Hidden depression

[INeedGinPlease]

Hi

I think I need some help. My DS is 15 months and my absolute world, I adore him. He's not been the easiest baby from day one (traumatic birth, breastfeeding issues, non sleeper etc) but overall I enjoy being a mum and think I'm doing a good job.

But. I'm not 'right' and I don't know how to explain it. I can't remember what I was like and I can't work out how much of how I am now is 'normal' because of the major life change of becoming a full time parent or is 'not normal'... Iyswim.

I'm fine, ok, great etc until something goes wrong and then it can be the end of the world sometimes. I seem fine, but I'm not and I crack fairly frequently. Stress things (being poor, tired, not keeping the house clean or laundry done) bury me and I'm constantly struggling.

My dp is as helpful as any bloke... He is working lots because we need the money so doesn't do much at home, but is not the sort who complains if it's messy or is in any way controlling, he's actually really lovely. It's me who's bothered by the mess and things.

I can't cope with change at the moment, if dp is coming home at 5 and then phones to say he'll be late it feels horrific, because I was planning things and this now means (minor things!) like he won't be back for dinner so I'll have to save him some, or I'll have to do bath time (he normally does) or whatever. It's not that these things are major or bad but that it means so much to me it can send me into a stressed, snappy, grumpy mood just because he's changed the plan.

I spilt some milk the other day and literally cried over it because we don't have enough money to buy any more. Well, we do, things are very very tight, but we could afford more. It just upset me that it was wasted.

That was when dp finally realised I'm not 'ok' and he said I'm not as happy as I used to be pre baby and maybe I should get help...

So I came here, because I love mumsnet and have found help here before.

Any tips?

I can say that I felt like I lost myself after having my son. I thought I was me, but really I had changed. It's not a bad thing, adjusting to being a parent is a transition. I couldn't remember the old me.
You say the birth was traumatic. Do you feel that it's something you need to talk about? Some things you say, like if something doesn't go to plan you get stressed, could possibly be because things didn't go to plan when you had him? It's a suggestion. You may have come to terms with the birth, I don't know. But my son's birth wasn't great and it made me very anxious about things. I didn't notice it really, I thought it was just being mummy now. I was in a bubble. It wasn't until I delved into it and got help processing it all that I realised why I felt and acted the way I did / do.

It could be something to consider, but in general being a mum is stressful enough. It does get easier.

I haven't had my baby yet but have suffered from depression on & off for 16 years. Often the only way I can describe it is as you did in that "something doesn't feel right". Sometimes it just feels like someone has switched off my emotions, I don't necessarily feel down/depressed but just feel like I'm existing. It's taken a long time and a wonderful husband for me to accept that depression is part of me and that there's no failure in admitting to it and seeking help when I need it. My GP's are great, if I feel I need medication they listen & put me on it but equally are happy to go down the counselling route if I feel that would be more beneficial.
The fact that you & your partner realise something is wrong suggests that perhaps it's time to seek help and get back to your old self again. I hope this helps.