PND or exhausted new mum?

[Neptune44]

DD is 5 weeks, have 6 wk check booked in 10 days but not sure if i need to speak to someone sooner...
Feeling weird all the time, just like nothing feels the same anymore, foggy, my home doesnt feel like mine - get sad when i think about how i used to feel when pg - is this a normal new mum feeling?? Felt the birth was a disappointment, (breech ELCS) felt so out of it and disconnected, didnt shed a tear but DH did makes me so sad and guilty feeling it haunts me. Left hosp far too soon as was feeling confident but was actually wired on meds, have HUGE regrets about this. Still struggling with bf, DD has shallow latch and takes one hour to feed every feed, i suspect she has upper lip tie but no one will listen as she is gaining weight (thankfully). The first 2 weeks she was feeding for 3-5 hours session constant. She wont settle inbetween feeds and is exhausted (me too) mostly due to me being on antibiotics i think, and bad latch?. Had mastitis at day 6 and wound infection last week so poor thing has had colitis symptoms for weeks, feel awful!! Also had lovely thrush. Some days i dread the next feed, been advised to 'keep practicing' latch, but have lost my enthusiasm as she just wont open wide and gets frustrated. Have had some awful nights of both being frustrated, feel we will never get there.
I am paranoid and worrying constantly that my family think iam being cruel by feeding her my milk whilst on antibiotics, they are like 'shes hungry, get some real food down her'. Lots of unsupportive comments not helping but i am struggling to block them out. I dont feel that she is my baby sometimes, she doesnt look like me and i get overwhelmed by the feeding. Feel sad that everyone gets gooey over her, whereas i feel stressed as constantly thinking/worrying about feeding, have had our moments though but its not what i expected it to be like. Will i ever snap out of this? Feel at my worse when i am really tired. Is this normal? I just want to enjoy my baby and feel sad that i have 'missed' the last five weeks in a way? Its strange. Is it worth persevering with bf over bonding with my DD? Have looked at the pnd symptoms but its so broad. Afraid to talk to anyone as fear that once i open up the tears will never stop! mentioned to HV that i get exhausted/down days, but they didnt seem concerned. Also, the baby blues were really bad for me. Anyone else experienced these feelings?

Didn't want to read and run....sounds like you've had/are having a tough time. Firstly I'd say it's pretty normal how you're feeling - you've been through a lot and being a new mum is hard. I felt a lot like you after my first and felt so guilty as everyone was telling me to enjoy it but I just wasn't...when ds1 was 2 weeks I remember really wanting to send him back!! I think people forget how hard it is or just have easier experiences. With my second I felt better because I didn't feel so guilty about not enjoying it as I knew there'd be a lot of times when it was just plain hard and I was just miserable but it does get better and it does get easier. Give yourself time and try not to beat yourself up - with motherhood comes a whole range of emotions - highs and lows and you are doing the very best that you can. Bubba is gaining weight and that is a fantastic achievement. I would speak to your GP though as there is a lot of help available and there's no need to suffer on your own. I had foggy brain on and off for months post partum (horrible isn't it?) then started taking low dose antidepressants for postpartum headaches and the foggy brain got loads better. Also bf is really hard, my two fed constantly pretty much for about 6 weeks but it does get easier and I had thrush (OUCH). Could you maybe contact a local NCT breast feeding counsellor or someone from La Leche League? If you look on line I'm sure there'd be someone to help. Or do you have a local bf session at a sure start centre? The midwives there are often fantastic. Remember too when other people go all gooey they're not the ones up all night with sore boobs! I hope you manage to get some help - there's lots out there and also trust me, you're not on your own with the way your feeling.

Sounds v similar to how I was with my first.
, even down to wound infection and mastitis! but after a few weeks everything seemed to settle down. Can you talk to dh or your mum and just let all the tears out? You'll feel much better afterwards!

It really doesn't help when we are sold the idyllic new mum view when pregnant - some do have it easier than others but many feel just how you do.

Fwiw I did persevere with bf and at about week 6 everything just seemed to click into place - there is no shame in ff if that's what works best for you - and you should feel no guilt about anything - it sounds like you have a lovely healthy baby who is gaining weight and you should be proud of that achievement.

Hang on in there!

Oh gosh, it sounds like you are having a very tough time.

I can only concur with what's been posted already.

1. your baby is gaining weight so yes, well done!!

2. have you thought about giving DD formula as well as breast milk? I know there can be a lot of guilt with giving up breastfeeding - I breastfed exclusively for over 2 years and it was hard hormonally-speaking - not sure why I did it for as long as I did except I felt too guilty too stop, especially as I knew DD got so much comfort out of it

3. at the very least, can you get someone to help so you can getore sleep? Exhaustion will account for a lot of this

4. do think about going to GP sooner. All of the above notwithstanding it does sound like PND and maybe there's some birth trauma in there, too. Or maybe a really good cry is what you need, and the GP can take it. Sounds to me like you're not telling the HV everything, hence their less than helpful advice.

Pls pls pls don't be afraid to ask for help. You had a difficult birth and very tough times with feeding - you can't help either of those things but there are things you can try to make things better now.

Take care of yourself. That's what your baby needs most.

Than you for the reassurance and advice saw the gp today and feel better after talking/crying it out with someone who isnt connected to me. Realised that i think i would benefit from post birth experience therapy of some sort, as looking back i can see i was in shock/struggled to bond. The bf issues have also hindered bonding i would say....pure frustration at times, but i am torn about what to do. Gp wants to see me again in a week to see how i am feeling about bf. LO gaining lovely weight, has settled down (treated for silent reflux!) and we are getting a bit more sleep the last few nights, but....i am just not enjoying it still and not getting that 'rush' of love as consantly stressing/anxious about feeds, and if this feeling continues then i dont want to continue bfing at the expense of my happiness (LO needs happy healthy mum) but...it is amazing stuff and i am lucky we can feed (with the help of shields) plus i have asthma and allergies and really really dont want her to have these, torn!! Wish i had a crystal ball so that i could see if the bf will get easier and not affect our bond and that the guilt of giving up will not follow me! Xx

I would really encourage you to try mix feeding... If your DD finds it easier then you will have some reassurance as far as food intake is concerned. And maybe if she has a little formula first then you try the breast, she will find it easier if she is less hungry?

Oh God. Yes those first few weeks of being a new mum. For some it's great, for some it's completely shit, please know how normal this is.

I agree with pp, exhaustion is the thing that can really push you over the edge, if you can get any help on getting more sleep, take it.

For what it's worth, I had Pnd with my first 2 and it does sound like to me that you might have some symptoms, but the fact that you've already been to your GP and are talking about your feelings is a really positive thing. If it does end up being that there is a wealth of support out there. The health services are much more on top of this these days.

The main thing is, forget the guilt! Take each day as it comes, hour by hour if necessary and remember that as long as your baby is gaining weight and healthy, the very next most important thing is you. Looking after yourself is the best thing you can do.