A letter to my partner (I'm struggling)

[PeppersTheCat]

An unsent letter to my partner... Thoughts appreciated.

I am just existing.

I have lost everything that made me a worthwhile person - everything. My friends (can't go to cinema, evening groups or meetups), my body (which once was lean and strong), and my career progression (I do nothing of any productive value - day in, day out). Consequently, I've lost my personality. I no longer have any sense of self. I don't know who I am anymore or what is the point of me.

I am now no better than a handmaiden - the lowest common denominator in society. A pair of leaking tits attached to a sweaty sack of sagging flesh.

I am no longer an interesting, attractive or worthwhile person. I am now no better than a parasite or leach. Every day is as mundane and isolating as the next. I'm not moving forward, advancing, progressing, contributing. And I look like shite. The reflection in the mirror is depressing and getting dressed seems pointless. No matter what new products I try, hair styles experimented with, or dresses bought, nothing masks the assault that pregnancy and childbirth has inflicted on my body. And make no mistake - that's why I do those things: to try and make myself feel better. I genuinely feel disfigured. (And my genitals probably are!)

When we met, we were well-matched. We were both equal in looks, intelligence, and prospects. Now I have diminished in all of those areas, to the point where we are miss-matched. I have reduced in value so that you are now above me, better than me. The processes of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding has particularly bashed me in the 'looks' and 'career' department, whereas those areas of your life remain untouched. I can no longer partake in stimulating conversation, I have nothing interesting to say about my day and nothing to share about projects I am working on.

Here's the crux of it - you can now do better than me. You know it, and I know it. A year ago it looked like you had 'upgraded' from your ex. Now it looks like you've downgraded. And that must be embarrassing for you. It certainly is for me.

I thought these feelings would pass, but they haven't.

I had a baby 4 months ago and I have had similar thoughts to you. I know my husband doesn't see me the way I see myself but it doesn't stop me thinking it.

I've tried to pick up some new hobbies and return to some old ones to give myself some more things to talk about. E.g. I did a literature degree so I'm trying to read one poem a day and thinking critically about it. I've also taken on the garden as a project - my husband hates gardening so I feel like I am adding value and there's lots of things to look into. And I've started making bread.

The body thing I think will change with time. I was lucky enough to lose my baby weight quickly but I've still gone up a dress size because I've gained 4 inches on my hips.

Hope you feel better soon

Thanks for replying.

I feel my partner should find someone better :( We are no longer well-matched. He should find someone on his level career and looks-wise, and I should bat lower.

I don't know what to do. When we go out in public I wonder if people look at him and wonder what he's doing with me. It's embarrassing.

Have you sought help from your GP OP?

Reading your post made me really sad :( I know you can't help how you feel, but your body has done an amazing thing. Why on earth would your partner want to be with anyone else when you're an amazing super woman who's created this little life?

@Peppers
I can't imagine how it feels, and don't know you or your OH, but most men do NOT see their pregnant partners that way. I've talked to several dad's who felt guilt at "putting their partners through pregnancy".

Your confidence sounds extremely low, and you should send him (?) that letter so he understands your thoughts. You sound depressed, and there are people and drugs and services that can help you - seek them out.

I think I'll just tell him to his face.

Are you suffering from postnatal depression? It sounds very negative and I think you should look for help. How old is your baby? How long have you been feeling like that?

You will get yourself back; it won't last forever but it seems like you need some therapy. Have you checked with your GP that you are not lacking any vitamins e.g. Vitamin D? You sound very down.

Hi OP.

Reading your post made me sad but I know why you feel that way.
I have been struggling with PND since the birth of my son in January but I am starting to come through it now thanks to getting help.

My HV arranged counselling for me after much resistance from my side as didn't feel worth it and felt like I was a burden.

It's taken me months to accept help and I'm so glad that I have as I am starting to feel better.

I understand the thoughts you are having but please, please understand that you can come through this.

I definitely hope that you can talk to someone whether it be family or your GP.

Sending you lots of love. X

I bottled it and sent the email.

Thanks for your kind words, but I can't speak to a professional. Don't want it on my record.

It won't be on your record. I managed to cure pnd with my first with help from my HV and my partner. I found being open and honest was the best approach.

You sound like you have a bit of PND. I'd recommend the GP and telling them how you feel.

Women have amazing bodies, you grew a child inside you and brought them into the world. Regardless of how you look your DP should look at you in even more of an amazing way because of what you have done.

Don't beat yourself up OP, you're beautiful and every stretch mark, wobbly bit, dark circles under eyes etc are unique to you and they're special because they're a result of the baby you brought into this world!

As much as it doesn't seem like it, this horrible feeling will pass. It's gets better I promise. Take it from someone who's been in you're exact shoes

How are you OP?

I hope you're ok. It's not clear how long it's been since you gave birth - but you refer to your appearance a year ago in your OP, so I'm guessing that you got pregnant a year ago?

I just wanted to say that 'this too shall pass'. You're in the trenches with a newborn right now. Pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding are such an invasion of your body, but time will pass and you'll recover. You'll get back into exercise. Your baby will grow up, giving you more free time for yourself and your friends and your development. You'll go back to work eventually and you'll progress with your career.

Don't think that the moment you're in right now represents your whole future.