Is it just me who regrets being a mum?

[loopylol1990]

Firstly my son was not planned i suffer PCOS so never expected to fall pregnant. My lb was born by emergency section and took off to special care kept in there for a week. I hardly had any time with him, no skin to skin etc. He was born at 4.10am and I didn't see him untill 5pm that evening. I first held him in my arms and I felt absolutely nothing just felt like I was holding someone else's baby :(. Anyways he is 10 month old now I have no bond with him at all. I look after him because I have to not because I want to. I don't really have a clue when it comes to children, I've tried baby classes but it drives me crazy so I'm sat in house with him nearly all the time which drives me insane. I've gone from full time work to part time so I'm constantly broke. My partner is at work most of the time or out on the drink with his friends. I just don't know how much more I can take. I could quite happily run away and leave the 2 of them together. I feel so jealous of mothers who have got good attachments with their kids. Why can't I be like this? :( there's people desperate for children who can't fall pregnant so I should be over the moon. All I can think is I've ruined my life :(. Sorry for long post

Hey OP, firstly you haven't ruined your life.
Do you think you could be suffering from PND? Your posts read like you are - it's very common and in my opinion you should speak to your HV or GP asap about how you feel.
Have you talked to your DH about how you feel? He needs to be at home supporting you to give you a break, rather than out drinking with his friends.
Do you get any time for yourself? A day with a friend, a day on your own, a couple of evenings to pursue a hobby or a class? This is so important and you deserve it.
Finally, 10 months is still young and needy. Small children are hard work. I had PND with my DD, also unplanned. She was hard work as a baby and challenging as a toddler and I didn't enjoy her, but once she could talk, reason and use a toilet she became the light of my life, really, she's amazing, she's just turned 4. The baby years are not the fun bit for a lot of people, you just have to plug away as you are busy making a little person that you'll be able to have fun with soon.
Please chat to someone professional

I had an appointment with gp booked a while ago but thought I want feeling to bad so cancelled it. No point talking to my partner as he's just not bothered, he thinks he works hard all week so deserves a drink with his mates at weekend. He never wanted anymore children as he's already got 2 from.previous marriage. Sometimes I get a couple hours out the house with my friend depending on what shifts we are both working as I do nightshift. I've only got 2 close friends as most of them disappeared when I had my son but no point talking to them as neither have kids, both still living at home parents paying for everything so they wouldn't understand anyway. I just wish I could be a normal mother who enjoys spending time with her child :(

OP get yourself to the docs and chat to your health visitor I think it seems like you're pretty low and fed up and this sounds like PND to me.

This doesn't mean you're a bad mum or even that you have ruined your life only that this is much much harder than it could be and I think that if you have positive treatment with health professionals it could change your outlook and coping strategies hugely.

Also don't take what you see in the"outside" world as truth about baby bonding. Even the mums who have strong bonds think their babies are nightmares and want I scream into a pillow when they won't stop screaming/pooing/ throwing food/ just needing to be with you 24/7.

Perfection is not reality and even if things change for you there will be many days you want to lock yourself in the bathroom with chocolate and cry into a bath towel. I have done just that before. You are strong and important. Even if you don't feel a strong bond, you are your child's whole universe.

Small children are hard work. As are baby classes.

Are you getting enough sleep? Is there anything you or your partner could do to help you to ensure you get more sleep?

Do you get out of the house every day? What did you enjoy doing before you had DS, would any of it be suitable to take him to?

This may not work... Do you feel warmer towards your son when you look at photos of him? Are there aspects of being a mum that you do enjoy, or which at least aren't as bad as some of the others, could you try to focus on those? Easier said than done though...

You work hard too, looking after DS. I cannot even imagine trying to do night shifts with a 10 month old. You also deserve breaks.

Get another appointment with the GP, your feelings are valid and you could be enjoying yourself much more than you are.

I just wish I could be a normal mother who enjoys spending time with her child
Don't assume everyone is enjoying every minute with a young baby or child. SO many people find this stage hard, actively dislike it and quietly wish it away. You are a normal mum, you are looking after your DS and making sure he has what he needs - you need to look after yourself too and then the enjoyable bits will eventally start to surface.

Yeah I get enough sleep he's pretty good in that sense. Looking at photos makes no diffrence to me I still don't feel like he's my child :(. I think it's the whole thing tbh going from full time wage to part time was a big drop then don't feel like I got much support off partner as he's at work then likes to 'rest' when hes off. My family live in different town to me and often don't have money for buses to see them. It's just a mixture of everything built up I think. My head is just all over the place

Hi Loopy, you sound very down. So sorry you have not bonded with your boy. In some ways you sound like you're coping really well with the practicalities, but you must go back to your GP to get help with this bonding issue. It's serious. Why don't you print out this thread and show your GP? Otherwise they might fob you off or you might find yourself minimising it when you are in there . Good luck OP . Please make an appointment. And keep talking on here.

I'm at gp on Thursday so will speak then. I've just come in from work this morning son was crying in his cot whilst partner is snoring his head off in bed still. I'm on nightshift again tonight so need sleep and still can't wake oh up. God knows what time I will get to bed!

Hi Hun i think your depression comes from the fact that your partner is not reliable and doesn't help much, only thinks about his own comfort and sleep.
It must be very hard for you to cope with this situation. Having a partner but not having any help from him that must be very frustrating. I would probably prefer to be on my own as a single mother fully in charge of my life. Sorry i dont mean to sound harsh. Please talk to your partner.
I would also seek help from your GP. He should be able to help. Your baby needs you and it's very sad to hear you don't feel any bonding with him even at 10 months old. He will soon start walking. You will see how cute he will become. Please see your GP it's very important you get help that you need. As pp said it's serious Hun.

OP

I'm an adoptive parent and have similar feelings towards my child who came to us as a baby. I found/find it difficult to bond and suffered post adoption depression.

I know that it's a different situation as your baby is your biological child, but studies show that there can lots of similar feelings /difficulties bonding with an unexpected/unplanned pregnancy and parents whose children who have been in special care and haven't had the chance for immediate skin on skin, and all of the closeness that comes after giving birth.

On top of this you're sleep deprived, overwhelmed at this unexpected change of life and may have post natal depression. It's hard to see a happy future when you're in the fog, but talking to someone could help and possibly some medication just to get you feeling more on an even keel.

I went to my GP who was great and didn't make me feel like a failure, she told me that it's very common and if it was any other illness like high blood pressure I wouldn't have thought twice about getting help. It was a turning point.

Baby groups can be mind numbing and they were never my thing, but I signed up for baby sensory class and a (small) mum & baby swimming group. Both were fun because they helped bonding (skin to skin) and were activities rather than baby groups where you have to drink tea and chat.

You didn't have the best start in bonding but it's not too late. Google Theraplay, Attachment Parenting to give you some tools/tips for building attachment with your baby.

I hope this helps

How are you getting on, Loopy? Was the GP helpful?

I still haven't seen my gp as I was called into work for a shift so I was then sleeping the next day. Thanks for all your advice guys x

Loopy you've had lots of good advice and I do hope you make it to your GP soon. If you find making time for an appointment tricky you could ring your health visitor (if you don't know her name/number you can ask GP surgery for this), who at least will listen sympathetically and may get things going for you. She could come and see you when you're at home and help signpost services you can access.

You asked whether anyone else regretted having a baby. The fact is, lots of people do. They may still love their children and in fact may also not be able to envisage a life without them, but a baby has changed their life and their family dynamic and this is a struggle. Here is a very recent article in the Guardian about parents who regret having a child.

But I don't want to confuse matters for you as I expect you would not feel this regret/heaviness if you had some more support. All is not lost, OP. Hope you can get some professional help soon.

Your job sounds very tiring!
Hope you are taking care of yourself as well as your little boy.
Do make another GP appointment and show them this thread if you can't find the words or they don't take you seriously. (Because I bet you seem very efficient and problem-free in real life.)
You deserve to be happy and have a great relationship with your baby and I am sure it is possible with just a bit of help.

If you've got a minute, look at meetup.com.
Have a look in your area to see if there is a new mums group or similar. Could work better than baby classes.
It is miserable to stay at home with a baby. You need to get out with other parents.