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Postnatal health

As with all health-related issues, please seek advice from a RL health professional if you're worried about anything.

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Original poster

When should I love my baby?

19 replies

pomadas87 · 21/12/2017 22:56

DD is nearly three weeks old and I don't feel anything towards her, I know this is wrong I am so ashamed. I don't resent her or anything, I just don't feel love towards her if that makes sense? I feel like I'm missing something normal, all the other new mums I know seem besotted with their babies.

When, if ever, will I love my child? I feel so abnormal.

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GinUnicorn · 21/12/2017 22:58

Hey. I think everyone is different and it will come. Was birth traumatic? Have you spoken to your health visitor or midwife as it could be pnd. It will come! We are all different and birth is a shock

Please speak to someone though - you have nothing to feel guilty about.

ILoveDolly · 21/12/2017 23:02

Not everyone feels that rush of love. Please speak to your HV honestly because it's hard to tell from one post here how you really are. Even if you aren't suffering a bit from PND and are fine, 'maternal love' like any emotion varies. As long as you are holding your baby enough and meeting their emotional and physical needs, its ok. Babies are not always easy to get to know, maybe your relationship just needs a bit of work, cuddles, calm time, some sleep for mummy????

Ceebs85 · 21/12/2017 23:05

Try not to analyse too much. I felt a rush of emotion but not necessarily love straight away. She was like a little alien being and I couldn't quite make the connection that she was mine.

The powerful love came weeks and weeks after she was born. Speak to your HV though. It's part of their job to look after you too and they will know better how to help you if you need it.

MountainVista · 21/12/2017 23:07

(hugs)

Shame can be such a strong emotion in the first few weeks, try to keep it in its place. You will start feel better and it will recede. But do share how you're feeling with someone IRL, your DP, friend or HV.

I remember not being sure if what I was feeling was right. DH made a passing comment about how I clearly loved DD and was bonded to her which TBH I clung to in bad moments.

I think that when they are tiny, love is often overlaid with terror!

We have just hit 18 weeks and while I am even more sleep deprived I just feel like a different woman, compared with the NB phase. I feel like my DD and I have a relationship now, rather than it being all one way. It will get easier 💐

Cakescakescakes · 21/12/2017 23:08

Took me 7-8 weeks first time and about 5-6 months second time. It’ll come eventually - don’t worry. This is SO common - people just don’t talk about it.

Rumpledfaceskin · 21/12/2017 23:09

I don’t think it’s abnormal it’s just not disscussed much when people do feel like this. I would be aware of pnd and if you have any concerns discuss with GP straight away.

EyeoftheStorm · 21/12/2017 23:10

I felt like this especially with my first two DC. It was such a shock that they were suddenly in the world. But I just told myself that everything I was feeling was normal given the enormity of the change and that love would come eventually. Until it did I just faked it - I did baby talk, I looked after them, I fulfilled all their needs as best I could. It took a few months, maybe more, and it was a growing bond, never a rush of love.

They are young teens now and our bond is really strong. That love just continued to grow.

Listen to yourself, be kind to yourself. You know if this is something that needs help. Don’t let what other people describe be your standard. Everyone feels things differently. Three weeks isn’t a long time.

leftwiththedognow · 21/12/2017 23:11

It can take time. I was so exhausted during and after ds2 that it probably took me about 3 months to have the moment when I was sat with him asleep one night.
Dont worry. Get sleep.

Orangeseed · 21/12/2017 23:13

Is she your first baby? I'm not sure how long it took for me to feel it, it developed over time, at first my overwhelming feelings were fear, inadequacy and confusion at what to do as a mum

amymel2016 · 21/12/2017 23:14

My little one is 6 months now and I'd say it wasn't until 4 months that I had that rush of love for him. Don't beat yourself up about it, it's very normal to not have that love straight away. Are you able to chat to your partner or friends about it? If not, how about a HV? Please don't feel ashamed, you're not alone. Sending you lots of love xx

flimflaminurjams · 21/12/2017 23:14

When the time is right, you just do.

Its a myth that all Mums are overcome with love from the first second. Just like how when you meet a partner, first you like them, fancy them and then love them but that takes time.

I'd say I felt it about 1 year in (probably had 5 hrs sleep that night lol). Now I feel so much love for DD it could make my chest explode. Please please don't worry.

overduemamma · 21/12/2017 23:20

I didn't straight away but mine normally hits me when I'm feeding late at night when I'm just staring at them. It's common so please don't worry x

theconstantinoplegardener · 21/12/2017 23:23

With DD1, I loved her from the moment she was placed in my arms.

With DD2, love took longer. I looked after her immediately, was concerned that all her needs were being met, but it was definitely more a feeling of responsibility towards her rather than love for the first six weeks or so.

I adore her now though.

slimyslitheryslug · 21/12/2017 23:29

It was a good six months for me. I didn't have PND, I just didn't really see what the fuss was about. My newborn seemed indistinguishable from all of the other newborns I was meeting in terms of character and, if I was at a baby group and popped to the loo or something leaving her with the other mum's, I'd repeat "by the window; elephant babygro" all the time I was gone as I was worried I'd return and pick up the the wrong baby. I remember looking at her when she was about three months old and just making a promise to myself that she would never realise how ambivalent I felt about her. And then it began to change. I'm not sure what changed it (it certainly wasn't sleep as her sleep actually got worse around 6mths) but change it did so that, at an NCT meet up when she was about 9mths old and a friend was talking about a minor risk she'd taken to protect her DS, I found myself thinking "I get it now" and realising I would run in front of a truck to save her. DD is now an amazing, unique 8yo girl who astounds me, amuses me and who is so a part of me that it amazes me and I find it hard to believe that I ever did anything other than adore her. Having said that, I think I am less besotted than their friends but then I have always been quite rational.
With DS (2.5yrs later) there was this instant recognition and connection as soon as he was born, one that has been sorely tested in the few days!

AGnu · 21/12/2017 23:35

DS1 must've been about 2y before I felt particularly attached to him. Before that it was like his existence & dependence on me was just a fact, one of those things that just is. I'd have walked through fire for him, but I didn't have that mushy, "my baby's the cutest ever" feeling.

With DS2 I felt a little more emotion towards him & DD is now 4wo & she's adorable & smells so good & is the best lickle squishy I think it just took 3 babies for me to figure out how to do this kind of love!

Different people react to things in different ways. Don't beat yourself up for not feeling what you think you ought to!

PandaPieForTea · 21/12/2017 23:54

I think that social media give the impression that everyone loves their baby from birth or earlier as you get lots of ‘I love my new baby’ posts. Obviously those that don’t immediately love their babies don’t put that on social media, so you just get a distorted impression.

I think that babies start to smile at 6 weeks because by then you’re fed up enough to chuck them out of a window. Once they start to smile you begin to see progress and they become more rewarding. I definitely loved mine by the time they were 6 months, probably quite a bit earlier.

Louiselouie0890 · 21/12/2017 23:57

It took a long time bad pregnancy PND etc. I loved him somewhere in me but I never felt it. It was going on 7/8 months possibly a year. However my second went very well and I loved from day 1.

Mummyontherun86 · 22/12/2017 00:06

I have two children. With my first I felt protective but no love and it probably took a full year. I faked it to him and looked after him well. I had a v v v traumatic birth and postnatal period. So bonding was tough. To be honest, it wasn’t until I forgave myself for not feeling love that I began to love him for real. Having a midwife got through my birth notes helped a lot. Personally, I was diagnosed with PTSD from the birth but I don’t think it’s uncommon in general.
The second time I had an elective c section and felt overwhelming love straight away. It can happen that way too.

Shame, guilt, fear you are damaging your child etc are so destructive. Try, if you can to give yourself a break. If the feels won’t go away, maybe gets some support.

PS I adore my eldest now. He is lovely. It will all work out okay.

Original poster

pomadas87 · 22/12/2017 00:41

Thank you. Good to know it's not always instant.

Ambivalent is a good way of describing how I'm feeling, as a pp said. I worry I don't care enough for her. I don't speak to her during the day at home, I just look after her as I know that's what I'm meant to be doing - I feed and change her but I don't talk at all. The HV said I should be chatting to her to aid development but I am so tired and it feels silly almost

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