Feeling lost - I need help :(

[albaol]

I'll try to make this as brief as possible and I'm ashamed about the way I feel, but I don't know what to do and really need help. My little girl is 4 weeks old, I had a horrendous pregnancy with complications which meant I never thought I would actually have a baby in my arms at the end of it. I also then had a really long and traumatic labour and birth which ended in an emergency caesarean and my baby being taken straight away from me for a few hours before I even got a chance to hold her. I feel cheated that I missed out on the experience of the initial 'rush of emotions' and the chance to fall in love with my baby. I was so delirious I even managed to convince myself that when she was returned to me, that it was possible she wasn't actually my baby. I couldn't shake that feeling for at least the first week, and I still don't feel that I have made the right connection with her. I'm devastated. This is not how I'm supposed to feel. I spend the majority of my time feeling on the verge of tears, it's much worse at night. I dread that time of day and I will cry and cry and cry. When she starts to cry I just burst into tears. I feel resentful towards my husband because I am breastfeeding and I feel tied and almost trapped, while I feel that he is free. I feel completely restricted on what I can do and where I can go. I'm frightened to go anywhere in case she cries and I need to feed her, but I'm reluctant to stop breastfeeding because I know it's what's best for her. Although I don't feel as in love with her as I should, I really do have her best interests at heart and want to look after her. I'm terrified at night and I sometimes lie awake and just listen to her breathing. I'm constantly checking that her blankets are tucked in properly and I'm obsessed with the room temperate because I'm so so scared about SIDS. I have always suffered from mild anxiety but never needed treatment and my pregnancy exacerbated it badly. I just really don't know what to do. I want to fall in love with my baby. I see how my husband feels about her and I just wish I could feel the same. He always says to me 'isn't it amazing how much love you can feel towards her' I literally cannot bring myself to reply, I just smile and hold back the tears. I really don't know what to do. I feel numb and empty yet sad at the same time. I just feel so lost. I want to know if anybody else ever felt the same and if it gets better

Hi hun, so sorry you're feeling this way but I can say I felt exactly the same.
I am also breastfeeding and was on the verge of tears for weeks. It's hard work in the beginning, the feeding side of things does get easier.
I had a csection too and it makes it even harder recovery wise.
My daughter is almost 12 weeks old and everything is much better now. She's mostly sleeping through and the lack of sleep is subsiding, my mind is much clearer and I feel I'm enjoying her now.
She is my 3rd baby and by far the most demanding.
It does get better. Have you spoken to your health visitor? They can help tremendously, even just to have a chat and to feel you're not on your own. My health visitor pointed me in the direction of some breastfeeding support groups in my area which I've been going to and the majority of the mums there have felt the exact same way I did too.
You sound like you are doing an amazing job chick, keep it up

Oh my love 4 weeks is still so little, I wasn't in love with my son at that age either and I had things quite easy. About half of my friends didn't have the "in love" feeling either - it grows and that's ok

I had the anxiety thing though, worried about him all the time. That got easier at about 4 months - im still a little bit more anxious that some but it's manageable

Talk to people if you are struggling - it really can get better, please don't be hard on yourself

Thank you both. Amy, I'm glad to hear that it does get better. I agree the lack of sleep really doesn't help.. I'm struggling with that so badly I feel so emotional. It makes me feel better to know I'm not the only person who hasn't found things easy. My husband works nights sometimes so when I'm alone I feel even worse. I think it's harder as well because the breastfeeding hasn't exactly been smooth sailing. I've been in tears through pain before now and would cry when I knew the next feed was coming. I haven't said anything to the health visitor but I'm considering speaking to the GP when I go I'm just afraid they will judge me as being a bad mother .

Blue, I'm really surprised yet treasured that it's more common than I thought for people to feel that way. All I ever hear people talk about is how amazing a feeling it is, and how you're supposed to get a sudden rush of love as soon as they're placed on your chest. I've spent the last four weeks feeling such a failure for feeling the way I do and not experiencing this. Don't get me wrong I still feel ashamed of myself but I do feel slightly better that maybe it will happen for me in time. Thank you xx

Meant to say reassured* not treasured x

Please don't feel ashamed. I was the last of my group to conceive (needed ivf) but my friends are amazing and every single one told me they hadn't felt that immediate rush. In fact the only person I know who had was my mum and even she said "you know I've always been obsessed with you, but actually that might not happen for you, please don't feel bad if it doesn't - it's really normal"

In fact, 1 friend said "be prepared to think 'holy shit - I've ruined my life having this baby' for at least 8 weeks" and the other said the reason we don't get to trail being mums before we do it is because no one would choose to do it if they only got 2 months to test it out! It gets better. My second friend ended up with PND because she was so ashamed of how she felt. After therapy she learnt it's pretty normal and tries to tell all new mums now. People just need to speak out more. Although, you also kind of forget. I'm absolutely head over heals for my son now- he's my entire world and it's hard to actually remember those early feelings now which is maybe why some people don't say?

4 weeks is exhausting, the sleep situation usually gets better about 8 weeks too (they're easy to love when they're sleeping more! )

About breastfeeding, look it was easy for me- im still breastfeeding and he's one but because it was easy for both of us. Actually I regret not combination feeding him from the start because I still can't leave him too long now as he won't take a bottle and doesn't eat food. He gets as many colds as the other babies around us (all of whom are formula fed)
Baby just needs to be fed - that's all. Please don't torture yourself trying to exclusively breastfeed. If you want to carry on, contact breastfeeding support but if you don't that's ok too. It really is. You have to look after yourself.

Please don't feel ashamed. I was the last of my group to conceive (needed ivf) but my friends are amazing and every single one told me they hadn't felt that immediate rush. In fact the only person I know who had was my mum and even she said "you know I've always been obsessed with you, but actually that might not happen for you, please don't feel bad if it doesn't - it's really normal"

In fact, 1 friend said "be prepared to think 'holy shit - I've ruined my life having this baby' for at least 8 weeks" and the other said the reason we don't get to trail being mums before we do it is because no one would choose to do it if they only got 2 months to test it out! It gets better. My second friend ended up with PND because she was so ashamed of how she felt. After therapy she learnt it's pretty normal and tries to tell all new mums now. People just need to speak out more. Although, you also kind of forget. I'm absolutely head over heals for my son now- he's my entire world and it's hard to actually remember those early feelings now which is maybe why some people don't say?

4 weeks is exhausting, the sleep situation usually gets better about 8 weeks too (they're easy to love when they're sleeping more! )

About breastfeeding, look it was easy for me- im still breastfeeding and he's one but because it was easy for both of us. Actually I regret not combination feeding him from the start because I still can't leave him too long now as he won't take a bottle and doesn't eat food. He gets as many colds as the other babies around us (all of whom are formula fed)
Baby just needs to be fed - that's all. Please don't torture yourself trying to exclusively breastfeed. If you want to carry on, contact breastfeeding support but if you don't that's ok too. It really is. You have to look after yourself.

@albaol I found it difficult when my husband went to work and that was during the day. I sobbed even when he was at home!
The first 6 weeks are the hardest or were for me anyway. It seemed like a never ending cycle... feed, poo, sick and feeling absolutely drained and then she smiled at me and my heart melted. It made all the effort worth while and I feel head over heals in love with this squishy, tiny human who I thought hated me!
Don't feel ashamed of how you feel, it's bloody hard work and you're are doing great. Just worrying shows you love you LO.
Take care and try to rest if you can, I didn't and I wish I had have done xx

Hi Albaol - just wanted to say I felt exactly like this at 4 weeks. I’ve always suffered with mild to moderate anxiety but pregnancy really exacerbated it too. I ended up having counselling through the NSH let’s talk service and that really helped. When my baby arrived, I felt nothing for him for weeks and weeks. I used to spend all day thinking about how I could get out of this terrible mistake...run away, put him up for adoption etc. I used to go to baby groups and see other mums with their babies and think ‘they seem to like being with them, I wonder what that’s like’ while I just looked at my baby and felt nothing. Our baby was a bad sleeper, which just made everything even harder. I wanted to breastfeed but couldn’t so tortured myself with guilt for weeks. All in all, it wasn’t the start I was hoping for and I felt such a terrible weight of regret for weeks. However, my boy is now 7.5 months and I could not love him more. He’s the light of my life. I look forward to seeing his face every morning and love our days together hanging out. There was never a lightbulb moment for me where I realised I loved him, it was a slow process of us getting to know each other. I think from about 4 months onwards I started to feel something for him and was probably totally in love by 6 months. I know that sounds like a long time for you, and you might feel better way before then, or maybe after. But it does pass and you’ll look back on this difficult time as just a brief moment in time at some point. You should never feel guilty about how you feel. Very few mums feel that rush of love from the outset. There’s 15 mums in our extended NCT group and I think only 1 felt that love from the start. Speak to your GP. I really couldn’t recommend the let’s talk service enough. You can register for that online and you get priority for being postnatal. There are people out there to help you through this difficult patch and you will come out the other side at some point and it’ll all be worth it. Until then, talk to ad many people as possible - I promise you’re not alone in how you feel xx

Hello so sorry for how you feel :-( just to say I didn't feel the rush and I've had complications following a vaginal delivery which mean my friends who had c section recovered far quicker and at 12 weeks I still can't get around. not at ALL to downplay your experience which sounds horrible an scarring but other things could have happened even if you hadn't had the awful experience you did. I think you could be suffering from PTSD? It would be totally understandable. I find it bizarre we are expected to manage a baby often on our own after going through what often ends up being a serious medical event or in your case major surgery. Frankly it's more surprising that anyone doesn't hav mental health "problems" Ask GP or health visitor for help for your mental health? Or Pandas have a helpline x