I make them cry all the time

[Justabtfunctioning]

I just walked out of my house after making my kids cry for the 100th time. I'm worried I'm damaging them more than helping and I can't seem to stop being a bitch to them.

I do everything for them. Will do everything for them. I love them more than anything in the world! But I get really tired of repeating myself time and time again. Asking them to get changed/do your homework/tidy up. The usual stuff I know we all do.

But for me...I'm always bad cop. I make my eldest cry because I get so frustrated and I lose my shit. I've never physically hurt them. And I wouldn't dream of it. But I worry my childish outbursts will damage them even though it's the situation and my inability to cope with it calmly (like all the help books I've read suggests) that gets me so angry. My husband has zero emotional intelligence and lacks self awareness so is of no use to me. And he always comes in and soothes them. Playing good cop whilst I'm the shit show of a parent. They've stared to prefer them to me now. Wanting him to do stuff with them and no longer going to me for comfort. Which breaks my heart but I know I'm totally to blame for it.

I feel sad. I know I'm depressed but I feel like I'm stuck in a hole with nobody to understand or help me out of this fix and it's my kids that I'm upsetting the most. The more I do it the more numb I feel and the more I feel like I'm losing my shit. Sometime I don't even care what's happening I just want to run and hide.

Today for the first time I wondered if it might help if I just disappeared. They seem happier without me. Safer. When they see me the whole mood drops and I feel nobody wants me there anyway.

I really don't know what to do. Nobody I trust in RL i feel I can turn to to help......

This is the depression talking. I've been there and it's a horrible place. Are you getting any help with it?
I found getting my meds right and doing a course of CBT improved things massively.
It's hard when you are the one doing everything and other people undermine you. But it's also the depression making you feel like you can't cope and want to run away.
I used to fantasise about checking myself into a hotel, alone. I never did, but I can relate to how you are feeling.
Go and see your GP. If you can get the depression under control, the rest will be a lot easier.

I've had cbt. Been offered drugs that I turned down. Just didn't feel like I need them. Have been working with a psycho therapist for a few months. Seemed to be going ok but we've not really explored my depression. Just my day to day function and thoughts.

It all seems fake. Despite me being honest and open during the sessions. I feel like I'm leading a double life and nobody really knows / understands.

Even talking to my friends about it seems like it's someone else's voice saying it all. It's rare that I feel this lonely tbf.

I started taking ADs a couple of months ago because I was losing my shit all the time and they've helped me so so much. I'm on a really low dose, had no side effects, feel completely myself but much less volatile I wish I'd taken them years ago. Very rarely get the rage now.

I get that. My friends don't really recognise depression in me because they don't experience it. I keep it to myself. I actually feel like a fraud collecting my prescription each month, but if I miss a few or I relapse for some reason, I soon realise that I need them.
Is it worth reconsidering meds? Even if you view it as a short term patch while you work through things in therapy?

Having had a couple of hrs to calm down I started making my way home. But as I got closer to home and the thought of seeing them again made me well up and I couldn't bring myself to going back yet!
I've never been like this before. So I'm just sitting in my car in the dark trying to get some gutts to going back in. I don't know why I feel so scared of seeing my own children. I just don't want to upset them or have them see me break down. I know I'm not going to get the support from husband either. He just thinks I'm a drama queen and ignores me. Being extra nice to the kids making me feel worse.
I usually have my shit together!!

How are you doing now OP?

I managed to get home eventually. What else was I going to do?!? The kids weren't in bed surprise surprise as daddy isn't as bothered about a routine.
The boys were pleased to see me. As they both jumped me I started to cry again.....which obviously got them asking questions. I still feel numb and I just wanted to walk right out because I couldn't cope with the questions and the whining because I didn't want to put them to bed.
I feel sad I wasn't engaged in their conversation of keen to put them to bed. I just feel weak and tired.
The next two days I am 'hosting' friends. I'm usually excited about these things. Or at least keen. But I just feel tired and want to run and hide. I can see now why/how mothers can just walk out.

If you're having to play bad cop it's because your DH is playing good cop; he needs to step up and parent and discipline the children, and back you up when you do the same. It's not your fault.

Hi justabtfunctioning, I have been had similar experiences with my kids. It's crap. DD1 is 2.5yrs old and on a particularly bad day when I couldn't get a grip she cried for her dad 'I want my daddy to look after me!'
I worry about what memories I'm giving her. I worry about our future relationship. I worry about DD2 who is almost 5mths now & I'm not enjoying my maternity leave as much as I should. I feel like she is missing out on me being the best mum I can be to her.

I don't feel like I can be diagnosed as depressed, I just need sleep & I'll be ok. That means nothing to toddlers and babies though!

I love the quote 'be gentle with yourself, you are doing the best you can' but when you're in that mood it's hard to believe I know. I hope you can have a better week and the routine and structure that term time will bring will help.