Birth Debrief

[BlueBelle81]

Have any of you decided to be debriefed after a difficult birth?

Since DS was born 10 weeks ago I've been getting very tearful whenever I think about the birth. I keep bringing it up and asking dh to clarify and confirm details. I feel like I should put it behind me and just enjoy my beautiful little boy who I longed for for so long but each time I get a quiet moment it all crowds in on me again.

It all came to a head yesterday at my NCT reunion when I was asked to sum up the experience in a word. All I could think of was "devastating" and then I burst into tears. I don't want my experience of labour to overshadow my son''s arrival in this way.

So I think it might be helpful to go to the hospital and get talked through how things were recorded. My only concern is whether their record of events will differ hugely from my memory of them and whether that will make me feel really insecure (or angry).

I'd like to hear from other women who were debriefed: was it helpful? do you have any reservations? Would you do it again?

TIA

I had a horrible birth with my DD1, and found it really hard afterwards, think it definitely contributed to my PND. I went for the debrief and found it really helpful. They go through step by step and ask how you felt/what your thoughts are on each bit. I felt they really listened and cared about what I had experienced. And it helped me get things straight in my mind as well as giving them feedback so if a similar situation arises they can plan to handle it better.
We had also been through the complaints process which is different and this was on the advice of one of the midwives who said no one complains because you get swept up in the newborn bubble but that without it they don’t get feedback.
In both instances I got an apology but I think the debrief was invaluable for getting my head around what happened as it’s much more factual. My DH remembered a lot but not every specific and it’s sometimes good to go through things with an outsider.
It was hard and upsetting at times but to get explanations of why x happened etc was great. I would highly recommend doing it. So sorry you’re feeling this way.xx

I went for a debrief a few months after DS’s very traumatic birth. I’m so glad that I went. It enabled me to understand what had happened better but also crucially for me to understand that it hadn’t been my fault.

It’s like it stopped this constant negative cycle of thoughts I was having about his birth and let me start processing them and dealing with them. I hope that makes sense.

Also, acknowledging you had a terrible birth experience and being devastated by that doesn’t mean you are any less grateful for your DC. Be kind to yourself OP.

Thank you so much for your responses. It sounds like you both got from the debrief what I'd be hoping to get from it.
My dh has said that our recollection of events matches but that our interpretation of them differs wildly. Which is normal I guess as we were experiencing them from very different places.
I am also considering a complaint as I believe I was examined without my consent (or rather I consented then withdrew it and the exam continued).
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences I really appreciate it. Did your partners attend the debrief with you? Was that helpful?

I went alone which I think made it better. My DH is fully supportive and went through the complaints process with me but when it came to the debrief I found it more helpful for someone to hear my side and feelings.
If you think your OH will listen quietly then take him along as it might be good for him to grasp your full feelings, but as you’ve said you and he were in very different positions.
It’s the most vulnerable time ever and scary for a woman, You don’t know what’s right/wrong etc and it’s hard to voice your feelings when you’re in the midst of labour. But in the debrief you can. If he’s there will you hold back on what you say? Or might he argue/give a different opinion? In which case I’d say go alone so you can get the full benefit.

Thanks Bulldog.
I think I'll give him the option to come. I know he'd be supportive.

Good luck Bluebelle. I really hope it helps you.💐

DH came with me. He was totally supportive. The end of my labour was terrifying for him as well; he thought he was going to lose me and DS. So the debrief helped him to process those emotions.

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences xx