I'm not okay

[MagicFajita]

My baby is 6 weeks old. I love him very much but in the last few days I've become tearful, angry and have little appetite.

The back story here is that last year my partner and I lost a baby at week 21 of pregnancy to a fatal disability. I was back at work four weeks later and putting on a happy face.

We tried again quickly and just over a year later we have a lovely baby boy.

Pregnancy was stressful , the monitoring, the anxiety. Labour was incredibly distressing as I had an induction (overdue) at a birth centre and progressed scarily quickly and was stuck laying on the bed so couldn't move around to manage my pain. I asked for an epidural and by the time I was examined and it was too late as I was 7cm and crying through distress.

I feel guilty typing this as I am so grateful to have my beautiful boy but I honestly feel traumatised by the last 2 years of my life and as a result I now cry when it's just me and the baby at home.

I don't know what to do.

Have you confided in anyone about how you feel? partner, friend?

I went through a traumatic pregnancy and labour and I was then (medically) ill post birth for a good 6 months or so. I cried a lot but I wasn't depressed - very emotional and as you say I felt traumatised about what happened.

Please tell someone, it's important to rule out postnatal depression, which can be easily treated. Counselling is available. Time is a great healer.

Aw, that sounds so hard. Please get as much support as you can - be very honest with the people in your life and seek some therapy/counselling.

If you go to your GP they will fast track some counselling for PND. I had that and also went to a PND support group.

for you. Your feelings are completely normal.

My partner knows I'm not myself and that I am extremely angry as I've directed a lot of it at him , I've been downplaying it when i talk to him though.

I’m not surprised you feel this way after such a difficult time, I had a very difficult pregnancy and traumatic birth and I really felt the effects emotionally for a few month after my DD was born. At one stage I wondered if I had PTSD.
Please talk to someone about you feel and think about going to see the GP or your health visitor

Wrt seeing my gp, I'm worried about that as I don't want to be offered antidepressants.

I just feel like such a horrible person too. My partner has a work Xmas lunch today (part of his shift , cover has been organised so all staff can attend) and I ripped into him about going to "work" today and getting paid to eat and drink while I'm at home.

Don’t worry about the antidepressants, I as offered them but didn’t take them. Lots of people get a huge benefit from them, of course, but it’s up to you.

Be open and honest with your partner, so he can help you. Pouring out your heart, and feeling heard, may make you feel less angry at him.

I've told him , via text anyway while I was feeling brave. I will talk to him properly later.

Thinking about it I guess I felt pressure to be perfect. My partner is a first time dad , I have two from a previous relation that live with us. Everyone asked him how he was adjusting and expected me to be calm and knowledgeable at all times without checking if I was okay. I felt this from both family (mine and his) and health professionals.

Also I threw myself into doing the school run for my daughter far too soon in hindsight. It's a long old journey on public transport so doing that with a baby after being up 4 times in the night is too much for me. I might ask a relative to help until the Christmas holidays.

Thank you for all of your replies. You've really helped.

Well done for texting him and it's great you'll discuss it more tonight. The truth will set you free, after all.

Seek help wherever you can and gather together as much support as you need - you've been through a lot and you deserve it.

I'm sorry to post so late however I couldn't help but relate so much to what you are going through.

My partner and I had a traumatic loss in 2015 and I very nearly died. I never dealt with this tragic event and until the birth of my son in June, in thought I was ok about it. Having so much down time with a newborn, I finally admitted I was not ok. On top of my loss, I was really struggling to adjust to becoming a Mum and my whole entire life changing. I took a lot out on my partner and myself until I went to see my GP.

My GP said she didn't think I needed antidepressants instead she wanted me to talk about everything and made me an appointment with a counsellor. The counsellor was amazing and signed me up to a programme called Lift Therapy. I'm not sure if this is in your area however it is NHS run so may well be. Lift run many courses to help deal with everything from stress and mood management to bereavement to CALM. I've just finished the bereavement and well being after birth courses and highly recommend them.

It's important to know you're not alone and everything you think and feel is happening to others. Talking helps and being honest helps. If you do need to talk more about Lift, I am happy to advise as best I can :)