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Postnatal health

As with all health-related issues, please seek advice from a RL health professional if you're worried about anything.

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Original poster

Motherhood not what I expected ....

10 replies

LittleNettle · 10/07/2016 09:48

Hello,
I can't believe I am about to type this but does anyone else LOVE their child, but hate motherhood a lot of the time.

My baby is two months old and I feel trapped. I don't miss my old life as such because my DD is amazing, I just feel so isolated and do feel like I have lost myself - I am now just a cook, cleaner, milk maid, nappy changer ...
My partner hasn't sacrificed anything - not nights out, not hobbies, not work. Nothing - and while I don't want him to be around 24/7, I feel very alone in this a lot of the time. He was even drunk the night I went into labour!!
I am on anti depresses since mid way through pregnancy and am too scared to convey how I am feeling fully.
I was just wondering if anyone else felt this way sometimes? And what helps?
Thanks

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PotteringAlong · 10/07/2016 09:52

I think in your case sorting out your partner might help.

My DH and I have both sacrificed things as part of being parents and they were all worth it. But I've never ever been made to feel by him that they were my sacrifices and mine alone to make.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/07/2016 10:01

Ha, was going to say much the same thing. Your partner is at least half the problem because he's not pitching in - he's obviously not allowing parenthood to impinge on HIM in any shape, way or form, leaving you to do all of it. This attitude should have died out by now, but clearly some throwbacks still believe it's what "a man" should do.

Most real men get involved - help the mother of their children out, by helping with the baby, helping with housework, cooking, cleaning, giving her a rest so she can catch up on sleep etc. If yours does none of those things then he sucks. As for being drunk while you were in labour - no words.

For the rest - talk to your GP. Find some groups for new mums - did you join any birth groups, NHS or NCT or anything? Contact them. See if there is a Surestart group in your area (they're becoming rarer with lack of funding but check anyway). Look for playgroups - although your baby is far too tiny to care for themselves, it gives YOU a chance to get out and speak to other adults - most of whom will be feeling at least some of what you are.

Talk to your parents, and his (if you get on with them). See if they're able to take the baby for a bit since your partner is so fucking useless.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/07/2016 10:03

Sorry, meant to add before posting:
Hang in there, it does get better. The first few months are absolutely the worst because of the sleep disruption - but it does settle down. You will be ok - but see your GP to make sure.

milpool · 10/07/2016 10:06

Your partner sounds like a dickhead. That's half your problem at least.

Though I think it is completely normal to have the feelings you do. I remember when DD was about 8 weeks old wanting to go back to work because I was just so bored, and she didn't do anything yet, and I couldn't settle her half the time.

It passed. We got into a routine. We found our niche.

It's not easy though. I really struggle with social situations and meeting strangers but I found I just had to get out there and meet people or I'd have gone mad.

EightNoineTen · 10/07/2016 10:10

I have certainly felt the way you . My dd is 2 now and I have given up my job and I still feel resentful towards my partner very occasionally but I have been honest with him. He gave up his martial arts practice and we share cooking and cleaning. My job is the full time care of our child, not house maid and cook, and he does not expect that from me.

You need to have a chat with your partner but I am worried he is quite selfish. Being drunk when you went into labour is completely not on. And he should have realised on his own that you've sacrificed so much and it's up to him to make some sacrifices, like giving up hobbies, but no matter. He needs to step up. Do you breast or bottle feed? If bottle can he do one night or early morning feed? My dd is breastfed so my dp used to do the majority of happy changes when he was home and also he would get up with her before he went to work so I could have a bit of a lie in.

Having a baby is a big deal and as the mother the responsibility will be felt mostly by you, but that does not mean the father should be able to sit back and do nothing. Try explaining to him how you feel, how much sacrifices you've made. How upsetting it is to see the father of your child carry on life as normal while you're falling apart. (That's what I would say anyway). He needs to do his bit. It's normal for you to feel the way you do anyway but he is making it so much worse. It's lovely as your baby grows though. Seeing her develop and learn will be wonderful. Xx

MadSprocker · 10/07/2016 10:12

For me, I had to acknowledge that I needed me time, and I was not a bad mother because of this!

I also got in a rut of continuing to wear bad maternity clothes for months afterwards. One day I went and bought a top and a pair of jeans that fitted properly, and that helped me feel more myself.

It is tough being depressed and on anti depressants. I had ante natal and post natal depression too. Just sending

Trooperslane · 10/07/2016 10:37

Yep - dd is nearly 3 and my name is now "xxxxxxx's Mummy", not Trooperslane.

It's really hard going and I agree that your DP needs to be himself a shake.

Dh does do other stuff he used to do but is really respectful of our time as a family and MY time as, you know, a person in my own right.

EightNoineTen · 11/07/2016 10:46

I agree with the last two comments. Time to be your own person is so important. I still have days now where dd is very full on and she's not a great sleeper so dp will get in at 7 and take her for a drive because he can see I'm on the edge. It's tougher than you can prepare for I think. That loss of you, being you not 'mum' and having time to go to the toilet on your own or sit and have a hot drink by yourself, plus your life has completely changed. Going from independence to having a full time dependent is very hard. Xxx

FayeLiz84 · 18/07/2016 17:31

I'm a new mom to a 2 month old as well and I also feel like this. I love my child but I don't really enjoy motherhood yet. I'm hoping it's just a phase and I will start to enjoy my time before I go back to work but at the moment I'm a mixture of bored, scared and anxious. It's just very hard and the weight of responsibility is immense.

I think you need to speak to your partner and try to get a break. My other half puts our baby to bed at night. every week I try and do something just for me...a bath, getting my hair done, popping to the shops alone and that does help.

If he isn't able to help do you have any friends/ family members that could look after your baby so you can grab a couple hours just for you? Xx

icklekid · 18/07/2016 17:38

I certainly didn't enjoy motherhood until at least 3 months- even with a supportive dh! A colicky newborn was very tough and I just found it all very hard work. You are both parents so both you and dh life should change. Yes he goes to work but other than that things need to be split- if he gets time to himself for hobbies you should get some time to yourself to (even if just to take a bath/ sit in coffee shop and read a book!) Maybe sit down one eve and explain the impact his behaviour is having on you? What would he do if when he got home from work you passed him the baby and said you were going to cook tea or pop out for half an hour?

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