Has my vagina changed that much??

[Whatcanido13]

Excuse the long post. I'd like to start off by saying that this is not a joke! I found another thread where someone was discussing something similar and got abuse from other ppl.

We had our first baby one year ago. Long pushing phase, no pain relief other than gas and air. Large baby...3rd degree tearing. However my recovery is still ongoing. Things not right down below. Have had numerous appointments with different specialists ...have seen a women's health physio (have seen 3 different ones). I have a bladder prolapse. So I've bought the pelvic toners, done online rehab programmes. Don't even mention kegels and I've done more of them than you would believe. I feel like I've really done everything I possibly can to get my pelvic health in order. Nothing is working.

Sex wasn't on the cards for the
1st 6 months due to...well, the above really. DH was lovely about it all - no pressure. We did other things but didn't have full sex until 6 months after baby. It went ok...Used a condom. I wasn't in pain but it didn't feel all that nice for me. Hubby didn't complain!

Next time we tried...it wasn't good. Husband lost his erection. Next time we tried...same again. And then again. And again. Have tried lots of positions etc. And to be honest it's so distressing and humiliating for me that I just can't face doing it again.

I just feel like my body has been through the ringer. I had all this tearing and I know plenty of women bounce back but my vagina just hasn't! It feels much bigger and looser than before and I've been obsessed with getting it better but it seems like it's just not happening. I'm back to pre baby weight so don't think I'm looking that horrendous. From the outside I've 'bounced back' but really I know I haven't if I can't even satisfy dh.

My husband says it's from the pressure to perform and using condoms. I can't contain my frustration that this is yet another thing I have to worry about. I'm getting resentful. I feel so unattractive. How can we have a happy marriage without this? I would like more kids and I know he would too. I love him so much but this is really interfering with our relationship.

I've asked about surgery to fix this and been told it's not necessary and that everything looks fine down below. I've suggested my husband go the gp to ask about solutions but he's not keen at all.

What can I do? It's so upsetting. We used to have a lovely sex life and now it's fraught with anxiety and stress. I feel like the only person in the world suffering from this issue at such a young age (I'm 30)

Any suggestions would be very welcome as I can't talk about this in real life!!

Speak to the gp and ask for a referral to a specialist therapist. It may be psychological; it may be physical. Or both, for both of you.
Saying "it looks alright " isn't working; the gp needs to DP more.
I was mashed up and told 'it looks alright ". Needed surgery and physical and psychological therapy.

Needs to do more

First off, don't blame yourself.

Is the main issue that your husband loses his erection? Then it is MUCH more of a psychological problem than a physical one. It won't have anything to do with your vagina being different.

You've been through the wringer, and therefore so has he. It's hard to get in the mood for sex when you've had so many gynae issues. And like you say, it's stressful and unpleasant for both of you.

So, you need to wipe the slate clean and start again. Don't feel under pressure to have PIV sex at all. Take that completely out of the equation and try to have fun in other ways.

As for the condom thing, well I have less sympathy about that. You shouldn't feel obliged to go on hormonal contraception if you don't want to.

Thank you so much for your replies and the lack of judgement!!
Strikealight what type of surgery did you have and also what type of therapy?

Heyroly I'm not keen to go on the pill and he agrees (took a year to get period back after last time I was on it). Yes he can get an erection no problem but then when the time comes to enter me he just loses it. He said he's not traumatised but I can't see how listening to Me cry/moan/rant about the state of my nethese regions could have been a turn on.
I like the suggestion of just taking it off the table completely though. I'll suggest that to him.

I'm in the uk and can't imagine there will be any phsycological support on the NHS?!

*nether regions

I had to have a Fenton's repair to my vulva. This was a year after birth. Which was surgery under GA. up yo then my vagina felt like it was made of barbed wire. It felt a little less afterwards but the psychological scars were very deep and I had psychotherapy. My dh attended some sessions.
I then had a major but unrelated physical health crisis , a situation which is now manageable.
Sex is pretty much ruined for me. I tolerate it but don't enjoy it. My dh knows this and we pretend everything is ok.

Strike a light I'm so sorry to hear this. You poor thing that sounds horrendous! I'm assuming you've been to a women's health physio? Did they do trigger release to release tight pelvic floor? I went to one physio that didn't go this but others do and many women swear by it. I've also heard a product called the therawand helps ppl with painful sex.