Constantly worrying about baby

[butterflylove16]

I gave birth to my dd 3 weeks ago, & find that I'm always so worried about every little thing & feel such guilt over everything as though I'm letting her down. I just love her so much & don't want to fail her.

Breastfeeding hasn't been easy & I'm worried she's not getting enough milk, we are seeing the health visitor again tomorrow who will weigh her. I feel guilty over silly things - her dry skin, worrying about her temperature, I have noticed 2 ingrown toenails today & burst into tears in case she's had them since birth & I didn't notice. I really struggle when she cries as I read that if babies cry for too long it can damage them forever. I struggle to sleep as I worry she'll stop breathing & worry she has bad dreams as she sometimes cries in her sleep. I also feel guilty that she picks up on my worrying & it stresses her out.

My birth mum has mental health issues & I've not seen her since I was a little girl. I've always worried that I'll end up like her. I just want the best for my beautiful dd & I don't want to fail her. My Dh is amazing & always affirms to me what a great job I'm doing, but I don't really think he understands how I feel. He is a big believer in the power of words - for example if you wake up saying "I don't feel well today" it will be a self-fulfilling prophey. I really love that about him as he's helped me so much over the years, but because of this I struggle to tell him how I'm feeling. We recently moved far away from all of our family & friends & I don't know anyone here. We live in a village & I don't drive so it's also hard to meet people & I'm very shy.

I love looking after dd so much, I just sometimes feel so alone & wish I would stop worrying about every little thing. Sorry this is so long I think I just needed to write down how I'm feeling.

Oh my darling: I empathise with you so hard right now. My DD is just turning 5months old and I could have written this post to the letter when she was 3w old.

1. You must must must tell your HV. Sounds as if you may have postnatal anxiety as opposed to the more commonly diagnosed depression. V common, not an "issue" at all. Just like a distressing magnification of all normal new mum thoughts.

1. Moving somewhere new is a headfuck. Moving somewhere new and then having a baby and not knowing anyone around you to lean on well enough that they could bring you a box of Mr Kipling and a litre of coffee is torture. I managed to get my head together enough to start Buggy Fitness and Baby Sensory when my DD was 8w old. It saved my sanity. Do any baby group you can, I did with gritted teeth and I've met friends that I can go out and have coffee with and potentially use as baby sitters.

1. Like your DH my DP is brill but doesn't get it. He's super supportive and adorable, but there's a "disconnect". You have to just keep using them to voice your thoughts and fears to. A lot of guys I know seem to think they're put on this earth to offer solutions; maybe your DH needs to know you're just looking for a shoulder, not a magic wand.

1. Breastfeeding was a nightmare. My DD had a severe tongue tie, missed twice then we got thrush and it was awful. I introduced formula when she was 3w old and it was a massive mental break; after the latch issues, thrush etc I took the decision to exclusively formula feed her. It worked a treat and was one less thing to feel like a failure about.

I have every confidence you are doing an amazing job. If this is your first child your hormones are more scrambled than you think. You must be kind to yourself but also learn to trust your gut. Motherhood honestly arms you with a sixth sense; you'll KNOW when somethings not honestly right.

But for now, please please tell your HV, GP and if you have one Infant Feeding Team how you're feeling. Their numbers ought to be in baby's Red Book.

OMG MASSIVE POST: I just want you know know it's gonna be ok.

From someone who's been there until v recently xxx

Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it & feel good for having written down how I'm feeling

I saw the hv last week who thought I might have postnatal depression which I didn't think it was. I think you're right that it could more likely be postnatal anxiety. I have dealt with anxiety a lot in the past but felt great throughout pregnancy. It was just when Dh went back to work when dd was 1 week old I've often been feeling like this. Like you the issues I'm having bf aren't helping. I've called the NCT helpline about breastfeeding twice they were pretty helpful. I'm a little reluctant to go to the doctor as I don't like being on medication as I was a lot in the past. Also the hv got me a form about NCT last week but I would be unable to get there without a car & can't really afford a taxi which is what she recommended.

The hv said she will look at any groups available so that I can meet people, so hopefully I'll find out tomorrow - as the only group I found the children were all pre-school age.

I just know that I can't go on like this as I don't want to ruin something I've always dreamt of having. Thank you again for your reply.

Wow I've just read my reply - I sound so negative don't I. I really don't like how negative I'm sounding I need to change that.

This sounds very similar to how I was post-natally. I'd been on medication during pregnancy that might have effected DD and I was paranoid something would go wrong with her. I found that the HV were generally supportive (some better than others!), I ended up on anti-anxiety medication (setraline is ok when BF) and had some counselling which really helped. I think it's understands you're anxious given your family history but you are not your birth Mum. Make sure you tell people how you feel, I definitely think it makes a difference with anxiety.

I don't know about negative but you sound just like me when I had my first. I was anxious about everything. Every outing and feed were a nightmare. I was convinced I was doing it all wrong.
No child is damaged by crying for a minute. If you left her alone for 6 hours or let her scream all night that would be different.
I too couldn't relax at night. Co slept with my youngest and that helped.
We had eczema. I treated it! It is not our fault.
Both mine had weird toenail things. Not proper ingrown ones but not quite right.
The thing about being a parent is it is hard. We can only do the best we can and learn when to cut ourselves some slack when we don't meet our expectations.
She only wants to be fed and clean and cuddled. That's all! Don't worry about her possible future worries and you will feel much better. It DOES get easier.

Thank you both for your replies. I need to remind myself of that - I'm not my mum. I think that's always been my greatest fear in life. I know she loved us, but unfortunately she just wasn't a good mum. I think because of that my biggest dream in life has always been to be a mother, & make my child feel safe, secure, loved & cherished. But the downfall in this thinking is I hate that I'm not perfect, but then no one is.

We have a co sleeper crib which I find really helps, & when Dh leaves for work I often move all the pillows & duvet out of the way & we co sleep which I love. The thing is logically I know she's fine & I'm doing a good job with her, but then I just get all worried & put myself down. I'll definitely speak to the hv about it tomorrow - I just get this irrational fear dd will be taken away from me like we couldn't live with my birth mum.

Oops just realised a mistake I made - a form about getting cbt not NCT haha!

just wanted to send hugs, had my baby 12 days ago, struggling too. x

Hope things get better for you bessie84 x

thanks butterfly, hope so for you too, its rough isnt it. xxxx