I hate being a mum

[LadyScatterbrain]

I've hated it since the first day I had my DD.

It's just me, I'm not cut out for it. I'm a terrible person and honestly I should just go away from everybody. My DD is 14 months old now and I keep waiting for things to get better. She is really active and consumes every waking moment of my life, I have completely lost who I am. I used to have hobbies and interests, but now all I do is care for her, nothing else, and I've come to a point where I just resent her. I stood making a cup of tea this morning wishing I had never had her because I can't stand my life anymore.

DH and family say they'll look after her for a few hours whenever I want, but that's not enough, I need it to be more like 4 weeks! I don't like being with her, and it is so wrong because I should love her. She doesn't deserve this, she deserves a loving mum. My mum says she's very intelligent because of what she can do, and she has very good fine motor skills for her age. She copies things that she sees people doing, but hasn't got any language yet except for "bye bye". She 'talks' a lot in her own little babble language though.

I want to take her to toddler groups but I'm afraid to because she's so active and she's too rough with other children. She would never sit quietly, I can't look at a book with her because she just won't sit still long enough. She does have naps during the day, but I find myself praying that she'll stay asleep for as long as possible. At night she generally sleeps ok but sometimes wakes up and just wants her dummy or someone to just go in and reassure her. I used to do this without a problem but now if I hear her on the monitor in the night I lie there for a minute thinking for fucks sake!

I'm sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. I just feel so fed up and alone. Not sure what I want really, I guess just writing it down helps.

Hugs, you’re not alone. Please see your GP. It sounds like you could be depressed. I had delayed post natal depression and once I got treatment I got me back. It was life changing. Please do this for yourself.

I absolutely hated having young children too - I was consumed with worry all the time and suffered anxiety. I didn't dislike my children as such I loved them (still do!) but hated having young kids for similar reasons to you, having totally dependent little people - mine are 9&5 now and it's so much easier once they become communicative and more independent

Speak to your GP if you feel it may help you to get some help or counselling

I have two dc who I love to bits but I know totally what you mean. 'Me' has gone

She will start to get easier though, its early days - 14 months is still very very young

At night - I stopped reassuring around that age to let them self settle

I felt like you do, after I had dd1. I had 16 months of regret and I was just so bored and down. For me, going back to work was my saviour. Dd2 thrived at nursery 2 days a week and with my mum a day or 2, and i got back to adult conversation and used my brain again and actually felt alive again. Being a mum at home just wasn't fulfilling me for me sadly, I love my children dearly but I'm just not cut out to be at home all the time with children being the focus. I've gone on to have a 2nd dc and this time I'm running my own business so didn't really have any time off and feel a lot better as a parent because of it. I appreciate the children a lot more when I am away for a little bit every day. Maybe it could work for you?

This sounds like more than struggling with the loss of identity - you say you wish you didn’t have your dd?

OP, I would speak to your hv or GP about how you are finding things. Really spell out what you’ve said here. Maybe even write it down and hand the note over. The bit which strikes me is that your dd sounds like a normal toddler, but you just don’t want her and wish she wasn’t born? And you say you should love her - which implies that you don’t think you do?

Sorry you feel this way. A lot of mums can relate to how you feel.

DD2 has been hard work from birth, very active, clingy, hated her buggy/car seat/high chair, would only sleep on me..... I sometimes wondered what I had done. Life with just DD1 was so easy.

Honestly since 19 months DD2 has started to get gradually easier. She will be 2 in January. She plays on her own for short periods, speaks in full sentences to tell me what she wants, is happy to sit in her buggy and not be held all the time etc. She’s turning into a little girl, rather than a whingy, frustrated baby. She is just becoming more settled and I’m starting to get more time to myself. I genuinely enjoy being a parent now. I 100% didn’t enjoy it this time last year.

Try taking her to baby groups. It breaks the day up and she will probably love running about with other kids. It will tire her out and then you can chill when she naps. I work in a crèche and honestly, don’t be worried about her being rough. She is still a baby and doesn’t know what she’s doing.

Some people enjoy the full-on dependency of babies. But I and many others do not. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We are all better at different stages of parenting. I much prefer older toddlers and children. For me the first 18 months are pretty shit.

Also just a thought, can you go back to work? I work 5 mornings a week, it gives me a bit of time to be ‘me’ again and not just a mum.

Up until 19-20 months I used to count the hours until bedtime, wishing away the days until DD2 was older and more independent. There is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel. Now DD2 strokes my face and says ‘Kind to mummy awww’ and I just love her with all my heart, and I actually LIKE her too. As your DD gets older you will get something back from her, rather than just give give give all the time.

Sorry hit post too soon. If you think you might be depressed then definitely speak to a professional.

If you think you just find this age hard, then do what you can to make life easy for yourself. Accept all offers of help and don’t be hard on yourself.

I promise you it won’t be like this forever.

Can you go back to work? It’s hard looking after small children constantly. Why have you given up your hobbies?

Hi there,

Speak to your GP there is help
out there. Sounds like PND

Get yourself sorted then you can think about taking your dd to groups etc

Messybun247 thank you that is really helpful. I am looking into going back to work. I worked through an agency before so I'll do that again only taking part time office work. I've just got to battle through.

I do love her, I would never let any harm come to her, she does make me smile sometimes. I need to try harder with her, to be more patient and loving.

I've given up my hobbies because I don't have any time for them any more.

Thanks for your replies though.

Is your dh pulling his weight? You mention him offering to look after her for a few hours as if he thinks he's a babysitter. If he's working ridiculous hours could you spare some money for her to do some time in nursery once or twice a week so you can get a bit of time back for you? Being a mum is bloody hard, doing it alone with no time for yourself is impossible to enjoy.

What were your hobbies?

When my dcs were young I was just too tired and the idea of time for me felt ludicrous.

But I started running again at the weekend. 20 mins run and it was great. Really helped.