I can't accept I'm a mum ! Feeling trapped and anxious

[sas758]

Hi all, I have a beautiful healthy 9 week old little girl and whilst pregnant I couldn't of been happier as after ttc for 4 years I thought it would never happen, but since the birth (emcs at 37 weeks) I feel I no longer recognise myself. I'm still trying to live the independent life I had before, get up and do what I want, when I want, I suppose that makes me a selfish cow but I can't seem to accept the fact that things are going to be different now. My dd sleeps well at night only waking once or twice for her bottle, but during the day she drives me bonkers ! Cries most of the day and so I'm unable to get myself ready to take her out anywhere and she fights sleep ALL day. I'm still waiting to feel the overwhelming love other mums have, I feel as though she could be anyone's baby at times. When I hear her wake in the morning my tummy turns over and I feel really anxious, I'm so stressed with this new life of mine ! I don't really have a lot to complain about and feel so bad for feeling like I do, she would be better off with someone else. I'm sick of crying day and night and any food I eat makes me want to vomit. So many times I have told my partner to take her away as I don't want her anymore, I'm not enjoying this one bit as these thoughts worry me that something bad will happen to her. I'm so confused ! Can anyone relate ? If so how did you overcome this ? I know I'm being selfish so im fully expecting an ear bashing.
Thanks in advance

I think that's my problem, her being unsettled is unsettling me, and vise versa !

She has reflux and has Aptamil anti reflux milk, Moses basket is propped up. I think when she is more settled I will relax more, maybe it's an age thing ? Thank you all for your replies, it's good to know I'm not alone, no thanks to my gp !

Personally aptimal didn't work for my dd - cow and gate was much better as it isn't so thick. It made such a difference and she changed literally overnight... You might think you're drowning OP but you'll float to the top soon - just keep going

The fact that her crying unsettles you shows that you are a good mum with all your instincts in place, it makes the best of us jittery when we can't soothe our babies, and reflux is a bitch. Will you book another GP appointment? And can your HV recommend any groups? Is there anyone who can take the baby while you just go out on a walk to clear your head? I don't want to harp on about slings if you don't feel they work for you, but they can take a bit of getting used to for both of you, and you need to get out & walk fast before the baby will settle in the beginning (last unsolicited sling comment).

trust me I went through this and it gets easier every month. I had really bad PND and I didn't seek help for it and wish I had in retrospect but am happy to say that now my two year old is sleeping through the night and we can have a conversation with him, it's eons easier and I feel like my old self again, it does happen!!

Ignore anyone who tells you parenting doesn't get easier (I believed them at first, and there were a few who said it!) - it really really does get easier, sooo much easier with time. And you will get your "me" time back too, in time! So don't panic.

Your hormones are going nuts and you're sleep deprived; a combination for feeling rubbish. Add to that the constant demands of motherhood and no wonder you are feeling terrible.

I didn't get that instant overwhelming loving feeling, it's something that came very slowly and it really came on when parenting became a bit easier (sleeping through, less hands on etc).

sounds like you might need some anti anxiety meds (I didn't take them but a friend has said they are her saviour).

get as much sleep as you can, and put off all non-essential tasks to do this. get help from friends / family / cleaners if you can so that you only have to do the parenting bit then use the rest of the time as 'you time' or sleep time. See if you can get someone to look after the baby while you take a bit of a walk or a nice shower. Make sure your partner is pulling his weight and doing some of the night time stuff!!

Seek professional help as it will really help you through.

You must believe people when they say it will get easier. Newborn babies cry, some a lot more than others, but it usually lasts for the first early months and then it will tail off. The newborn stage is hard but once the crying eases and you both settle into more of a routine you will get more time to yourself.

I struggled a bit to feel the overwhelming love when he was born, I would say it was more of a protective feeling, but every day since that love has grown, and now he is my beautiful little boy who is growing and changing so fast and it's a joy to watch.

The months will pass and you will get through this stage, and yes see a different GP or speak to the HV again if you need more support, that is what they are there for. Have faith that things will get better, honestly they will.

Hello OP,

I haven't read the whole thread so am probably repeating what many others have said. However, I feel it's important that you realise you're not alone. I have an almost 5-week old and am going through a very similar experience.

Here are some of the things that have helped me:

• I couldn't have survived without a carrier. It can take him an age to nap and I know if he doesn't sleep enough it'll just make him crankier. I try to settle him in the crib for 30 mins and failing that go for the carrier which always works even if he may cry hysterically for 10 mins first.
• Trying to get out everyday even if it's just for a walk to the shops or a coffee. I needed to have contact with other people and if he'd been really grisly all day the carrier and fresh air helped him sleep.
• Talking about it and admitting how you feel. I spent most of the first month in tears but talking to my SIL, fellow mums at baby group, mumsnet etc made me realise I wasn't the only one.
• Hand the baby over to someone else. There would be times my husband walked through the door from work and I practically threw the baby at him demanding he go out for an hour so I could have some me time.
• Reminding yourself that this will pass and it will get easier. Eventually we'll be able to reclaim parts of our old lives.

Finally, please seek professional help from your HV or GP if you need to.

Well done for getting to this stage. Don't be so hard on yourself and remember, it will get better x

How are you getting on Sas? Your thread hit a cord with me too and I felt the same way and I know loads of people do too. Having a new born can be so so difficult but not many people tell you so it's such a shock when it happens.
Any luck with your gp yet?

Aww you poor thing, I had a probably milder experience, took me so long to bond with my little one, and I was even breastfeeding!! It was so hard, I was actually crying & saying sorry to my hubby for ruining his life. I was missing my dog... It was so weird, but I'm one hell of a lot better now & im in a routine & have forgotten about my free life before. You'll get there, I promise you!! You're already an amazing mum & soon you won't remember what it was like without your DD ?? big hugs!

Not much to add. You definitely need to demand help and support from your professionals and they should be rushing to give it to you.

When I had similar struggles someone said "you have to give in to it [motherhood], you'll drive yourself potty if you try to resist". I don't know why, but those words helped me enormously. I did give myself to it completely for the time that required me to do so and it wasn't so very long until I could start reclaiming something of myself again.

You haven't wrecked your life, I promise.