Is this normal? I'm really struggling to enjoy my new baby

[Abbie1711]

I had a healthy pregnancy, but a traumatic birth. My baby is 18 days old today and although I'm not suffering as much as I did the first 2 weeks with anxiety... I don't feel I'm improving anymore.
I don't enjoy my baby and feel guilty for saying it.
I feel like my life is over, because it's such a huge change and I didn't really expect this.
Me and my partner normally went everywhere together, for the past 9 years he never (or very rarely) went somewhere without me, and me neither. We don't have a huge social life, it's more family events or going to the gym.

I've gone from working full time, and going to the gym often with my partner... To being stuck in the house and I really hate it.
He's just left to spend a few hours with his dad as it's his birthday and when he went I just cried, I miss him SO much and he's only gone for a few hours, how will I cope when he goes back to work next week?
I've completely lost myself I don't know who I am anymore. My baby doesn't feel like my baby, I've not got any attachments and if a relative asked to have her for the day I wouldn't think twice about saying yes - that's not normal is it?

I've spoken to my midwife and hv but because I felt I was improving I didn't arrange for them to come back.

I feel completely lost, like I'm drowning

First of all, your baby is 18 days old. That's tiny. You need to go easy on yourself and give yourself time to adjust to this massive change because it is massive. I remember the first few weeks being so overwhelming.

Secondly, it's a little worrying that you have spent so little time away from your DH. You will need him a lot at the minute but perhaps as the baby gets a little bigger you should try and meet some other mums in your position. I certainly found it helped to know other people in the same position.

You should also mention to your hv how you feel.

I definitely struggled to bond with my DD after a traumatic birth but as time went on and she grew out of the sleep/eat/cry phase I grew to enjoy her company so much.

oops, posted too early but just wanted to say you're not alone in feeling like this and for me it was just a phase

Go easy on yourself. The first 6 months to a year is a bloody hard slog, and to be endured rather than enjoyed.

Don't feel guilty, it's a HUGE change going from an independent adult to suddenly being responsible for and fairly housebound due to having a tiny baby. You will find yourself again, but by developing a new way of working as a family. Also baby bonds take time. People will say they felt immediate love for their children as soon as they were born but that's not every case.

I struggled so much for the first year of dd's life but our bond became a lot stronger when she started going to a childminder and I started to get my own life back again. At nearly 3 I couldn't love her any more and we have a wonder time together. Looking back the baby stage is just hard, so be kind to yourself and get through it a day at a time

Do talk to your HV if they are any good, GP if not, but it isn't particularly abnormal to have a lot of very intense feelings at this stage.

I remember hating people saying 'well done' because it really seemed that the whole situation had nothing to do with me. I must say though that I think I was quite close to being depressed. Hence the importance of talking to your hv.

You are going to need an alternative support network but try not to worry about the future too much just now. One day at a time.

I cried when my partner went back to work. My baby is 8 weeks old now. I still cry a lot when he's at work and I'm having a particularly tough day. But things are getting easier. They'll get easier for you too I promise. Hormones are still flying for the first few weeks. Babies are harder work than anyone can ever prepare you for. But when she starts smiling at you and cooing at you. You forget. Maybe 5-6 weeks. I enjoyed people coming to visit. Just for some adult company when you're home alone. And a hand with the baby!!! It's so tough. You're not alone. Plenty of people have the same feelings. I thought my baby hated me! Even still she can spend a full day screaming at me and will smile her head off when daddy comes home :) they really don't know what they're doing. They've just come from such a cosy warm safe environment. So we just need to try our best to help them adjust. You've got this! Natural to fear being on your own. But I bet you'll do absolutely great!!!

Yeah, they never warn you how hard this bit is. It's not just you, it really is bloody tough. Ask for help from your HV if you feel you need it, ask for help from anyone and everyone. It might be PND, or it might be more on the "normal / average" end of the spectrum. It will get better, I promise, but if won't necessarily be in the next few days or even weeks - although it could be.

Honestly, anyone who says they haven't put their baby down in a safe place, walked out of the room and had a cry is either lying or Mary Poppins.

Thanks for the responses. It's all came to me as a shock because I wasn't hormonal at all throughout pregnancy, I didn't cry once... Now I'm crying every day!

I can't say yet that I love my baby, because I don't feel like shes mine. I don't enjoy tending to her, I just do it to keep her quiet.
I miss it just being me and my partner, but that's selfish to say because we very much planned this baby and the plans were to have a few children.... I'm starting to rethink my future a bit now!!

Oh honey don't be too hard in yourself. I didn't really bond with either of my babies until about 6 weeks in. I also made sure I went to as many baby activities as possible so that I had adult company and got out of the house. Please keep an eye on your mood and if it doesn't improve then go to the doctors x

18 days is a very short space of time so go easy on yourself. Getting out takes a lot of coordination, keep a bag packed and ready with change of clothes, nappy etc and try to get out for some fresh air each day, even if just around the block. Take advantage of times when your oh is around to go out with baby - had you decided in advance not to visit fil or could you just not face it? Do speak to mw/hv as there will be support services and groups to help you realise that this feeling is not unusual and build confidence. Baby massage might be nice to try together.

'I do it just to keep her quiet'

That's parenting. You are being a mother and a loving one too. The feelings come later. Right now you are in basic training - no camaraderie, no reward, you just follow orders from the sergeant screaming in your face. I promise it gets better, just like the army.

People don't talk about it enough but feelings like this are so normal this early on. I felt like my life had been turned inside out and upside down and worried I would never feel like myself again. My baby is now 3 months and I feel so much better compared to those early days so it does get better. Just take every day as it comes and look after yourself with nice food etc. Do talk to people about it as well as they will understand.

Urgh it's soooo hard OP, we've all been there and come through the other side, you will too.

There is very little to 'enjoy' in the early stages. I too, did everything out of duty but certainly got no pleasure out of it. You have just gone through the most life hanging event and nobody has any idea until they are actually living it.

I wish I'd had MN when my son was small because I really struggled and just knowing that others had been through the same would have been such an enormous help.

You've literally just got to take it a day at a time, hour by hour even! As long as your baby is fed, dry, warm and cuddled, that is enough. Look after yourself, try and get out of the house if you can, just for a little walk. Get as much help as you can from your partner.

Things do get better, it's still a slog but it's enjoyable these days (mine is a toddler) rather than something to be endured

Congratulations OP, and well done so far

I find it really weird that there's so much in the media etc. about pregnancy hormones making women emotional - I was fine during pregnancy and an absolute wreck once the baby was born!

Newborns can be such relentless, hard slog but it gets better, I promise. For me it got a lot easier when DS started sleeping for more than a couple of hours at a time; then he started smiling, which made all the difference, and then the gurgling and cooing and laughing came and he just gets more and more wonderful by the day. He's 10mo now and a wee smasher!

I know it's difficult to see the long term from where you are just now, but you have so, so much to look forward to. You're in the trenches just now but it's not forever

It's hard if you can't leave the house. Are you able tiger out more walks/drives once you've fully recovered? This will help. Alternatively redecorating/moving into a nicer house will also really help if it is an option. I you are generally a very sociable person then you may just be needing more company. Try going to play groups to meet other parents. They will all be eager to make friends.

Is it because of birth injuries that you feel you are stuck in the house? Otherwise, young babies are very portable. Providing you feel well enough, there's no reason you can't go out places just like before (within reason, maybe give clubbing a miss...), with your little one.

I think in the first 2 months of my daughters life, I spent, 2 days not going anywhere - the day after I got home, and one waiting for a midwife. You may feel better being out and about more. Even if you don't feel great, then you can still go places, just be careful where.

4 days after my section, I wasn't able to walk around a lot, but was able to pop to a nice cafe together, and it was nice to have some normality.

It IS a huge change, and you are still adjusting to it. Hopefully things will improve for you soon. I agree with pp saying to try and get out and about with your baby rather than staying in the house. Is there any reason why you didn't go and see your partner's Dad with him? Can you make arrangements to see a friend next week? Or find out about baby groups in your area?

I cannot tell you how identical your story is to how I was feeling at that exact same stage.

My boy is now 8 weeks old, my pregnancy was so easy but the labour was like something out of a horror film (no joke). We were kept in for a week due to him having an infection and when I finally got home I cried and felt like I had lost myself in that time.

I didn't feel that bond/connection and tbh I still struggle but love him much more now than I did. I felt like I was just surviving and plodding along.

I don't know if like me you are thinking too deeply into things but please try not to, it will only make things worse. Take time for yourself when you can, a nice hot bath every night on my own helped me and lots of honest chats with my mum and a very good friend. At my lowest point I felt very much like I had PND so did a little research and found a great tip was to tell myself affirmations every time I felt low or like I had made a mistake. Mine were and still are - 'I have a son, I love him. I am enough.' It may sound stupid but this REALLY helped me and saying it so much was enough to believe it and remind myself that I chose to have him, he is dependant on me and loves me as his Mummy.

As others have mentioned do tell your health visitor although mine was useless.

Let us know how you get on later in the week x

I could have written your post, Abbie. I was entirely overwhelmed, sleep-deprived and struggled with the relentlessness of it. I didn't leave the house on my own with the baby for the first 3 weeks; It just seemed too much. At my DC's 8 week vaccinations they warned about kissing due to the rotavirus being a live virus; I realised I had never kissed the baby since the first day. I could have happily walked away. However, things got a little easier and by 13 weeks it was like a light went back on. By 4 months, I felt happy and bonded. Keep your head up and ask about post-birth counselling if you think it would help when you're ready xx

I would second trying to get out of the house a little bit, could you do have gone along with DH to see his Dad and taken baby too?
Or for a little walk with baby in pram? Fresh air and exercise I always find helpful no matter how down I'm feeling. Have to force myself to get out though.
Little babies you can take anywhere - day trip to the beach, out for dinner, to baby screenings at cinema, on holiday - you really can keep doing things, just you have to take more stuff and needs a bit more planning than it did before.

I will be forever grateful for the NCT teacher who told us that at some point, possibly more than once, we'd be sitting with a newborn in our arms, at 2 in the morning, thinking, "What have I done? Why? I don't want this? I want my old life back." I knew, when Felt that, that it wasn't weird.

I remember walking around the streets with DS desperately trying to get him to sleep and trying to list the benefits of having had him. The main one was that I'd lost weight (I'm weird that way). There weren't really any others at that point.

It does get easier. But, if you're struggling, ask for help. I saw my GP at 6 weeks and was able to express what I was already doing to try make myself feel better. She was very sympathetic and told me that while she didn't want to start me on anti-depressants, she did want me to continue to focus on asking for help and if I didn't start feeling better within the next few weeks, to come back. Luckily, I did. But it was a long hard slog.

I know you miss your DH, but that is a phase and it will get better as the baby gets more reliable and into a routine and you can do stuff together. In the short term, I'd ask him to take DD for a few hours so you can get out of the house. Go to the gym. Get a massage. Walk around. Do whatever it takes. DH often used to take DS when he got home from work and I would simply walk around our giant Tesco and browse the shelves. Just to be somewhere else. Similarly, if you have family nearby, ask them to take the baby for a few hours while you do something with DH. My mum sent the two of us off for a movie when DS was just 4 weeks old. it was only a couple of hours, but it was amazing.

And if you don't start to feel better in a bit, see your GP. Or call your HV.

((hugs))

I want to update this post to say that my baby is now 9 weeks and my feelings are COMPLETELY different
To anybody reading this who felt like i did, it DOES get better!
It started the day she gave me a smile... It just got better from there at 4 weeks and now i can't remember life without my baby.
She's such a good little cheeky monkey!
I was absolutely desperate before and so so lost i couldn't see a way out! But the way out for me was time!

I even now prefer it when OH is at work because baby naps better and we have more of a routine set!

Thankyou to everyone who read and replied :)

so good to hear that OP I'm really glad things got better for you x