Feeling blue again - identity crisis and missing life pre kids

[buzzy12]

Does anyone else struggle with this? I feel like such a bad mother. I have two kids. Back on mat leave and am struggling. I just don't like being at home and doing all the baby chat. I don't even like my job much but am desperate to go back just so I can sit down for a bit and have a lunch break.
When i had my first I got pnd. I just felt so lost. I missed my old life so much. I felt like I'd gone from career, happy, no worries London gal to frumpy suburban stressed mum (we moved out of London and I hate where we are too but that's another story). I miss my own time. I miss choosing what to wear. I miss going out in the eve. I miss running marathons.

This time round I felt OK till about one month ago but I seem to be descending again. I don't know what to do. I really want to enjoy the newborn stage but I just feel shit.

I'm not sure what future holds either as my work has to be the one to suffer with school pick ups etc. We both work in London. So not sure what steps to take for my career now either.

I started some counselling though not sure it's helping much (CBT). Am thinking about seeing dr for anti depressants though I am breastfeeding so not sure j can take them plus it feels a bit like covering up issue rather than solving it. I did feel better gradually with ds1 so I hold onto this. I don't really want to be miserable for the next 6 months though.

Does anyone else feel sad for their old life? Or is having a bit of an identity crisis? Or is it just me?

Yes I do feel like this sometimes. What helps is having regular breaks to be the old me. So I spent the weekend away with friends at a wedding. I got very drunk and danced a lot in a field. It was brilliant. And that's kind of reset me. Obviously you can't do that with a newborn (mine's almost a year old) but you can definitely still go out/do some old you things on a smaller scale.

I feel like this too OP. Not every day, but I have a meltdown about once a week.

I had post natal anxiety and insomnia for months after DS1, and CBT really helped me. Stick with it, it will teach you some useful coping techniques and will give you a better understanding of why you feel like you do.

Try to get out once a week on your own. Make plans during the day with other mums, take the babies out together and just enjoy the company.

Use any support you have - DP, mum, friends etc.

With regards to work, there is literally no point stressing about school runs yet - you will work something out. There's absolutely no reason for your career to suffer.

I totally empathise with everything you are saying, the world seems a bleaker place with PND. I wish I had more advice, I'm sorry.

But you are not alone. Lots of us feeling like you