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Postnatal health

Partner has PnD and homesick

15 replies

Newdaddy3 · 19/09/2017 20:01

Hi

I am a new dad of 7 months with a beautiful daughter. My partner and I love on the U.K., although my partner is an EU citizen. She moved to the U.K. Prior to us meeting for work.

She has struggled through the first 7 months, missing her family. I understand this and so we have always never left it more than 4 weeks to go visit. Her mum has also visited us several times through the 7 months in the uk She has been having dizzy spells so I got some special leave from work so she could return to her homeland to see her doctor. She has now been diagnosed with PND and also a vertigo like condition. She has told me today that she wants to now stay in her homeland to recover with our daughter with no timeframe on returning to the uk and her mum will look after her. I am disappointed as I world from home so give her support every day. I also suggested her mum come and stay in the uk with us until she feels better to cope.

She assured me she still sees her life on the uk but at this time I feel confused as to why she would not want to come to our home.

I understand her condition and have been supportive and have always said to her that if it becomes too much we can look into moving back to her homeland but she needs to allow us to plan as I do not speak the language yet.

I will not stop her doing what she wishes as I wanted her to recover but am finding hard the thought that I'll be away from them both missing so much changes in my daughter, as well as the women I love. It's even harder as I will be unable to visit as I've used all my holidays from work and not sure they will allow me more special leave as they have been great so far helping me through the 7 months.

I suppose I'm looking to see if anyone else has experienced this and how they coped.

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Newdaddy3 · 19/09/2017 22:38

To add, I am also a full on Dad. I get involved and help with everything, even helping when working. I’m not sure I could do anymore and have been fully supportive with her condition.

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nappyrat · 19/09/2017 22:49

Tricky...not surprised she wants to be with her mum, but tough on you...is it close enough to visit every weekend (you go there)?

Or could you consider moving there longer term & work there?

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Newdaddy3 · 19/09/2017 23:04

Not really. 8-10 hours door to door each way, so not possible and too expensive as have to fly.

She’s says she plans to go back to work in the uk in January, so I need to stay in my job. I’ve said I’d consider moving but we’d need to plan as it’s be a massive change in lifestyle as earning would be less, which she is not keen on. To add to that, my parents were due to visit us in her Homeland next week. She says she due to want to see them, and doesn’t want me to take our daughter out without her as it will make her anxiety worse. I’m think that is unreasonable but I don’t want to make things worse. This has been a constant thing where she will not let me go out on my own with her as she worries what will happen.

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nappyrat · 20/09/2017 07:14

I really really feel for you but I remember being terribly anxious when anyone (my mum, husband) wanted to take my daughter away from me when she was little. I also had deep deep anxieties about a neighbour I thought might hurt her, which I now realise was crazy!

I didn't even have PND! Although looking back now in retrospect, I realise I was a little crazy.

All I can say is that something - & I still have no idea what - happened to me after having my baby which did warp my view of things.

I just needed love and care and patience. Something my husband was unable to do. I don't blame him, I was incredibly difficult to live with I think. It was quite scary for me. I felt like no one in the world understood me or what I was going through. And then because I didn't trust anyone else, I had essentially sole care of pure daughter 24/7.

We split up. :(

I know my experience makes me biased & therefore possibly not the best person to advise you, but I would say you sound like you are doing incredibly well & being very supportive. This must be extremely difficult but just love and support your wife.

It is going to be very hard but she will get better - at least she has been diagnosed so can be helped. It won't be forever.

You sound lovely. Please just love her & support her if you can.

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Newdaddy3 · 20/09/2017 09:30

I upset her yesterday as didn’t react well to her saying she was going to stay without me. She’s been told the vertigo side of he condition can take three months so instantly assumed the worse. I was hoping that her mum would come and stay with us on the uk as she was taking time off work. What does worry me is that the longer she stays away from the uk the harder it will be to come home. Im doing everything for both of my two girls but she feels I am only doing for my daughter which is not true and now looks at me with what seems like hatred. I don’t want sympathy’s either, but it’s tough when you see the women you love treat you like this and then feels like she doesn’t want to be around me at her worst, even with all the support I give her and my daughter.

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nappyrat · 20/09/2017 20:43

Three months is not forever. I know it must seem like it.

It is really positive that your wife plans to return to work - at least there is that in sight even if it's further away than you'd like.

I don't know but maybe your wife just needs all stress removed & support to get better over the next few months...

Maybe gently talk to her and tell her you will miss her (& your daughter) very much but you realise she wants to go, and could she plan to come back to see you from time to time - perhaps with her mum.

  • buy her a piece of jewellery & some flowers and tell her how much you love her
  • send her cards whilst she is away
  • ask her specifically what you can do to help her
  • tell her you love her again


I know this is really one-sided and may seem like you have to compromise a lot, but I'm trying to present how I think you could make the best of this for your wife based on my own experience. I really wish my husband had done these things.
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Newdaddy3 · 21/09/2017 09:31

One final thing in relation to this. My parents had a visit planned to see us in her homeland for my birthday next week for 4 day. They live between U.K. and Spain so do not see us much. My partner has said she doesn’t want to see them. I think it’s unfair that they don’t get to spend any time with me or their granddaughter when we have been staying with her parents for 2.5 weeks and have spent every day with them and have so far spent 10 weeks with them this year on holidays staying with them. I understand that she can’t go out but I should be able to take my daughter out and see my parents. I’m really fair that both sets of grandparents should be involved and I feel bad that my partners condition is enhancing one sets relationship whilst impacting on the other. Should I push and say I am here for you but I want to share time with my family too as they are missing out, but understanding that she doesn’t want to be involved.

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Newdaddy3 · 21/09/2017 09:39

I would add that there is no reason for my partner to not like my parents. They are not full on and give her space. I feel in the middle as my parents want to see me but I don’t want my partners anxieties to get worse. I understand that she does not wish to see people but however while she is at home with her family I am taking our daughter out on her own so what would be wrong if my parents were sharing this time with me and her. I’m alone anyway.

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Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 21/09/2017 10:10

I don't know much about pnd but know plenty about being anxious about baby being away from me as have 3 little girls, when one of my little girls were born me & her father had separated & I knew I had to give him his own time with her, I breast feed too so give it 6 weeks of him bring able to come to ours whenever hrle wanted & then expressed milk for her so he could have his own time with her twice a week for a few hours, I hated it being away from her could hear her crying in my mind & would end up in tears but knew it was the right thing to do given the sitution, & I'm really pleased I did it looking back, she's his daughter too & he needed that time with her just them too without the ex in the room too, everything in her right now will be feeling anxious but if she's a reasonable person deep down she should know it all sounds selfish, she doesn't want to see them but won't let you take baby to see them, yes shes suffering with pnd & oc you want to be OK but really isn't fair everybody else has to suffer for it course you all have to be supportive & listen to her but really, why can't she go rest for a couple of hours while your parents visit little one, surly she has to compromise somewhere too sounds very much like you have to give up a lot with your little one as it is x

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Newdaddy3 · 21/09/2017 11:05

I’ve asked again and she exploded saying she is ill and they have enough time to see her in the U.K and I am treating this as if we are separated so thinks it best to leave it. She said I can take her out but she wanted her back to feed etc without them.

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Newdaddy3 · 21/09/2017 11:10

I think I just have to bide my time. I already have the thought that’s I have to go back to the U.K. and not know when I will see her again. It feels like she is trying to push me away and testing me and keep saying I need to show that I love her and I don’t understand her condition. My gut instinct is to give her space and go back to the U.K. but then I miss time with my daughter especially not knowing when she plan on coming back. It’s awful seeing the women you life like this and become a different person to the person she was before. I feel like she blames me for having a baby and changing her life from the life we had before.

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Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 21/09/2017 17:42

It must be a horrible position to be in op & I feel for you & your wife & everyone involved in the situation, I can understand why she wants her mum around & thinks her home country where she was raised feels a better place to be but shutting herself & baby off from some family doesn't sound a good way to go to me, espes when they are visiting & by sound of it wouldn't be seeing they grandchild for a good few months while her & baby stay there but I suppose if she's comfortable enough with you taking baby out then at least baby gets to spend some time with grandparents & oc we can't understand pnd as we don't suffer with it, all you can do is support her, reassure her, build her up & be there for her & be patient as another pp said a good thing to ask is what you can do for her & what does she expect of you & oc lastly learn as much about the condition as you can, im quite sure from when I studied pnd a lot of partners feel as you are feeling & its real tough on the partners too but right now her moods are everywhere & she probably does nt know herself how she feels just low & anxious & worried etc all mixed in to one cocktail x

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nappyrat · 21/09/2017 20:35

It's very tough on you, OP.
It's unfair, awful, difficult. Your parents aren't getting to see your daughter etc.

But I would agree with another poster that PND is a very serious thing. Your wife is not I her normal state of mind.

In my experience, you need to just show love love love. Your wife will recover & if you can just love her & support her I think your relationship will be stronger than ever afterwards. BUT it's tough to get through to that point.

I think - I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh - that you need to radically change your mindset. I would be grateful that your wife is able to care for your daughter, that she has sought help, that she has her mum to help, that she envisages going back to work. Also that she does accept - even grudgingly - that you will take your daughter out with your parents. I know that this is not how you envisaged parenthood and I'm sad for you, but this is happening & you are doing well, but just need to love & be patient!

I would encourage your parents to proceed with their visit, stay elsewhere nearby and give your wife lots of space. You could take your daughter out with them for a few hours each day, but not too long to avoid stressing your wife.

And encourage your parents to show kindness and love to your wife too. Flowers, card, given via you maybe if she's not up to seeing them. Little Presents for your daughter. Just lots of kindness and care and patience from them too. No criticisms or even advice or suggestions, no talk of her illness, just love.

Wrote your wife a love letter tonight. Tell her you miss her & your daughter & you love th both do much.

Smile

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Newdaddy3 · 23/09/2017 15:37

Thanks for the advice. I will give her space and just love her. I cancelled parents as she could not understand why they would come and I did not want to further stress her. She has since taken Prozac for 3 days but had a reaction in the night so has decided, on her doctors advice to stop as she does not need it. I’m slightly confused as thought these things took time to work and this was one of the side effects you need to suffer. I’ve said about her having some therapy if she doesn’t want to use drugs to help with the anxiety but she shouted my down and said I wasn’t being helpful and did I really love her or just worried about our daughter.

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nappyrat · 23/09/2017 23:57

Thinking of you. You sound like a really good guy, trying to do his best. Hang on in there.

Sorry you are going through this.

However I do have a good feeling, I think you have the empathy to get you both through this.

Stay strong & update us...

I'd be tempted to consider showing her this thread, but obviously you'll know best if that'd be helpful.

Write her that love letter.Smile

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