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Post-natal groups and feeling like I have lost myself

9 replies

JustMeBT · 20/05/2026 13:55

I know I'm the luckiest person in the world. I know that. And I'd never change it.

But can I just say- quietly, to people who might get it- I have absolutely no idea who I am anymore?

I came out of a job I loved, a social life I'd spent years building, a sense of myself I'd never really questioned... and walked straight into a world where my primary identity is Milk Machine, which I am doing. I am absolutely doing it. I am just also doing it while quietly wondering where the rest of me went.

Nobody warns you about the isolation. Not properly. They mention it, the way you mention traffic on a long drive, briefly, before moving on. They don't tell you it's the specific loneliness of being surrounded by people who love you, and still feeling like you've somehow become invisible, even to yourself.

I don't want my old life back. I just want to work out how to bring some of her - me - into this new one. And I genuinely don't know how to do that without it sounding like I'm ungrateful, or struggling, or not coping.

(For the record: I am coping. I think. My baby is fed and loved and doing that thing where they stare at ceiling fans like they contain the secrets of the universe.)

Has anyone found their way back to themselves? Or at least found a version they recognise? Would love to hear how.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
TuppenceM · 20/05/2026 14:13

How old is your baby?

It feels Like this now but with time… I promise you that you will start to feel much more yourself. The same? No, but with extra positives and probably a few negatives too!

Blauehortensie · 20/05/2026 14:26

It sounds like very early days for you. It's a complete shift in identity. As previous poster said, give it time. Life gradually gets easier and you can think about yourself and your identity again because right now you're in survival mode.

Mine are now 3 and 5 and with sleep back, no nappies and some time to myself here and there, I can think of my own needs a bit more again, rather than being 24/7 running around after little ones with no breathing space.

JustMeBT · 20/05/2026 14:39

Thanks - she's 6m now - I think this might be the more honest question - have you found a place/thread/group/blog etc that genuinly helped you find a version of yourself you didn't expect but quite like anyway?

Because I don't think I'm looking for "you'll get yourself back" anymore. I'm not even sure I want the exact old version of me. I just miss feeling like a person sometimes, not just a function.

I'd love to know the tiny things that helped. Not the huge transformations - the real things. The first coffee alone. Joining a baby group. Starting a hobby again. Going for a walk with no podcast and no purpose. Finding your people. Saying no to things. Therapy. Exercise. Creating something. What actually shifted something for you?

And while I'm here and admitting things- I think I've been slightly unfair to the internet. Because yes, there's a lot of online noise. But scrolling past questionable advice is still considerably easier than escaping an in-person conversation with someone who has Very Strong Opinions about your baby, your feeding choices, your sleep schedule, your return to work, your everything, or the family member who does the raised-eyebrow thing every single time I make a different choice to theirs. (You know the eyebrow. We all know the eyebrow.)

Maybe I just want a better filter from others on this journey: The places, people, communities, accounts, books, groups - whatever helped you find the genuine stuff without having to wade through quite so much of the other kind first.

Would genuinely love to hear the real how. Not the highlight reel.

OP posts:
TuppenceM · 20/05/2026 14:40

have you found a place/thread/group/blog etc that genuinly helped you find a version of yourself you didn't expect but quite like anyway?

No.

Time.

Floppyearedlab · 20/05/2026 14:40

Plan your return to work. Get your identity back.

halotweetttt · 20/05/2026 14:42

Hi just wanted to say my baby is nearly 6months and I get it! Don’t know what the wear what to talk about etc anymore. No interest in much don’t even know what I enjoy anymore. I don’t find mum groups very inclusive somehow everyone seems to already have their tribe and im
never quite in on it…

halotweetttt · 20/05/2026 14:45

One thing have have found so helpful this time is staying away from People that make me feel less than as a mum. I haven’t put myself under so much pressure to see certain people and have found it a bit freeing this time…
now just need some mum mates!!!!

DemonsandMosquitoes · 20/05/2026 14:55

This is why I went back to work pt at four and five months each time. Instantly felt 100% better. No regrets 23 years on.

ImFineItsAllFine · 20/05/2026 15:26

I went back to work FT at the end of mat leave.

I spent some time trying to find a 'new me' and concluded that what I really wanted was as much of the 'old me' as I could manage with young DC.

I really struggled with baby groups/buggy walks/coffee dates. Mine are at school now and while I chat at the school gates when I'm there, I don't really have close 'mum friends'.

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