I have a 3 month old absolutely beautiful perfect baby boy, he is my first. I'm 23 years old and married, my husband works abroad ( ALOT ) so i'm almost always on my own.
I can't even start too explain how i feel to you... i'm hoping to gain some answers or find someone too tell me that i'm not on my own.
I can go from being the happiest woman on earth and i can't describe the love i have for my baby boy, too a very low dark place where i look at my baby and think evil thoughts within the space of 10 minutes. All he has too do is cry, and i feel this awful feeling in my stomach, i start too feel hot and sticky and i just can't cope. My mind is telling me too keep calm yet my body is wanting too shut my child up whatever way i can. This morning i actually had my hands around my babies throat, i never added pressure or anything.. they were just placed there. Then i snapped back, and instantly started crying. I feel like Jeckel and Hyde, i have past all the post natal depression tests that the health visitors have given me. I just can't pick up the courage to go and talk to a doctor. I feel like a failure, i know that i am not a bad Mum, i am giving absolutely everything to my baby. But how am i going too cope if i'm like this after only 3 months?! I'm petrified of when he starts too teeth because i don't know how I am going too manage him crying. Everytime i try and express feelings that i am struggling mentally to the likes of my Mum she thinks i am being stupid and tells me i have a child to look after so i need to snap out of it, i don't want too tell my husband because he worries enough. I feel so trapped, i am sorry for rambling on. I guess i'm just looking for answers of somebody, i am not a bad person. I'm really not. :(