Anxiety and not enjoying my 1 week old at all, feeling so guilty

[Abbie1711]

Ive just had a little girl, she's 8 days old today. Planned completely but throughout pregnancy I never really did get to grips with the fact that we were about to be parents.
The birth was very traumatic, I lost 3.4 litres of blood, needed 3 transfusions AND woke up with bells palsy! The palsy affects most of my face, I can't even kiss, smile or cry properly. Visitors just stare at me with sympathy and that makes my anxiety so much worse.

I HATE nighttimes because it brings me back to that first night alone in the hospital with her, i didn't get any sleep!
I can't breastfeed because I just litteraly cant make milk, I've been told it's due to the blood loss.
I'm on propranolol now for my anxiety, the anxiety started that first night in the hospital and is so strong my chest hurts!
I don't enjoy my baby at all, her daddy does a fantastic job and loves her for the both of us but I don't even enjoy holding her and when she cries it makes my anxiety really really bad.
The midwife is coming to see me again in a few days to see how I'm getting on, but I'm really in a dark place right now.
I can't function, I'm not myself at all. I feel TERRIBLE that my partner does almost everything. I'm not eating, I can't talk because of the palsy, I litteraly don't know how to cope.

Oh sweetheart you are not alone. I felt like this after the birth of my first. I can hand on heart promise you that it is going to get better.
Get on the phone to your midwife or health visitor and let them know how you're feeling. They can help.
Then get on the phone to a relative or a trusted friend, don't be afraid to tell them how you're feeling,
And my main advice , take one day or even one hour at a time. These feelings will pass. You're totally normal. Loads of new mums feel exactly the way you are.
Keep talking and take really good care of yourself, you are going to get through this xx

Oh bless you don't feel guilty, it's exhausting without everything you've been through. Babies look cute but personally I didn't enjoy teeny baby stage with either of mine I was just a tired, hurting mess. Everyone says it, but it really will get better.

I'm really sorry you feel this way but it does get better; even in a week you will feel so much better and different because it's such early days at the moment.
Take all the help being offered by family, friends and professionals. Try to eat and do little things to look after yourself; don't worry about the breastfeeding and don't feel bad about feeling this way or your partner looking after both of yours little girl with you. And as previous person said take each day as it comes, concentrate on trying to eat and drink to get your strength up and the rest of it will come.

Hello there

I suffered badly from post natal anxiety following the birth of both of my babies. I'm just coming out of it now with DS2, he's 10m old. It sounds like your partner is doing a wonderful job helping you. Make sure you tell him how you feel and call your health visitor or midwife and tell them how you feel too. I spent hours on the phone to one particular really lovely health visitor, she helped me enormously in seeing that I wasn't alone and that many new mums feel like I did. Try to take a break from baby too, take a little walk or have your OH take bubba for a walk while you have a nice long shower. Look after yourself

Big hugs and flowers for you xxxx the first week is so so so hard without any of trauma you've just been through. I suffered terribly with post natal anxiety, guilt, intrusive thoughts, the full works. Your body has been through a massive trauma, you have nothing on earth to feel guilty about. I understand about the night time thing as well, I remember being in so much pain that when I finally got a moments sleep at 3am I would have horrific nightmares about being tortured so I began to avoid sleeping! It was horrendous, but it passed and now baby music is 16 weeks old and I feel up much better! I've rejoined the human race and when I look back to those early weeks I think half of it was just sheer, utter, unrelenting exhaustion. Let your partner take some of the strain, he hasn't just been through what you have. Much love xxxx

My god those nights with a newborn are like torture. You poor thing. Please don't beat yourself up. You have been through a traumatic experience physically and mentally and having a newborn is just like a whirlwind. I think most people just try to get through it - don't believe all the social media posts about dreamy days with a newborn. Many women struggle a lot. You are normal. You will get better and you have a lifetime to enjoy with your wonderful girl. This newborn phase is just a speck really in the timeline of your lives together so don't put pressure on yourself. And don't feel guilty - you grew and gave birth to a baby! That's heroic! Take every hour at a time. Just get through it and you will feel better in time. Keep talking to those around you and don't cut yourself off from support. You will be OK and you will be a wonderful mum xxxx

My birth experience was nowhere near as traumatic as yours OP and I could barely sleep for the first 2 weeks as every time i closed my eyes and started dropping off i would get flashbacks to labour. At times i was sobbing my heart out and I couldnt even explain why. But a human being cannot survive without food water and sleep so please make sure you are getting them regularly. Take it one moment at a time. You can do this.

Labour not as traumatic as yours but everything else you've written I am going through right now with a 4 week old. No advice but wanted to let you know you're not alone! Sending

The first few weeks are hideous, imo. Don't be hard on yourself and get through it however you can. It won't last forever!

I had a terrible birth experience with my eldest - severe haemorrhage and transfusion, terrible anxiety afterwards and I didn't 'bond' with him for weeks. I felt so guilty. He's now 19, gorgeous and when I did bond eventually it was true love! My second is 8, another awful birth experience with him going into intensive care for a week. Again, terrible anxiety - people used to go on about how lovely he was and I'd agree but feel nothing but responsibility. After a few months, when the worst was over, I fell in love with him and he is my golden boy. Get help that you need. Rest. Take care of yourself. Let your partner and in laws help. And if you feel guilty, remember this will pass and a lot of women feel just as bad. You've also been through a hellish experience physically!

Get some rest, meditate, get out of the house. Try getting a break. I know it's hard to do with a little one, but if my husband or mom, didn't take the baby once in a while I would go crazy! Do something special for yourself!!!!
As for herbal remedies relaxing mama stress reducing tea can give you a great relief from ppd.

op I can hardly remember anything from the first 3 months with DS1 and I didn't even have Bell's Palsy. It is HARD. The good news is, it gets better as you get used to the new regime. One day at a time lovely xxx

Sorry I didn't reply until now, I posted the original post in an anxiety hazed mess, I didn't even remember the website I used! I Honestly don't remember what happened in the days between then and now! I can see I wrote that my baby was 8 days, she's 14 days today wow! Anxiety really has eaten up the first 2 weeks of being a mum!

I am starting to feel more human thank heavens! I'm putting alot of the anxiety down to the steroids I was given for my bells palsy - prednisolone which I didn't read until the end, can cause problems with mental health and anxiety... So that on top of my anxiety really didn't do me much good!

My baby is 2 weeks today and for the first day I can see a light at the end of the tunnel! I didn't want to run without an update as I've been reading so much on the Internet recently and it helps to see updates!
A few days ago we arranged for MIL to have baby tonight to give us a break, I was so ready for it! But as soon as she left today my heart ached, and it's SUCH a relief to finally feel SOMETHING towards my gorgeous baby girl! My biggest fear was feeling that I didn't love her, and that I wasn't bonding so to feel emotions right now of missing her is a huge step for me! I could cry with relief!

I've had the health visitor visit and call me and talking definitely does help! I'm still really upset I can't breastfeed but I've been told to ask the GP about domperidone medication to possibly kick start production? Not sure if I want to risk adding hormones to my body when I feel like I'm recovering from a hormonal attack!

Post natal anxiety is/was for me, like being beaten up inside, my chest ached from anxiety and I was so scared that I wouldn't get better! But as many of you have said, it DOES get better! I still suffer in the mornings with anxiety and I'm not sure why it's only mornings but I can work with that!!

I still don't like to think about my labour, because I'm still recovering mentally... But where I am now is a hell of a lot better than where I was a few days ago!!

Oh I'm so pleased you're feeling better! Sometimes you have crap morning/afternoon, but it always always passes. So if you feel like total crap again tomorrow, don't panic and think you've got to start all over again (like I used to) wait for it to pass then move on and get on with being a mummy. I'm partially telling myself that as I've had a panic this afternoon! Congratulations on your beautiful little girl xxxxxx

That's good advice :) I need to keep reminding myself how far I've came already! I'm so relieved that I didn't keep on falling deeper and deeper, as it got pretty scary at one point!
I've still got the midwife coming tomorrow and next week as they saw me at my worst so got pretty worried about me! Fingers crossed I continue to get better!
Thanks everyone :)

Great update OP! Glad you are feeling better

I'm 7 weeks postpartum and only just started feeling better a week ago after a traumatic birth with similar circumstances to yours.

I couldn't eat anything for ages, my appetite came backa round week 3 or 4.

My dp has been amazing, without him I don't know what would have happened to us.
I couldn't hold, feed or do anything for our baby in the beginning.
It's all such a blur.

Keep talking to your hv about your feelings in case it gets worse or doesn't improve.

I'm really pleased you're feeling better. I had a crap time having DD1 and it took quite some time to get on my feet. The thing that stood out for me was the specialist post-natal counsellor I saw saying 'it seems perfectly reasonable for you to be feeling that way, given what you've been through' and 'I hear that from lots of new mothers'.

What we see of parents and newborns is all smiles and Facebook posts declaring how much they love their baby. The truth for many new families is that it takes time to fall in love with their baby and reconcile themselves to the overwhelming and irreversible change they've just been through. And getting to that happy place is hard work. We don't do each other any favours if we don't speak honestly about how hard it can be.

I've also realised that there is an evolutionary reason for babies to start to smile at 6-8 weeks. Tiny babies don't give much back. Those early weeks drag on with disrupted sleep and, for some parents, just as they have had enough of the whole thing, their baby smiles and the sun comes out.

Loving reading your responses thankyou very much it means alot that you are taking your time to reply :)
I've came back because I've had a 'low' day, although I need to keep reminding myself that only a week ago I was in a MUCH deeper place.

My situation at the minute feels intense because I feel like my partner has suddenly gone 'oh she's better' because I've started trying to make an effort to try to bond with baby... And because he thinks I'm 'better' he's backing off like I'm suddenly a perfect mum and don't need the help.
Night times are horrid, because he will feed her, burp for about 2 minutes then put her down before she's settled then get irritated that she won't settle.... So I have to get up every time which is rough in my current mindset
I've got no concerns that once I'm 'better' I'll cope very well because I'm generally a very patient laid back person.... But I'm not myself and it's really hard adjusting to life with a baby :(

The first few weeks/months of having a baby are so tough! Toughest thing I've ever done, it's a learning curve like no other so don't be too hard on yourself. Get through one day at a time.

I want to update this post to say that my baby is now 9 weeks and my feelings are COMPLETELY different
To anybody reading this who felt like i did, it DOES get better!
It started the day she gave me a smile... It just got better from there at 4 weeks and now i can't remember life without my baby.
She's such a good little cheeky monkey!

Thankyou to everyone who read and replied