Not able to bond with baby boy

[Steph2468]

Hi,

I had my beautiful baby boy 7weeks ago and I just can't seem to get a bond with him. It was a planned pregnancy so I have always wanted him. But now that he's here I just can't seem to bring myself to 'love him like a mother' I do love him, its just like a sisterly love or a nephew love. It's killing me as I want nothing more to feel this surge of love for my boy. I've been to see my doctor & she has put me on tablets but I was just wondering if anyone here has any tips or advice to help me along the way & help me get this bond with my baby that I so desperately crave!

Thanks

I'm not an expert and you've been to see your doctor so that's good. I just wanted to say that I didn't get an instant surge of love with my first baby either - certainly not what I'd been led to expect. She was also very much planned and wanted, I had an easy pregnancy and birth, but it was almost an anti-climax. I did love her, but just as you have said - not this huge rush of love that I had been expecting. I think it takes time to get to know your first baby and it is a very over-whelming and exhausting time. I think there is also a feeling of the enormity of what you have done and a feeling of huge pressure to get everything right. In the end for me it was getting used to having her with me all the time, feeding her, changing her, learning how to soothe her, talking to her, looking at her until suddenly I realised I knew her so well and no one knew her as well as I did and she knew me too and gradually the love grew until it was the fiercest thing I could imagine and our bond couldn't be stronger. Funnily enough It was quite different when my son was born two years later - I did have an instant rush with him, but I think that was because all the maternal taps had been turned on by my dd and I was ready to go.

Congratulations Steph, don't worry, it's very normal to not feel it right away, sometimes it grows slowly. It is a shock once you end up at home with this baby, it's not the romantic ideal that is painted. Perhaps you might have a touch of the baby blues, antidepressants can take up to 8 weeks to start working.

What kind of birth did you have? Sometimes if it is difficult or traumatic that can really affect bonding.

Don't panic about not getting an immediate "rush of love" for your DS - it doesn't happen for many many new mums. Some of us get the "slow burning" type of bond, that takes a while to grow and develop. Neither one is better than the other, and both are totally typical.

As the PP has said, if you try not to focus on it, you'll realise that the bond is there and growing. You'll be insanely proud of his first roll over, or when he finds his hands/feet, when he giggles at you, when he beams at you as you pick him up. It'll come in time, it really will.

I was devastated not to feel that rush of love but honestly when they put my daughter on my chest after giving birth I felt nothing.
This kills me now to remember. She's nearly two now and oh my god I love her so much it hurts, but it wasn't instant.
Just relax and take one day at a time that special mummy love will come. And when it does it will take your breath away!

My birth was a normal delivery altho I had a 2nd degree tear which ended up infected, I then got a womb infection straight after & was basically house bound for 2weeks as I was too sore to walk anywhere. I find family doing a lot for me like feeding him, changing him etc so I've now got myself into the habit of passing him over to the closest person near me to do whatever needs done. I sometimes feel like just walking out of the house & not coming back. I know that's awful of me but I just can't see any happiness for me at the minute.

It might be an idea to say that just you feed him for now, in order to help with your connection. Your family shouldn't mind if it is to help you and he.

It's worth remembering that for the previous 9 months, your voice, heartbeat, breathing etc were all your DS knew. You are still the most important person to him as all these things are still a comfort to him. Try and hold him as much as you can (do you have a sling?) and maybe try skin to skin everyday to help that bond.

Thank you, I'll certainly try the skin to skin to see if that helps. My family know how I'm feeling at the minute & they are offering to take him for a few hours or over night to let me get some rest, I know they mean well & just want to help but I think that's making me worse them taking him all the time.

Not as many people "feel the rush of love" as you might think or have been sold on.
That you love him at all, care for him, is a start. Just doing the day to day caring for his every need is love. When you first meet a man, there may be lust, attraction, but love? Love takes time to grow - it needs nurturing and opportunity.
I started to love mine by about 4 months - I didn't dislike him but really he was a stranger and a pretty demanding one at that - it takes a while and it is far easier to love them when they are sleeping peacefully!

Maybe ask your family if they could do other things to help, like washing, cooking, sterilising, shopping etc? Or take him between feeds so you can rest but bring him back to you when he's hungry.

Thank you all, you's have been a great help & made me realise I'm not the only 1 going thru this. I'll take all advice on board & hopefully be feeling a little more 'motherly' sooner rather than later

I didn't feel a huge bond with DS until about ten weeks. It wasn't that I didn't love him, but I was kind of in shock, dealing with the huge change having a newborn brings.

Now sometimes when we're together I think my chest will pop from how much love I feel for him

My boy is 5mths and it's still hard to see there is a bond there with him, I know that I love him more than anything i've ever felt but from what I have read after birth I was in maternal shock for months after he was born and the shock I think affected this bond with him. It's one day at a time but as each day passes we are getting used to each other :-)

My boy is 18 months old now and I love him so much but I didn't bond with him for a long time. In all honesty, I didn't feel intense love for him until he was about 9 months old. I felt like there was something wrong with me but like you I got on the net and saw lots of people felt the same in the early stages. Once they start interacting and making you laugh they are so easy to fall in love with. Prior to this stage I just felt like a extremely exhausted milk machine whose life had been turned upside down. I remember feeling a lot better about things once he was 6 months plus. It will get better and you won't remember feeling like this. Going to baby sensory classes really helped me enjoy him. Do you have any classes by you?

Can I second all those posters who are recommending lots of skin to skin ? And I think you are absolutely tight in your instincts that your well meaning family and friends doing the tending for his practical needs thing isn't quite helping right now. I am sure they would be kind enough to switch focus to housework, cooking etc.

Two reasons I think changing those two things would have a big effect: skin to skin produces oxytocin in both baby and mother - the love/cuddle hormone, the hormone that triggers the rush of warm love. It's great for both of you. And the nappy changing and feeding etc, while on paper can seem wearying, can totally be part of it too - for the child those things can underpin anaclitic attachment (an eArly term, capturing how the satisfaction of basic needs is part of the attachment process - doesn't have to be to one person ), and can have a similar attaching process for the mother, especially the act of comforting the baby when distressed. There is apparently even some evidence (though I can't locate it right this second on my phone) that the act of soothing a distressed child actually modifies the caregiver neurological responses too - making them more attuned to baby.

I was admittedly one of the instant rush-of-love mothers and have stayed that way ever since, despite an emergency c section and v little sleep for two years because no family around to help :) - but it has been such bliss, it truly has, and I am pretty sure because of those two things above - it was pure chance though really because I didn't know anything about this at the time ! But as it happened we had non stop skin to skin practically for a week at the start and often after that, and I was doing the vast majority of the caring tending etc (the only other carer was my husband), and the two things together I really think explain why that first year was such a time of warm incredible close attunement. I was admittedly breastfeeding too so that may be part of it but I really think that just doing those two other things would be hugely effective: skin to skin and snaffling back some of the tending actions from well meaning family :) (though it is very kind they want to help)

Totally normal, you'll be a great mum, relax and you'll soon be besotted.