Bonding with baby/feelings vent

[PlumpHobbit]

I'll preface this by saying I hate that i feel this way, and feel like a bad mum for the poor chap, due to feeling this way. Fortunately husband has definitely bonded with him. I'm also aware lots of people who can't have children would love to be in this position, again another reason I feel guilty

Baby is now nearly 4 weeks old and im really struggling to bond with him. I feel I'm just a milk vessel, which is feeding him (unsure how much as we are topping him up with formula after each feed, following midwife advice, as unsure how much he's getting off me). It feels like we are in a fairly monotonous cycle of feed, poo it out, now hungry again due to feed being in nappy, etc. I'm lucky he's good at latching, but feel I don't enjoy breastfeeding, it's not this magical moment. I've toyed with stopping, but then feel guilty as he's not getting the long list of benefits of breastfeeding that were listed on the antenatal group presentation on breastfeeding. I feel i shouldn't be stopping just for my convenience if it's reducing his benefit. I feel I'm struggling to drink enough to sustain it.

I feel ill enjoy it more when he can start to interact, such as smile, laugh etc. Was around a toddler earlier and while I know how intense that stage is, it felt much more rewarding as she was interacting and getting enjoyment out of the activities she was doing. Whereas newborns just sort of... lie there or sleep or cry, or feed or need changing. Again I feel bad for thinking that and I get guilt when his eyes are open and I feel I'm a bad mum for not enjoying him

I'm lucky DH has been very helpful and taken on a lot of the care, but he's back at work this week after 2 weeks paternity followed by 2 weeks annual leave and I feel I'm absolutely dreading it. He mostly wfh with some days in the office. He's said he will help when he can, but I can't see that will be able to happen, and I would probably rather just treat it as he's not there, than ask and him say no as I know in my rather ott mind atm, it'll upset me
He took my car for a drive the other day, as it hadn't moved since my planned c section. In that hour, I spent it feeding baby, changed the nappy, got a poo explosion all over the mat, just as I was about to put new nappy on, fed again, another change was needed, this time he peed everywhere again just as we were nearly home and dry with putting the new nappy on! DH arrived home just as i was finishing, and asked how it went, cue more bloody tears from me!

I'll have days where I feel fine, then randomly start crying, big ugly tears! A big trigger is someone asking "are you ok" whereupon the tears will erupt instantly. It happened in front of the health visitor, and nearly in front of DH relative yesterday, especially as she then said some really kind things. Again it's probably because deep down, I'm not OK some of the time, but I hate that I feel like that, and feel I need to pull myself together and get on with things!!

I think I'm struggling with broken sleep, while I'm getting the recommended number of hours, as im basically writing off the morning and me and baby go back to sleep after hes fed and changed, waking up in the middle of a dream is brutal. Especially if he then won't go back down, and we cycle through the reasons for an hour. Last night, it took 2 hours. DH has been doing the wake ups with me, but I can't see this being able to continue when he's back at work

Has anyone else felt like this? I hate that i feel this way and feel really bad for baby that his mother is a bit useless! I almost miss my old life, but again feel bad for saying that as baby was planned and wanted - i believe deep down I do love him as I'd be devastated if anything happened to him, I'm just feeling very overwhelmed.

I found the first 3 months horrific. Baby was basically a potato (smiling helped a bit, so after she started doing that it got a bit better, but still only one step up from a potato) and it was like having the world's worst tamagotchi. I felt duty but no love, felt desperate, felt like I was dissolving. When people took her away to give me a break I dreaded her coming back, I was disassociated from her crying, I only had brief flashes of enjoying her.

She's 5 months in a week and I now think she's the absolute best thing in the world.

I really really promise it gets better.

Thank you! That is EXACTLY how I feel, right down to the feeling disassociated by him crying! The crying goes right through me (the way they go from furrowed face to full volume especially!) And I don't even enjoy the cuddles, and like you, dread when I'm handed him back - i feel i do things out of duty, rather than love (then feel bad as I don't feel the love!)

Glad to hear it gets better, I'm hoping once he becomes more like a person than a potato (that needs a lot of tending) it'll help a lot

The newborn stage is shit tbh. I never enjoyed it like others seemed to. I overheard a woman with a newborn the other day saying how much she love it and she’d just keep having newborns if she could. I just don’t get that. It’s relentless and hard work. That said you’ve probably got a bit of post natal depression. I had it bad with my first and cried every day. I do think it was linked to the breastfeeding as I only did it for 3 days with my second and was a whole lot better mentally in the early months. I don’t know the science behind it but one of the midwives said to me that some women are more sensitive to the hormones from pregnancy, birth and then the breastfeeding. Made sense to me. As for bonding, it’s not always immediate. With my second, I felt like she was someone else’s baby. I actually got re admitted back into hospital with sepsis and they asked me if I wanted her in with me and I said no! Told myself at the time it was because I felt too ill to look after her but actually I think I wanted an escape. The bonding happened eventually and dh hardly got a look in. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Right there with you OP, I also have a 4 week old! I feel like my life is subject to the whimd of a tiny dictator! What I've found really helps is just getting out of the house and into the fresh air. Baby pretty much just sleeps outside in the pram, and as you're breastfeeding, there's no faff with bottles and formula. We've visited a few national trust sites and I've fed him whilst enjoying a scone, we've also been to the zoo and gardens. You can enjoy yourself and have a break from the monotony of the feeding cycle.

Had to reply to this - I have 3 now (7,6 and 3 now) and I had PND with my first. It wasn’t severe but I only got diagnosed with it when baby was 4 months because I felt exactly the same as you and didn’t talk to anyone about it. Finally went to the GP after deciding it might be PND.

The newborn stage is relentless, exhausting and becoming a parent is such a huge, life changing shock. However, once I got support (ADs (low dose) were brilliant and had some talking therapy), I suddenly felt myself again after a few months. I think you know in yourself when it’s more than just being exhausted and not enjoying the newborn stage….no harm in chatting to the GP.

Second two newborn stages, I was just as shattered but not low at all, and, dare I say, enjoyed parts of it!

Anyway, always talk to whoever you can talk to, and it gets so much easier and so much better! You’re doing amazingly!

Oh and please please do not feel like a bad mum. I had horrendous guilt with my first and was terrified that he would ‘know’ that I wasn’t bonding with him. I didn’t have that rush of love with him that I’d heard about in books or others had talked about. I did bond with him but it took time. Similarly, I never had the rush of love with my second two either and despite finding those newborn stages easier, it still took me a bit of time to bond. That is totally normal! You have nothing to feel guilty about…4 weeks is nothing. I also remember searching for Mumsnet threads to know that I wasn’t the only one feeling so Iow, not enjoying my baby, not bonding with my baby, feeling overwhelmed with how my life had changed, grieving for my old life…you name it. Sending you big solidarity and nothing to lose by booking a GP appointment!

I think people who say they love it have angel babies that sleep all of the time. My first didn't even do the sleepy stage after birth. He was alert from the moment he was born; even the staff commented on how "spirited" he was. I breastfed, and he was a "snacker," meaning I would feed him, dh, and I would sit down to eat our dinner just after, then crying again because he wanted fed during it, I swear he knew! In hindsight I wish I'd formula fed. BF dc1 for 6 months, and it ruined the whole time. It took ages to come in and then when it did, mastitis and he wouldn't take a full feed, meaning I was feeding twice the amount of times, having to pump milk, which took an eternity as well. It still makes me shudder thinking back.

My second was formula fed, and took full feeds, it was great, and loved knowing how much milk had etc. I honestly looked back and wish I had have ff the first, even if I was making lots of bottles up, at least dh could have done some feeds. I enjoyed bottle feeding dc2, he enjoyed his feeds so much; that tommee tippee perfect prep was a godsend! Bfeeding dc1 was a living nightmare. I honestly had much nicer moments bottle feeding, I was a nervous wreck trying to be superhuman with dc1, and I'm sure he picked up on it.

Dc1 is 8 now, and honestly a joy; it gets better! Formula is not the devil's milk, it's fine. Happy healthy Mum equals happy healthy baby. Fed is best, I wish to god I could go back and give my first time Mum self a good shake, invest in the prep machine, and return the pump! I felt like having a burning ceremony for the damn think, but ended up selling it on ebay!

They both had silent reflux too, and screamed the house down until we got the right meds.

Op I sympathise. Do what makes this time easier for you, and baby. I am much preferring the time now they're interesting lovely little people. I do want to cuddle them as newborns, and look back at photographs in absolute pure love, but would I want to be back there? Not a chance on earth. I found the toddler stage easier with dc1, more difficult with dc2. No two are alike.

Honestly when you're in it, it feels like an absolute eternity, then you blink and they're 8 when you emerge from the fog!

Ah OP I can totally relate! Mine are 5 and 3 now, and I hated the newborn period with both of them. With the first, I felt like there must be something horribly wrong with me - thought I was supposed to be "soaking in the cuddles" and "enjoying every minute" but actually I was resenting the constant feeding and touching. The breastfeeding was so painful and I remember crying to DH, "all he ever does is hurt me!". I went through all the motions of caring for him, including cooing at him, stroking his face, telling him how much I loved him... but deep down I was terrified of how I really felt: numb and trapped, and occasionally full of rage. It was covid so I didn't access any help, but in hindsight I think I probably did have PND.
When he turned 4 months, we started to turn a corner. And by 6 months I was besotted. With DD, it was similar but not as traumatic as I knew that a) it didn't represent some terrible failing in either me or her and b) it was temporary.
You're not alone. The first few months are really hard. But it does get better ❤️

I didn't bond with my first until he was about 3 months old. I loved him in a "I want to protect you and keep you safe way" but all those things people told me I would feel, I didn't. I ended up finding out I had ppd.

I'm now sitting at the end of that child's bed while I'm writing this. He's already asleep but I sit here a while, always. He's 7. And I love the bones off him.