Struggling with newborn

[Claree11]

Hi everyone. First time Mum here, I don’t want any judgement or negative comments please I’m just looking for some advice.

ive had a beautiful baby who is only a couple of months old. But I’m struggling massively with the huge life style change which I expected but didn’t think I’d struggle. My day job is working with babies so I thought I’d be a bit more prepared for what was to come. I had a c section and obviously the first few days/week is incredibly tough I was SO sore and struggled to get in and out of bed and had no sleep. Everyone was messaging to come over and meet the baby and when I asked people to give us more time to settle I was accused of “stopping” family members from meeting my baby. I couldn’t stop crying and felt awful which probably didn’t help due to hormones. Everyone came around on different days and times and my baby was just being passed around and he didn’t like it and kept crying and I could hardly function due to no sleep. It gave me severe Anxiety with everyone giving advice and telling me I’m not feeding him enough or I need to swaddle him. It upset me massively. Over the next few weeks my health visitor said my baby has colic. It’s hard some days he will cry for hours on end. He’s been burped, nappy changed, full feed but nothing calms him. It’s taking its toll massively on me especially as he only sleeps being held. No matter what I do to put him in his crib he loses it and cries to the point his throat is sore which I can’t allow. I can’t get anything done around the house, even showering, getting ready, sterilising bottles is a task as he screams so intensely. I absolutely HATE going out in public. The thought of him crying hysterically out and I’m struggling to calm him makes me panic just thinking about it. Also the milk situation and nappy situation out in public panics me as he screams during both of those times too. I feel I’m just stuck in the house scared to go out, hate people coming over, can’t get anything done, can’t sleep properly as I have to hold him for ages. I’m just feeling so down. I love him with all of my heart but it sounds bad sometimes I miss my old life? I miss being able to just get up when ever I want, make easy plans, make my dinner etc.. I wouldn’t change him for the world but I miss how easy my life was before. I just don’t know how to get past these feelings? Anyone help?

There’s nothing going on here that isn’t outside the realms of normal motherhood. If you’re not coping to this extent would you consider professional help?

I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling OP xxxxxx having a new baby is so hard and it’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed and to miss your old life. Do you have a supportive partner? It’s a good idea to consider professional help if you feel like you aren’t coping, but also things will improve as your baby gets older and you will sleep again. It will get better! xxxxx

that sounds tough. It will get easier each day. I had some similar things when my baby was little. I found I needed support from family and friends. And my partner. And I needed a good night of sleep. Your gp can refer you if you think it might be post natal depression. Good luck

That sounds really rough OP. Can you try and get out and about even for short walks? I know it’s hard when they are crying and you feel people are judging you, but they really aren’t - everyone is focussed on themselves!

Probably get flamed but have you tried a dummy also not sure if ive missed it but is he breast or bottle fed.

You seem to be quite scared of other people's reactions to your baby crying. Try to remember that baby's cries sound extra intense to you - to other people it's just a crying baby, no big deal. Is there a local playgroup or similar you could go to to meet other parents? It might be helpful to you to hear that lots of people have had babies who cry a lot

Unhelpful. ‘Normal’ motherhood can be draining, exhausting, intensely emotional and you are absolutely not going through any of this by yourself OP.
I had postnatal depression and after getting better, wondered who wouldn’t have felt overwhelmed after a difficult birth and long-term sleep deprivation like you are also experienced. Are you breast-feeding or on the bottle? Would recommend a dummy to help sooth if you’re not doing this already. Try to sleep when your baby does and can a partner do some night feeds?

Really sorry to hear you're going through this. Sounds like you're pretty alone too, do you have a partner who can try and take some of this off your plate? Even just to walk baby outside for some fresh air or to tell people to go away.
I second a dummy. And also buy Ewan the dream sheep, my breastfed boy wanted to be in my arms constantly, but ewan emits a soft red light and makes heartbeat/mothers womb noises to help soothe the baby. My son is 2 and still has him for bed, absolutely loves it. And it saved my life in those early weeks. Sending hugs x

Have you maybe tried one of those wraps so you can strap baby to your front? Will leave you hands free and might be calming for him? Might be worth a try occasionally around the house. But having a baby strapped to you can get a bit hot and sweaty 🙃

I personally hated people giving unwanted advice, still do. Every baby is different. Those early baby days are harder as you can't always think straight in a sleep deprived state, and articulate/advocate for yourself rationally. For me, I was expressing as baby wouldn't latch and I had family members trying to take baby off me and send me alone to another room to express. Crazy. And even more crazy as initially I let myself be emotionally blackmailed into it to hand baby over.

You've got this. Trust your instincts.

I loved being out in nature/cinema baby screenings. But if you're more comfortable at home initially, don't force yourself into being out.

The best thing I read was that babies don't necessarily prevent you from doing things/having a social life; you just adapt to doing things differently by socialising during the day.

And pre baby a 6 hour sleep would leave me destroyed. After having a baby a 6 hour sleep is the dream. And when it finally comes, you are going to feel amazing. And that day will come. Even one good sleep is a game changer. You've got this.

Look into cranial osteopathy for the crying. I was at my wits end with my DD crying for what appeared no apparent reason - but I’ve never believed that babies cry ‘just because’, there’s always a reason in my eyes.

DD was also born via c section and the osteopath said she had tension in her head, diaphragm and stomach as was ‘born’ too quickly by not having a natural birth. Something to do with the atmospheric pressure differences in and out of the womb. Poor thing was obviously not comfortable and was crying trying to tell me.

Only took two sessions at £40 each and the difference was like night and day. The night after the first session she was still as bad, but the next morning she woke like a different baby. So much happier and had less trouble burping to get rid of the gas which was a big issue before.

I think it saved me and my partner in those early days - it was putting a lot of tension on our relationship as hearing your baby cry constantly is just not nice. Honestly if you can afford it it’s worth the try.

Shes so much happier, which makes me happy but we are by no means perfect and have new issues to deal with. I find it hard to get out and about - bf and naps being my bug bears - and definitely miss the freedom of doing what I want whenever. I also hate DD being passed around and being made to perform like a show pony by getting her to smile or laugh for said people. Luckily she learnt to cry as soon as she’s passed to certain people so that draws that to a close pretty quick!

Hi Op. You sound just like me several years ago. My first baby’s scream was just so piercing it set my nerves on edge. I went on to suffer from post natal depression. My GP was really supportive though and my mother in law was helpful and looked after the baby for me to give me a break. Hang in there. You will get through this 💐

Eh? A baby crying constantly as OP describes isn't standard.

And as PP says, the first 2 months are exhausting!

But i agree it's worth exploring some perinatal mental health support.

A sling is a great idea, OP. Is your baby gaining weight well, what's the nappy output like? How is feeding?

I had a similar experience with my eldest. Terrible colic. Crying for hours. Exhausted and depressed.

Couple of simple things to try (if you haven't already):

• Dummy! Fab at this age. All three of mine have had them when tiny. Massive help for unsettledness and sleep.
• Velcro swaddle wrap. Big help for settling and sleep.
• A good baby carrier. I like the ergo embrace. Very snug and very easy to wear.

If no help then also talk to doctor about dairy free formula or reflux meds.

Hopefully by 12 weeks things may settle down. It does get better, I promise.

You’re not wrong to feel the way you do OP, your relatives have not been supportive. You don’t mention of you have a partner who can shoulder more if the domestic burden? Those first few months, your focus should be keeping the baby alive and other people should be taking the domestic load for you.

I agree with others that your own baby sounds a million times louder to you than it does to the general public, and we’ve all been there, imagining our baby is drawing attention from people. I promise you the most you’ll get is sweet old couples saying “We’ve been there” and telling you how fussy their son was as a baby.

@Claree11oh it's so tough lovely. I was the same with my first (who is now 3), the adjustment was more than I could have thought possible, I even had to plan how to go and have a wee as she'd cry! I also now have her 2 month old sister lying on me sleeping so I'm with you there. Just a few thoughts:

1. People passing your baby round quite rightly can send us a bit loopy during the initial stages. We're strongly programmed not to let them out of our physical touch, always feel able and empowered to ask for them back. I came up with a codeword with my husband for when I'd have enough and he'd basically ask people to leave!

1. Some babies really (and boy do I know this) don't like being put down. A sling is your best friend, I got one from a brand nujell - it's pre wrapped and you pop it on like a jumper. If he is really uncomfortable lying down in a pram etc do look into reflux, their digestion is so rubbish and he may be uncomfortable. Don't be put off by someone saying it's not if that's the only symptom, it can be silent reflux. Also, if breastfeeding try cutting out a milk - a common cause of misery for them when so little

1. No one bats an eyelid if your baby cries in public (but again, I'd look into whether he's uncomfortable with reflux in any case). It sounds so much more intense to us I assure you.

1. As someone else said, try an osteopath, it can really help if they're tensed up from birth etc. they can help relieve gas too.

1. I really encourage finding some "mum friends" nearby via groups. Quite often people create mum groups on Facebook we etc. mentally we need the support of those going through the same.

1. Sleep deprivation is the utter pits. It does get better, particularly if being uncomfortable is at play. Have you tried co sleeping? I had to with my first and it made the difference.

Everything will look better in a few weeks but if you are continuing to struggle mentally do reach out to your GP xx

Hi everyone thanks for the comments I appreciate it! Unfortunately it’s gotten worse! He does have a dummy but will shake his head vigorously from side to side 80% of the time as he doesn’t want it. He is now screaming intensely more each day. Up to 8-9 hours daily. Doctors have told me it’s colic and he will grow out of it but to me there’s something more here. He is formula fed and takes 3-4oz every 3-4 hours. Reducing and upping his feeds made no difference! Doctors have tried me on dairy free formula but this made no difference ! He farts a lot and poos every other day and strains for a poo, but even after a poo his still not happy. His now started grunting during feeds and when he ks asleep (which isn’t a lot lol). Some people are saying reflux but doctors have told me colic. Feel I’m still going a little insane 🥲

Good to hear how you're getting on OP and solidarity! 😀
Have you tried Infacol? It did help with my baby, it dissolves the bubbles in the milk, could be worth a try.
Could he be lactose-intolerant or something like that? I'm not an expert but it does sound like there is something extra going on there if he is crying so much and irritable like you say.

Have you tried babywearing? How does he respond?

@Claree11this sounda so tough for you all. If the GP isn't being much help maybe try going private to see a dietician or paediatrician. He really shouldn't be that upset for so long - don't be told it's okay xx

Just also thought, might be worth giving colief a try? Helps them break down the lactose while their digestion adjusts.

@Claree11 , how are you getting on?

I'm also a first time Mum and can relate to everything you're saying! Sometimes it helps if I try to imagine, whilst I sit up breastfeeding my baby in the early hours of the morning, all the other Mums up with their babies too. You're not alone, especially in your feelings. Missing your old life is totally normal and not something to feel guilty about, your life has just changed so massively, so suddenly. The newborn phase is such a fleating time in your life and you will look back one day and think "wow that was insane and I survived it".

For the colic, have you tried any of the drops such as Kendamil? Or gripe water?

I also have a velcro baby that we couldn't ever put down but recently we've tried the 'Pick up Put down technique' and it seems to be working slowly. Also the Love to dream swaddle has been a great help.

Keep going, you're doing amazing ❤️