I don't enjoy this!

[MandyGGMNA]

Hi. I'm a new Momma of a baby boy. He was a month early and we are fresh out of the special care unit.
Obviously we didn't get the best start, in fact it was terrifying.
Now we are home I am not happy at all.
I don't enjoy any of it. I absolutely adore him and want to protect him but I feel very lonely and very trapped.
I suffer from depression and I am still grieving the loss of my Mum. I took anti depressants to help with berievement but stopped when I found out I was pregnant.
I would like to go back on them to see if they help but my husband is against the idea. He says I'm just masking the problem.
I feel like every day is a struggle and I feel like I'm not putting his needs first because of how low I feel in myself. I feel very selfish.
People keep putting me in touch with groups and someone suggested Home Start but if I'm honest I don't really want people here or to keep talking
about it. I don't even like people sending cards or presents, I don't find any joy in any of it. I find no interest in food anymore either, I just eat because I have to but everything just tastes like metal (weird I know)
I enjoyed my own company quite a lot before so I'm not used to people coming round or going to groups.
I would quite like some self help advice and maybe some reassurance that it is normal to feel this way.
TIA

I have never suffered from depression before but I still have days when I feel as you describe. Mine is 10 days old but we spent first 7 in hospital so coming home feels like starting again. It is incredibly hard and I feel a real sense of bereavement for my past life of freedom. So I think what you are feeling is normal. I am breast feeding and mine is almost permanently latched on which is also weird - he rarely sleeps! The nutter.

Hope this helps you feel a bit less alone.

Go and see yoir GP. It doesn't matter what your husband thinks, it's likely you're still in need of some medical help.

I am sorry you feel like this. Being a parent is the hardest thing in the world even without depression. I felt the same as you and still do some days (my son is 8 months) you are not alone, the lack of sleep does not help. Please go and get some help from your GP and talk to family and friends about how you feel.

Ignore your husband. He's not a medical expert. Antidepressants don't mask problems, they help you cope with them, in the same way a cast helps you cope with a broken leg, or antibiotics help you fight an infection. If you need them you should have them. If you need therapy you should have that. You know there is something very wrong, please don't let your husband hold you back from getting the help you need to get better. Talk to your health visitor, midwife or doctor, and get that help. You absolutely will not regret it.

Have you spoken to your health visitor or even gp? You have been through some stressful life events and imo you may need some help whether it is going back onto anti depressants or be referred to counselling.

You are not being selfish, life is just difficult and that is ok.

Thank you so much, it does help knowing I'm not alone! I completely understand how you feel when you say you're grieving for your old life, I feel exactly the same. It has to get better right? !
Congratulations on your little one, it's so so hard being a new Mum so I'm sending get lots of love X

I relate to this so much. As much as I love mg daughter I often feel a sense of sadness for my old life.
I can't offer any good advice I've just been burying this feeling deep down so far and hoping it goes away :-/

Your husband is not a dr. Please see your gp.

Firstly, newborns are very demanding but they do get a lot easier and will start to give lots back in the way of smiles and love.
It certainly sounds as if you are suffering from depression. This is a medical issue for which you can be treated with medication, much like im sure your husband would do if he had an illness or was in chronic pain. It doesn't sound as if your husband really understands depression; this is not something you can just snap out of. Would he be willing to go to the GP with you so that the doc coukd maybe explain to him? You have had two very significant life events occur, and the birth of your baby has brought with it significant changes in your hormornes which will magnify your feelings tenfold. Many people feel 'blue' after birth without suffering from an existing form of depression or from loosing their mother prior to the pregnancy. Remember that you have the right to feel happy and enjoy your child. Motherhood can be lonely enough in the early days without this to contend with. If you have never had children, it is hard to understand the overwhelming feeling that it can bring. I would advise that for your own wellbeing and that of uour child, you fo what is best for you now. A wise person told me after i had given birth that you need to do what is best for you now, to help get you through. The immediate postpartum period is not the time for your husband to expect you to face your struggles head-on. Maybe you coukd suggest that you discuss how to manage your depression onxe dc is a little older and not as needy, and once yiur hormornes have settled a little, but gor now you would like to try medication?
Love and hugs xxx