This is my first post.
I went through a lot to have my son who is now 8 months old. I have a successful career which was always my driving force but like many mums, I'm struggling now to understand where I fit in to everything. I have now been offered the job of my dreams, but accepting it would mean re-locating, and it would be a very demanding (and full time) post, so obviously I'm worried about accepting it for all the usual reasons. My current employer is offering me a part time contract in my existing location so I suspect I will end up staying where I am. As I'm sure you know, these are difficult decisions and I feel a bit like "I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't" because either way there is major sacrifice, And I'm sure I'll have regrets from both decisions.
The main issue I'm worrying about, though, is how I feel about my relationship with my son. I'm on the verge of Turning down the biggest (and most rare) job opportunity I'll probably ever have On the basis that, 'surely I'll never really regret prioritising my son' kind of thing - but the thing that's suddenly struck me is how under-confident I feel as a mother. I am confident and successful at work but as a mum I feel doubtful and as though my son prefers everyone else to me. My husband has worked away ever since I had him so it has been me who has had to deal with all the 'crap' on my own. All the hard bits have been down to me. But now my husband has found a job nearby and is home more, my son absolutely adores him and I no longer feature. I feel like I do all the crap bits and then my husband swoops in and gets all the glory (and smiles!). It's like I've become invisible or something. My son lights up with my husband and my dad, but doesn't seem to notice me, and it has broken my confidence completely. I feel so selfish for thinking about it all from my own point of view but it's making me want to keep my distance and just hand him over to my husband all the time. But at the same time I worry that I'll damage him psychologically by not being all 'mumsy' with him. I no longer feel natural (not that I ever did completely) - I just feel tense and rubbish. My husband is cery supportive generally but just things I'm being silly and is getting protective towards my son, lik I'm being the horror or something. I just want to get out for a while so I don't damage him emotionally or something by seeming cold. Of course I love my son and all that but I never saw this comining in a million years. I didn't have the best time post natally but I thought I was getting the hang of it - this has blown me out of the water - I never ever thought I would feel so awkward and unnatural supposedly doing the most natural job in the world. I do think there is a touch of depression but I don't think that's what this is about - I just thought the one thing I could count on is building a relationship with my child, but it's not happening and I'm really scared. It sounds so awful but I would have accepted losing out on the new job to concentrate on my son if It was all more 'happy' but now I fear that I'll resent him for it based on the fact that he doesn't really seem to like me 😔😔😔😔
my husband has had a promotion which obviously I'm really proud of him for but now the topic of conversation with any one we meet is all about my husband's exciting new career prospects and my husband s glowing relationship with my son now that he is home more . No one even notices me and as the mum I feel like all criticisms are directed at me, whilst my husband gets all the "oh he takes after his daddy being so smiley/sweet/handsome blah blah" - I'm told that my son "looks nothing like me" and is completely different to me in natur because he is sweet, and I apparently I was a pain in the ass as a toddler etc etc. I can honestly say that no one has said anything nice to me at all recently - generally people just seem to want to tell me what I'm doing wrong.
Anyway I'm sorry I'm rambling now and I'm sure this is the longest post ever,
I'm just so upset.
Thanks for any help. Xxxxx