I just want to feel normal again

[Rebocalucy]

So I'm looking for some encouragement and advice.

I'm a first time mummy, my little girl is 3 1/2 months old. I have what would seem the perfect life .... But I just cannot shake my anxiety and I'm starting to feel like a bad person too.

I suffer terribly from intrusive thoughts about harming and harm coming to my daughter, which scared me so much I went to the doctors 3 times and told them. I am now having CBT and have been for a while.

My anxiety after my daughter was awful I was constantly feeling sick and scared and didn't feel any bond for weeks, but slowly my anxiety has eased as isn't so bad. We now also have an amazing bond, even though I sometimes fear we don't or were losing it !

So now I am left with feeling sort of numb ? Instead of scary thoughts going through my head about my little one coming to harm I just have a constant overwhelming thought what If I hurt her, and it lingers all day !

I also used to cry all the time but now when my daughter cries I don't feel like crying, I didn't cry at her last injections like I normally would, and I don't feel as sympathetic towards her when she's screaming the house down. Now my partner has said that maybe Iv stopped crying because I'm slowly recovering, but it's making me think maybe I am an evil person and maybe that's why I'm not crying any more at things ? I'm scared that I'm getting cold hearted and resentful and that's just not me as a person.

I just want someone to hug me tight and tell me everything's going to be ok ! I regularly speak to my councillor and gp about everything, I'm very honest with them. I just needed to vent some of my feelings to people who can relate.

My dream is to be happy, enjoy every second with my baby, enjoy my maternity leave and then live a long and happy life. I desperately want my future to be normal, and I'm so excited for all our mile stones.... So why can't I relax ? [emoji35][emoji35]

I feel lost, lost in the moment I have always looked so forward too.

Sorry for the long post xxxx

I think that the only thing you can do right now is continue to talk to your councillor and your gp. You should also mention this to your hv. PND is common so know you are not alone. . You should try to start taking some time out of the day for yourself and let your partner take care of the baby. You are a great mother so don't worry.

Thank you violet, he works all day so Iv never had a break. I would really love a few hours to pop to my friends for a cuppa but I feel guilty for even considering it xx

You shouldn't feel guilty, you have a right to have some free time. Sit down and talk to your dp about you having a day off to relax with your friends. You may not feel comfortable going away for a long time now but you can start getting used to going away. Even a quick trip to do errands without the baby would be beneficial. xx

Thankyou :) PND is awful ! I just want it to end so I can enjoy life again with my beautiful family ! Xxx

Has your gp or councillor recommended that you take any medications to make your life easier xx

Yes Iv been prescribed citalopram but I'm too scared to take them zx

Just try them-honestly if you were diabetic you would take insulin. It sounds to me as if you've reached the stage where medication is needed. It will get better.

I agree with Haggisfish, you should really try the meds. They are there to help you get better xx

Please try the Citalopram - it really is an amazing drug. I took it for 4 months after I had my first son and was in a right state with horrible anxiety, intrusive thoughts and jitteriness.

Within 3-4 weeks I felt literally back to my old self again: totally fine. It really is a wonderful drug

Bot can I be rude and ask if you still want to get jiggy on cotalopram?! this is the only thing that potentially puts me off taking it!

Sertraline is also a good medication. It has it's downsides as they all do (I lost all feeling down there for a couple of months-it's back now). The positives outweigh the bad though. In a couple of weeks I felt so much better.

Hi Rebo, you really sound to be making good progress. As for the thoughts of harm coming to your baby, most of us feel pretty overwhelmed, with our newborn, and share similar thoughts. I think your latest thoughts, you harming the baby, is your brains way of trying to make sense of this unwelcome anxiety. Giving birth, becoming a Mother, is a huge, life changing experience. You are very normal, but it is very scary at times. I would like you to accept this very mahoosive hug, and to tell you, that it really is going to be alright.😄
Here are one or two tips, which I found helpful.
Talk about how you are feeling, remember it took you 9months, to reach the end of your pregnancy. It makes perfect sense, if you think about it, to give yourself 9months to fully recover.
Try, if you can, to put your baby in the pram, and get outside for a walk, it'll do you both good. Just walk anywhere.
Any chance you get for a power nap, take it !
Get yourself a good book, lose yourself for 30 minutes.
Don't forget to eat well.
Invite people over, on your terms, but let them hold the baby, have a break.
You will soon be 'you' again.
Be kind to yourself Sweet. 💐💐💐

Bless you, Thankyou so much that has made me smile ! I know it's a long road, I'm so happy to be a mummy ! But like you said it's scary and overwhelming. It's amazing to have so much support from you all and I appreciate everyone's input :) xx

I used to be like this OP. Remember you have a problem with worry not an issue with harming others. Same as there is nothing wrong with your feelings towards your child you have a fear your not feeling enough. It's hard not to be fearful at times. All of a sudden a new life and it's a huge responsibility. All new mums have worries like yours, some like myself beat themselves up endlessly for thinking or feeling certain ways. You will see past this op :)

I hope so. I just look forward to the day when I can wake up and not be on edge all day or feel scared I'm losing my marbles ! It's so reassuring to have such an amazing responses xxx

So pleased that we have all contributed to helping you feel better Rebo.
Enjoy your beautiful baby, rest assured, this too, shall pass, and you are 100% not, losing your marbles 😂🌸

Thankyou ❤️