I'm having the most dark thoughts about hurting baby and others

[CleanFreak123]

My anxiety is through the roof. It having daily panic attacks and I'm a horrible person to be around. I was diagnosed with PND when DD was 2 weeks old (she is now 13 weeks old). She had terrible Colic, but that is clearing up but I'm still struggling. I was diagnosed anti depressants but they did nothing at all in fact they made my panic attacks worse.
I was having good and bad days but this week has been awful, every day is terrible. I literally shouted at my baby so loud today it shocked her and she went silent. I was so so very upset and I still am. I feel like I'm being much more heavy handed with her when I'm angry, like shoving her down rather than being so gentle like I used to be.
The thoughts I'm having are awful. I'm horrible to my partner and I generally hate life. I don't know what to do. I'm worried if I go to gp she will contact my useless health visitor again or worse the social and have baby taken away so I don't hurt her.
I do not know what to do and I've really had enough.

Do you have any family locally that can help out? Maybe take the baby for a few hours to give you a rest?

You need to speak out. Your baby won't be taken off you just because you ask for help.

You have a partner, he/she will have to step up the child caring whole you seek help. Make an urgent appointment with your GP, wake up your partner or if you're alone and truly worry for yours or child's safety, call an ambulance.

It all seems worse from your position than it does from the outside

Hi CleanFreak, didn't want to read and run.

Please speak to someone in real life, your GP would be a good start (presumably they diagnosed you with PND in the first place?) or your OH? There's lots of people who can help you through this time. It will get better, you just need the right support in place. Having a newborn is so hard at the best of times, if you've got PND it's only going to be harder. X

I didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry you are struggling like this. There are more options for treating PNT/anxiety than just anti-depressants so I would urge you to reach out for more help. Your GP would be a good option, and this is a good website: www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/how-we-can-help/

What you are going through is horrible but you are by far not the only person to have gone through it. It doesn't make you a bad person and you will get through this

Hiya,
Social services are involved in my famdid to my mental health. I assure you that they aren't going to instantly take your baby away from you. They will do all they can to make sure you get support.

Please reach out for RL support, you're not a bad mother or person for needing a bit of extra support. I hope you feel better soon and get the support you need.

Please please get help op, your doing the right thing asking for help. Please don't feel they will take your child away you now how your feeling is not right and that's the best step you can take knowing you need help. Please see your GP and let your partner now so he can take the baby when you are feeling stressed xx

This is a very real and common condition called postnatal OCD. Please have a google. You are not a bad mother and nobody is going to take away your baby.
I can 100% relate as I have the same disorder. It's more common than you think.
One thing that helped me was understanding thoughts are not actions. Please speak to your health visitor if it's getting out of hand - there is treatment available. Hugs for you OP - I know how awful it is x

sorry - I should have been more clear. The dark thoughts are a symptom of Postnatal OCD.
That coupled with rising stress levels it does sound like you need to talk to your GP and ask family for help.

Also just noticed this thread is a couple weeks old. Hope things are getting easier OP x

Good mothers ask for help when they need it. for you, OP