Angry ALOT

[Firsttimemummy86]

Help... My DS is nearly 11 months old and ever since I was around 8 months pregnant I have had awful mood swings. My sons smile is often the only thing that can actually cheer me up, I love him so much and cannot bear the thought of being without him however selfishly I sometimes also wonder if he would actually be better off if I didn't exist. :(

Me and my partner row a lot and often it turns into full blown screaming matches that have escalated from something really small.
DH works away Monday - Friday and when he's gone I really do miss him but then when he returns I find the smallest thing he does (like yet again leaving washing on the floor next to the basket) can make me actually rage!
It's really difficult to explain but I just feel so angry with him all the time.
As you can imagine this is having a huge negative effect on our relationship as its making us both unhappy but I just don't know what's wrong with me, it's sometimes gotten so bad that I've broken things through temper. He regularly shouts at me and often tells me that I'm a really negative and angry person all the time and has even threatened to leave me if I don't sort it out. I don't have any family to talk to as I moved away so they live far away and tbh I don't really have any friends here, I've never felt this way before so I just don't know how to get out of this bottomless pit of what feels like despair.
Sometimes it gets so bad I've actually walked out. I feel like I don't deserve my son. Someone help me understand.

I had something like this

My daughter is 17 months now but Jude's to get really angry with my other half and can sometimes still get like it about nothing. I feel like when you have a child you start to see things differently and the stuff before you had s baby wouldn't bother you but now it's like arrrrgh!!

Mine was worse nearer my period but before I had never had pmt or anything but I just felt hormonal and like you said angry. I read up and started taking evening primrose tablets and I think going to the gym helped.

I think some of it is resentment tbh like we all love being at home with our babies but feeling alone and like you are the one doing it all whilst the OH gets on with what they would of done before is annoying and it takes time to get adjusted.

I think it would help to do something for yourself alone that you like once a week, I chose the gym and go twice s week. I told OH I needed something for myself just a couple of hours a week and he was very supportive and since I feel much better.

Not sure if this has helped but your not alone

It must be really hard for you without your oh there during the week, and no family or friends nearby. It can be relentless, exhausting and very lonely being a mum to a baby and a good support network is crucial in making it a little easier. I wonder if part of your anger might be resentment? Your oh is away so much, and did you move for his work?

I also want to add that unexplained anger, and feeling like your child deserves better or that things would be better if you didn't exist are all classic signs of depression. I know because I've had all those same feelings and was diagnosed as having moderate to severe depression. I had counselling which helped, and tbh so did going back to work, but you might find something else works for you.

Please go and have a chat with your GP or HV and tell them how you feel. Do you have a sympathetic friend or family member you could talk to as well, maybe ask them to visit? Or could you going and stay with them in the week?

There is no shame in asking for help, and if you're anything like me the relief you'll feel once you talk to someone who cares about all this in real life will help in itself. Good luck.

Thanks for your reply puglife, I have thought about going to the doctors but at the same time I'm worried that being diagnosed with depression will effect my career as you have to declare it, in addition it might void my life insurance, or put up my premiums, as it's already quiet expensive due to my partners job (in the forces) I'm not sure we could afford an increase. But maybe I'm just making excuses?

I moved here for my own job but didn't really have time to make friends at my new work place as I got pregnant and went on maternity in my first year... I've been back at work for 5 months but have found having any kind of social life with my partner working away quite difficult. I do agree that I feel a degree of resentment towards my partners social life and working away but I just don't know what to do about it.
I also find that when he is home I feel he's 'wrecking' my routine with my son so I get cross because he doesn't do things the way I would do it which obviously doesn't help matters!

You don't have to declare depression to an employer usually, are you in a particular career where you have to? Possibly if you are on the Forces too?

It sounds like your partner could be much more supportive that he currently is tbh, which really isn't going to help how you feel - I'm not sure what you can do about that though except get support from elsewhere.

I'm not surprised you feel resentful about your partner being away either. Do you get much time to yourself at weekends when he's back? I can see how it could be harder to have a social life when you are at work so not doing play dates or baby groups etc. Do you know any of your neighbours?

What's your financial situation? Could you pay for a babysitter once or twice a week, or if you work part time put your son in for an extra few hours at nursery so you can socialise, exercise etc? Maybe look for local mums Facebook groups?

If you are depressed, then it sounds like it's due to your difficult circumstances and you may well find your mental health, self esteem and anger much improves as you get more time to yourself and more support.

Sounds like the resentment is building up to me.

And why wouldn't it? Your DH works away, no kids, and then comes home and expects you to greet him with a cheery blowjob and pick up his pants

You need some time to yourself. Away from kids. Make this happen any way possible.

Vent, use MN (I've had some great advice and sympathy on here), maybe go and see a counsellor? Might help you to talk through exactly why and when you feel like this.

I would like to say can your DH pick up some of the slack at the weekends but I have my own similar ongoing battle at the mo, so I don't feel qualified to spout advice.

Hope it gets better for you OP.