's far too heavy and my back and shoulders don't agree with it :/ also still very sore section scar. I've spoken to my HV and doctor a few times but not much help really :/
Thank you both

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Calmingvibrations · 03/03/2018 23:48

Do you get any time to yourself at all - is there an OH / family who can give you some time out to sleep / breathe / scream?
I’m really sure that your baby does love you - it can often seem like babies prefer other people. my 8 month old always looks so happy and excited to see his dad whereas I get half a smile when I return home. And I (half) joke how that’s not fair as I was the one up all night every night doing the grunt work!

Do you think your at such a low ebb that you can’t find any enjoyment with your little one now? Are you perhaps only focussing on the really difficult parts (which maybe the majority of the time) and not acknowledging the times your baby is responding with smiles / enjoying being with you?

If your baby is happy around others then you must be doing something right :) you’ve got to 9 months and perservered caring for them day in day out, even when it’s been really tough - do you give yourself enough of a pat on the back for this? You are your babies world, without you he / she wouldn’t survive.

Sorry I’m not expressing myself very well (tiredness). But I personally know what it’s like when you get to a low point and can’t see anything good in a situation. Often it can be a mindset and interpretation of difficult situation rather than the reality (eg feeling baby loves you).

I really hope you feel better soon but please ask for help - can your GP refer you to anyone who can help you? Even if it’s to provide an ear in real life?

Calmingvibrations · 03/03/2018 23:50

Sorry just read youve asked your GP. Do you think they get how low you are? Is there a perinatal mental health team who can provide support?

phoolani · 04/03/2018 00:00

What’s your history? My feeling from your post is that you are bringing things to your mothering that need dealing with. Not saying ‘you’re to blame ‘ but babies tend to behave insecurely when they feel insecure. Do you think there may be reasons why you may be inclined to feel negatively towards your baby (independent of his behaviour)? Absolutely not talking about you being a bad mother, but we bring so many expectations to motherhood, they can sometimes really trip us up if we don’t realise the effect they can have.

dantdmistedious · 04/03/2018 00:02

You shouldn't have a sore scar at this stage - are you healed properly?

Do you think you could be depressed?

LJ17xx · 05/03/2018 13:38

Been to gp numerous times about the scar and they say it's all fine.
I don't get very much time to myself as a lone parent so it can be difficult for me-time

OP posts:
LJ17xx · 05/03/2018 13:40

I was taking antidepressants for about 2 years but have stopped them due to them making me feel so sick, I've tried a few different ones. So got to the point where I just wouldn't take them

OP posts:
Dadofthree86 · 06/03/2018 05:02

Hi...I hope you don't mind me posting with me being a male and all..I'm a father of 3..I have a 7 year old, a 3 year old and a 2 year old and I've only just registered on here as I have a few issues I'd like to fix myself.

My advice to you is first of all try your hardest not to panic and also be aware that more people than you might think are going through what you are currently going through..some are just really good at covering it up... not that it makes it any less stressful for you however understanding that this is fairly common should help you realise that you're not actually doing anything wrong.

It's completely normal to feel like you want to give up at times which is understandable considering that you've got an extremely hard job with being mum.

From birth up until about 3 years can be very frustrating for us parents as well as our children due to us not knowing how to communicate with each other.

Persistence is key and things will get better I promise especially when they start talking. One thing that I noticed with all 3 of mine was how their emotions and actions were a reflection of my own.

Have you ever been in a room with someone and you've asked them "Whats wrong" because you can sense how they are feeling? Or have you ever said to someone "you look like you're in a happy mood" before you've even said hello to each other?

Now if mum (or dad in my case) is stressed and feeling frustrated about how things are going then the chances are is that the baby will be feeling the same also.

The best way that I have learned to deal with this particular issue is by controlling my breathing..I know I sound crazy right?

If you haven't already.. When you get that unhappy feeling then try taking lots of slow deep breaths...force yourself to be as calm as you can...turn the radio off and turn peppa pig down and try to be as stress free as you can be whislt in that moment.

Although baby cries are horrible sometimes they are necessary. My oldest would scream if I put her down for a second and at the time I thought it was easier to pick her straight back up again to prevent the neighbors from filing noise complaints against me.

Now I'm gonna sound like a crazy man again but I remember that I reverted back to when I was about 10 years old when we had got a puppy. The puppy would do nothing but do that puppy cry puppies do every time it was alone because it probably didn't have a clue what was happening. My mum used to make us all leave the room for about 5-10 seconds and then would make us walk back in and give it fuss evertime we did. After a short while and longer gaps there was no problem at all. Now I'm not comparing babies to puppies (well I kind of am aren't lol) but using little techniques like that can do you a world of good although it can be a challenge.

I can 100% relate to the feeling you have with your child not wanting to play etc...my son did the same to me...plus he also called me mum for a year and a half even though Dad was his first word...and although we're now closer than ever these days he'll do things like call me stupid or tell me he doesn't like me just to wait for me to react but then he'll be alright again once I do. It's him learning but not really knowing how to communicate. I've started to react less and again we're seeing improvements.

I hope everything gets better for you and I'm sure it's probably a phase...the problem with phases is that it can go from one extreme to another. All we can do is out best but one day they will all love us and respect us for doing just that.

Take care, be strong and honestly keep up the good work! 💪💪👊👊

LJ17xx · 06/03/2018 15:34

Dadofthree thanks so much for the supportive comment. Definitely some things to consider

OP posts:
ealj6815 · 10/03/2018 10:50

Just remember your still new to this, every day is a new day to and your still learning.
I feel for you a lot, it sounds really fustrating. I suggest keep yourself busy with the classes if that's what you both enjoy. Also find someone who can take him off your hand just for a couple of hours. Whether that's just for you to do the house work, go shopping, have a coffee with a friend or simply just go home and relax.
Make sure baby and you are getting lots of fresh air.
Research into lots of new things to do. Play lots of music for them ( this sounds unusual but music you like seems to be the best music for them).

But don't ever put yourself down, baby's go through stages which make it seem like your not doing enough but believe me your doing a fantastic job. My thoughts are with you and hope it gets better. Babies are hard work but people still go on to have more than one like me lol.

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