No Bond

[newmumsuzy]

I feel incredibly horrible for saying this and will come across as being heartless and monstrous but I have no bond with my baby at all. He was born 6 weeks prem and was in NICU for 3 and been home for 2 weeks. During this time I have not felt a thing, looking after him I just it as a job I have to do and as a responsibility not as a mother and son.

I suffered from pre-clampsia and had an emergency c section so did not have the smoothest of births

I feel selfish and immature for saying this but also I miss my 'old' life, I even miss work! I miss the control, routine, and also the spontaneity I had......now I just feel low and anxious all the time and do not want to leave the house.

My partner works away so leaves early in the morning and is not home until 7 in the night so I am alone all day with the baby and when I see how excited he is to come home and see the LO I feel even worse because I'm not sharing in his happiness and excitement.

Any opportunity my parents or my partners parents give me to have him for a couple of hours or even the whole day I will grab it - I don't miss my baby when he's away and get that anxious feeling again when it comes close to the time for them to drop him off again.

I'm doing all the night feeds as my partner works and has to work so I am sleep deprived but do not see this as contributing to my feelings towards my child.

Go and see the doctors op it sounds like you may have post natal depression. The docs can and will help you with that and in time a bond will grow.

That's exactly the way my mum described her PND. She was doing it because she had to not because she wanted to and any opportunity to have time away from him (my brother) she jumped at. She is now very close to him. Go and see your GP, they can help

It takes time. It WILL come, I promise. It's early days and you're probably still a bit in shock / traumatised. Thousands and thousands of women - if not the silent majority - feel this way at first. If you don't believe me check out the pnd threads on here. Also contact apni.org. In the meantime keep on doing what you're doing and it will happen. If you feel really down do talk to your gp about pnd. People think love for their baby will come like a flash of lightning but it's often not like that - it's a dawn that happens so gradually you don't notice it until one day you realise you're blinded by the sunlight in your life and can't imagine living life in the dark again.
It really will be ok. I say this as someone who had suicidal pnd after first baby. Hang in there.

Go to your GP as PP have said.
I left it until my DS was 6 months and I became really ill, I was paraniod about looking after him but like you couldn't wait to get away from him, to get back to being 'me'. I became obsessive that I wouldn't let him cry, was so clean he squeaked, I slept with a hand on his chest etc because I didn't feel any love for him.
I sought help and now 18 years on he really is the best thing that ever happened to me BUT without that help I may have put him in care or up for adoption because I knew or thought he deserved better than a Mummy who had no love.
Go get some support OP, it really can change your life and how you feel.

Thank you both

I have an appt with my GP on Friday for a medication review as I was on blood pressure tablets for the Pre-eclampsia I will mention it to them then.

The Health visitor I think has her suspicions, and she has said to me she has no worries about the level of care I'm giving my baby but I just feel awful feeling this way about him and I know its wrong to be like this. Its hard to know who is the right person to go to for help the GP or the health visitor

P.s. your partner is so excited about seeing your baby BECAUSE he only sees him for a short time each day. Believe me, if he was doing the 24hour shifts that you are doing, he would not have joy bubbling out of his ears. It's hard fucking work looking after a newborn.

Personally I'd speak to gp but it depends who you're more comfortable with really. Try not to feel guilty - you are not responsible for how you feel. It's a horrible feeling though and nobody should have to experience it. It will get better but will get better faster the sooner you get help. And don't worry about SS taking your kid away or anything like that, it's not how it works. As you said, your HV can see you and your family are looking after the baby just fine. You will be ok - get help though.