Am I depressed?

[Brightonmumtoatoddler]

Just wanting to get some opinions as I'm utterly confused about my situation. And life.

Reasons I think I am depressed:
I have no motivation to excel in life.
I haven't felt any real lasting 'joy' for years.
I often shun people's company. I then cry because I'm lonely. What the hell?!
I've had to come off Facebook because seeing people looking like they were having great happy lives made me feel sick and jealous. I actually feel much better for this as Facebook was a ballache anyway.
I ignore things like letters and emails assuming they will be bad news.
I often hate the sunshine as I despise the thought of having to go out in it and 'enjoy myself'. I also hate the thought that everyone is probably enjoying themselves in the sunshine and I'm not. I like it when it rains as its permission to stay indoors.
I usually come back from doing something technically enjoyable with a sense of disappointment and sadness as I've not enjoyed it.
I'm relieved when friends cancel plans as I don't have to put on a front that I'm feeling okay when I'm not.
I cry most days.
I'm rubbish at playing with my child and I'm just a functional mum who does things for her but I can't play with her. I don't know why.
I can't bring myself to exercise at all.

Reasons I might not be depressed: (As in things I believe I wouldn't do/feel if I WAS depressed)
I sleep well, I'm not tired at all.
I quite like starting the day, getting up and getting little chores done, I like having a shower and organising myself ready for the day ahead. I like having little plans and meeting up with friends.
I eat well enough.
I laugh at funny things, and seek them out.
I can easily make people laugh and everyone thinks I'm mega confident and I make friends easily.
When I have a partner and they cuddle me - skin to skin - i feel absolutely happy and safe in that moment.
Small things can make me really - if fleetingly - happy. Like a great joke or a hug from a friend or hearing my favourite song. When my daughter hugs me or sings or dances.
I don't despise my looks. I think I'm reasonably attractive and don't feel ugly. I feel well and physically healthy all of the time.
I'm optimistic about the future and believe in some ways I am lucky and that things will get better.
I don't seek out coping methods like alcohol or drugs or food to comfort me. Never have.
So what, the fuck is wrong with me?!

I don't think there is anything wrong with you, I just think you are 'you.'
Apart from you saying that you can't play with your child you sound like most of my friends. You could work on that.

We all have some positive and negative things in our life. The trick is to concentrate on the positives. You only have one life.
I think you should try a Mindfulness course as it would benefit you, and help prevent you sweating the small stuff.

Hi,

I have suffered from depression and the reasons that you have stated you think you might not be depressed... I wouldn't think a depressed would be person is doing.

For me personally when I suffered/suffer I would never have laughed or found any enjoyment in anything, sleep was affected, relationships suffered, couldn't work and wanted to stay in bed mostly all day. It's such a heavy fog that you're weighted down by you can't see anything clearly. Certainly wouldn't have been able to so any of the things mentioned in your list

However I'm not a doctor! I do think you might be suffering from something though maybe anxiety?? The best thing to do would be to speak to your GP and the sooner you get advice you will know what it is and be able to tackle it.

The good thing though is that you sound very confident and proactive and want to do something about it!! That's half the battle!

Also, there may not even be anything wrong! You might just be going through a challenging period or mood changes etc.

Best of luck and hope you feel better soon

I think you sound anxious, rather than depressed. You mention putting on a front and avoiding social situations, preferring to stay inside and not being forced into having fun. I think not understanding how to play with your child would indicate this too. I've felt like this for years and I haven't sought medical help because it doesn't interfere with my everyday life, I have to mentally prepare myself for different situations and have to give myself a pep talk when unexpected things happen. As for playing with your child, start off small with something that you can do alongside each other - water play, sandpit, play dough etc. work on interacting while you engage in the same activity and eventually it will start to feel more 'natural'. Like you, I felt like this and when I look back it was because I didn't want my child to reject me and not want to have fun with me. I wasn't a very confident parent then, but eventually it improved and now it's fine.

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to respond. I really really appreciate it.
Hole - I'm going to go on a 'more to life' course in a month which is like an advanced mindfulness course apparently. Looking forward to it. It's comforting to know other people are like that too like your friends.
New - I especially valued your input about your depression and the comparison. That's exactly what I needed to know as I'm sure my physical symptoms don't match up. I've heard people with depression literally can't get out of bed or sleep or eat etc and that's not me at all. I just feel like a little black cloud is following me around a lot of the time.
Blink - my doctor and health visitor both gave me a score of 0 for anxiety. I never feel anxious. The opposite really - just flat and almost not bothered by anything. I wish I was more anxious I'd get more done!!
Thank you also for the advice about playing with my child. It's hard to explain why - it's not that I don't understand how to, it's more that I assume it won't be any fun and I'll be sad at the end of it so it stops me. A bit like how I feel about most things going on. I assume it will make me sad so I don't do it in the first place...?! So so crap I know.
Anyway I'm going to do this 'more to life' course and I have high hopes it will change things. I'll let you know!
Thank you again I'm always so so touched when people make the effort to reply to my cries of help - that alone makes me feel better! Xxxx