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Postnatal health

Dreading husband going back to work

28 replies

Jodie567 · 09/08/2017 23:10

Hi ladiesSmile
I don't know if this is in the right place but I just need to hear some opinions if you don't mind. I gave birth to my first beautiful daughter 12 days ago and my husband and was amazing at the birth and has been brilliant with her. He has 3 weeks off work so is due back next week, and I have found myself worried sick. I don't know if this is normal but I have even found myself working out if we can afford for him to go back part time as I fear I can not cope without him. I have joked with him about going part time and obviously he would love that as he could spend more time with our daughter, but right now I feel although I will fall apart with out him. My family are very close and are great but I don't not feel it is right for them to be too involved as it should be me or her dad.

Am I over reacting? Is this the start of baby blues? Is this normal?
Sorry for the long winded post but I did not know where else to go to, I'm hoping some ladies will have felt the same and have some advise?

Thanks ladies Smile

OP posts:
Buddy14 · 09/08/2017 23:16

Congrats on your baby!

This is a relatively normal fear, but it should subside after a few days with him being away as you will see that you can do it! It is scary the responsibility , but this present fear is an indicator in how well you will do if that makes sense.

Hold off on visitors for a few weeks (unless your direct family are over and you and have a bath) . I found visitors really stressful and the worst bit.

Talk to your family about it and the night before he goes to work is quite hard as it's easy to build up anxiety.

Just take it easy, take the pressure off yourself, stay in your pjs, just feed and cuddle your baby and take a little time on yourself when you can.

Your confidence as a mother grows when you have these challenges and can manage as it feels good. In a way you need these hard parts to grow in confidence. Good luck x

Justmuddlingalong · 09/08/2017 23:17

I remember that feeling so well. Flowers I've got 3 DSs and I only had it with the 1st. It's like the thought of being totally in charge is overwhelming. You can do it. Everything's so new and different that you don't think you'll cope. You will. And congratulations on your baby daughter.

INeedNewShoes · 09/08/2017 23:28

You'll find the days go quite quickly on your own with baby and in no time at all your husband will walk through the door and you won't be able to recount what you've done with your day as it just passes with feeding baby, winding baby, doing the washing, feeding yourself etc.

I understand the fear. Slightly different as I'm single but had my parents staying with me from the week before baby was born until she was 4 weeks old. I cried on that first evening on my own wondering how on earth I was going to cope but I absolutely have coped. I do look forward to my parents next coming to stay though as it is tiring being on my own.

Occasionally a good friend of mine has come and spent the day here and made lunch for me, hung out the washing etc which has really helped. Have you got anyone who might do similar maybe once a week?

You will be fine Smile

Jodie567 · 10/08/2017 01:31

Thank you for you replies it's reassuring to know this is a fairly normal feelingSmile I have tried talking to my husband and family about the fear I seem to have but they just shake it off as I've looked after my nephew 3 days and nights a week since his was a few weeks old, they think because of that I am confident but it feels so different with my own, as silly as that sounds.
I feel like they aren't listening or taking me seriously when I'm asking for help and abit of moral support perhaps that's a lot of the problem aswell.
Thanks for letting me rant off ladies and I'm hoping to try and keep busy while he is at work but I'm just petrified of the first morning he leaves.
Oh wow!! I take my hat of to you doing it alone how brave! I don't think I could do it without my husband, maybe I don't realise how lucky I am and just need to get on with it.
It's good that your parents help but that must be very difficult for you still.
Thanks for the reply again Grin

OP posts:
Intotheforest · 10/08/2017 12:30

It is totally normal and I felt exactly the same. I gave myself huge anxiety about him going back to work and I didn't know how I was going to cope. I was also super teary and would cry at the slightest thing. Every emotion was amplified and I found it a tough time. My DH had 2 weeks off and actually him going back was not at all as bad as I'd thought. I just used lots of support from my Mum and found my own little routine. It's a big period of change so don't be hard on yourself and try not to worry. It will all be fine x

Jodie567 · 10/08/2017 21:03

Glad to know it isn't just me!
But I have found since thinking about my husband going back to work I have become distant from my daughter and husband. I hardly feed her I change her and hand her to my husband to feed her, he comforts her and he talks away to her. I find if I'm in the room on my own with her and she crys I cuddle her and talk to her but find myself hoping my husband will walk in the room to take her. I'm worried that this has triggered baby blues or something similar. Anyone else experience this? I find myself thinking it might all fall into place when my husbands goes back to work but then I fear it will get ten times worse.

Thanks ladies Smile

OP posts:
INeedNewShoes · 10/08/2017 23:08

Remember you're sleep deprived, recovering from birth and your hormones are all over the place.

When my parents were here I my mum did a lot of settling baby and there are days when I wish I could hand baby over to my mum for an hour so I could have a snooze or a shower or whatever. I think it's to be expected that while he is there you are making full use of your husband, it doesn't mean you won't look after baby well once he's back at work.

rollonthesummer · 10/08/2017 23:12

I think the thought of something is often much worse than the reality-you'll be just fine when he goes back to work!

Are you planning to return to work?

kingfishergreen · 10/08/2017 23:26

I felt exactly the same, in fact after DH's first day back I begged him not to go in the next day (he worked from the following day, which helped a lot).

Very soon after that DD and I got into our own routine, it took only a few days, and then it suddenly became so much easier.

There was a brief period a few weeks that I almost resented DH being home at the weekends as it messed up the lovely little routine that I had with DD (that mild resentment also passed really quickly).

I see early parenting as a complex project management task: you have deliverables (wash baby, feed baby, take baby somewhere, keep baby comfortable, keep baby engaged, keep self clean and fed). Once you've got those 'deliverables' locked-down you can start to relax and enjoy it a bit (usually about the same time as DC starts smiling).

It's natural to feel a bit disconnected, people talk about the baby blues hitting on day four, for me day ten was the worst (so day 13 is not too far off that).

I was suddenly overwhelmed with the thought that I'd ruined our lives, that I was irreparably changed, that it was permanent and terrible. That passed too.

If you feel like that for longer than a week or so, speak to your doctor (PND is not unusual and nothing to be ashamed of).

But give yourself a break, your whole world has changed, you're probably not sleeping v well, you've got a million new worries, your body is (temporarily) dilapidated and you've got more hormones rushing around than a teenage boy. You're bound to feel a bit rudderless.

Congratulations!! And good luck!

FartnissEverbeans · 10/08/2017 23:44

DH had to return to work after three days and I live abroad with no family in the country.

I have a photo of myself and DS on the first day DH went back to work, which I sent to him as a way of showing that I was fine. Now when I look at that photo I just think I look a bit manic and completely terrified!

If I can do it so can you. The first day is hard but baby will keep you busy. Once you get your confidence it's quite nice to have the baby to yourself all day, and you really do become an expert (eventually!) on your baby's cues and needs.

It's a lovely time, honestly. Enjoy it x

Jodie567 · 11/08/2017 00:08

Thanks for the replies!
It's nice to hear there might be a good outcome even though I'm feeling like this is the worst thing in the world!
I think your all probably right it's just me adding pressure to myself and hopefully we will find it easier that why I thinkSmile
I think I fill myself with guilt because I should embrace every moment with her instead I'm dreading it! What an awful thing to say as a new mum!!
I'm sure I'll find my way once normality returns!
Thanks for the hope ladies

OP posts:
Orangebird69 · 11/08/2017 00:13

Dh went back to work 10 days after ds was born - in another continent and is still there now. I was worried but it's ok! Relentless but nothing major has gone wrong. Ds is now 22mo, loud and clear Smile. You'll settle into your own rhythm/routine. Flowers

HVB79 · 11/08/2017 00:18

Congratulations on your baby. I think it's totally normal to feel apprehensive about the end of paternity leave (that's not to say that you shouldn't talk to someone if you think you can't cope when you get there). I found setting myself an achievable-ish goal for the day (e.g. Having a shower!/going out for a walk/having a meal) was a good way to get through the first few days by myself... Mumsnet is a great support too.

Jodie567 · 11/08/2017 10:03

Defiantly! Being able to discuss things with people that understand and do not judge is a great relief!Grin
New day today and I've asked my husband to go to the gym for a couple of hours so I am alone with our daughter, I feel introducing being alone gradually might not come as much of a shock that way!
Wish me luck ladies
Enjoy your days

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fannyanddick · 11/08/2017 22:51

It might help to make sure you have an outing every day. Do you have friends with babies/a children's centre/baby massage etc. The day will fly with an activity it there and you can share your worries with other new mums. If it makes you feel better, it was a bit of a relief when my dh went back to work-a different set of worries! Everyone has some I guess.

Jodie567 · 13/08/2017 01:43

I've been looking into baby classes but they seem to be for 6months plus so I'll have to keep searching, I'm sure il find something. I am slowly getting more used to the idea of him going back to work, but now he is having a wobble as he doesn't want to go back and leave us. So with my worries of him going and him worried about going we aren't the best pair haha. Oh just hoping it will sort itself out but he has been looking at part time jobs so I'm not sure what'll happen now Confused thanks for the support though ladies! Mumsnet helps so much when your feeling abit lost

OP posts:
INeedNewShoes · 13/08/2017 03:47

Baby massage classes would be for under 6 months and would then give you something to do with baby to pass the day, and most babies love it!

And it's likely that your local health trust run postnatal classes which would definitely be for under 6 months.

And you might meet other mums at either of these classes and then you could meet up with them if you want to.

ButterflyFree · 13/08/2017 04:50

Congratulations on your baby OP :)

As previous posters have said, what you are feeling is totally normal and understandable. My baby is 4 weeks old and DH was such an amazing support during the birth and for the first 6 days of baby's life, after which he had to return to work in a different country. I was absolutely in bits at the thought of him being away, and was very teary all the time. I also didn't feel I'd fully emotionally connected with our baby boy yet and I really worried about how I would cope for 25 days on my own with him. I started panicking in my head about the thought of possibly developing PND.

The first few days after DH left were really, really hard. I cried a lot, barely slept at all, and I just did the basics of feeding - changing - putting baby to sleep, in a seemingly endless cycle. I didn't want to go out or have visitors. The only person I wanted around was my DH.

But baby and I soon turned a corner. Things became easier (or perhaps I just got better at doing them), my confidence grew, I started going out for daily walks and trips to coffee shops with baby, and the time really has passed fast. I finally experienced the 'rush of love' people talk about having towards their newborn, just a few nights ago. And after thinking that 25 days apart would feel like never-ending separation, we are now less than 36 hours away from being reunited with DH. We made it! If I can survive that, I promise you you'll get through this.

The first few days of your DH going back to work will of course be the hardest for you, but you'll amaze yourself at how quickly you are able to adjust to it, and over the coming days and weeks you will find that you go from feeling like you are just able to survive the days, to genuinely enjoying the time alone with your baby.

Good luck OP and as others have said, if you really do find you are constantly struggling with the emotion of it all for more than a week, don't be afraid to seek help. Having a baby is an overwhelming experience and there is plenty of support available out there to help you navigate these difficult early days 💐

MotherofKitties · 13/08/2017 20:14

My baby is 9 days old and I'm very teary and scared about my DH going back to work at the end of next week. I don't know how I'm going to cope as we have no family close by and I feel really emotional and scares by it all. On top of that I'm struggling to sit down or sleep due to the stitches and pain from down below (not infected, had mw check) and generally feeling quite overwhelmed.

Hearing that you ladies are going through/have gone through the same thing makes me feel a bit better; I'm terrified it's the start of PND but I hope/think it's lack of sleep and hormones running wild.

I just hope I cope and start to feel a bit more able Sad

FartnissEverbeans · 13/08/2017 21:43

MotherofKitties Flowers You poor thing. It's so tough at first but I promise it will very quickly feel completely normal. I was terrified of DH going back to work but we survived and if I can do it, you can do it Smile

Jodie567 · 13/08/2017 23:30

Hi ladies!
Wednesday is fast approaching for me as that's when hubby returns to work!! I am feeling worried and emotional at the thought I seemed to have gone back down hill after a couple of days of feeling slightly more confident I have suddenly come over feeling very scared and overwhelmed at the thought of being alone with our daughter. I know I will have to just get on with it and find my way but it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment.
It's great to talk ladies 😊
Thank you

OP posts:
HVB79 · 14/08/2017 22:53

Honestly the thought of being by yourself with the baby is much worse than the reality! Agree the idea of baby massage class is a good one, nice way to meet people and sometimes helps to have a regular commitment. Getting out to a local cafe or park might be something to aim for but if you end up spending the first day in your pyjamas and not leaving home there's nothing wrong with that either. Hope it goes well!


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HVB79 · 16/08/2017 22:59

Hope it went ok today! First day is definitely the hardest...

Jodie567 · 16/08/2017 23:15

Day one down! And I've made it Grin
I had a couple of friends over and that helped I found. I even managed to get me and baby up dressed and both fed by 10 I must say I was proud of that haha! Hopefully tommorrow will be as successful,
Thanks for the replies

OP posts:
HVB79 · 16/08/2017 23:34

Well done! Sounds like a successful day.

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