Home after emergency and feeling dismissed by gp

[Bohun]

I’m a FTM with a four week old who just got out of hospital I’m not really sure how best to proceed.

We were in hospital after baby contracted a UTI and eventually sepsis.

Baby had a fever so we took him to the gp. Gp took his temperature and assessed the baby and told us that it was likely just a bug. Temperature continued to rise so we decided to take him to accident and emergency.

We spent one night under close observation at our hospital and in the morning baby was transferred to PICU at another hospital.

He was intubated, given a catheter and feeding tube. He was at this hospital just under 24 hours and we were transferred back to our home hospital and placed under observation for three more nights before being allowed to return home but continue to return to hospital for blood pressure/ heart rate monitoring and antibiotic injections for three more days.

The hospital will be running tests to see what the cause of the UTI was given how young he was to have contracted it in the first place as well as any long term damage to his kidneys. Our first test will be in about six weeks when the baby has finished the course of antibiotics and recovered.

As a ftm I have been worried about the transition back to life outside the hospital. Our only experience with our baby has been missing a medical issue that deteriorated catastrophically so the advice to newborn mums of “just keep them alive and you’ll be fine” actually feels a bit outside of my capabilities right now.

My main source of support pre birth (my mother) is unfortunately no longer speaking to us as she blames me for what happened to the baby and my mother in law unfortunately passed away a few years ago and most of my friends don’t have children, so we don’t have many people/ mothers in particular to lean on and get advice.

Because of this I decided to book a gp appointment with the view to getting some simple questions answered. Maybe if there was anything we needed to know about the after effects of being intubated, perhaps an introduction to some resources and advice about how to proceed with getting back on track after the baby lost so much weight and how we could support his development and mental health (I know he’s only little but I think he remembers more than people think- he has been having seriously adverse reactions to the sound of the rustling aprons the nurses wear for example as I think he associates it with the pain of injections/ the multiple failed attempts to insert a cannula into his teeny tiny veins). I also don’t actually still really know what happened in layman’s terms and was maybe hoping for a debrief and explanation of what the baby went through with less medical jargon which a gp might be more suited to than the consultant at the hospital.

So I was quite disappointed and distressed to find that the gp had decided to dismiss us from the very beginning of our appointment. I think, reading our notes she had assumed I wanted answers as to what happened to cause the UTI and refused to discuss this and said the consultant the hospital should be our first point of call.

After this, all of my questions were dismissed. I was told to “trust my intuition”( I don’t have one) look out for any changes to baby’s behaviour (we don’t know yet if the baby was ever actually well so that’s not helpful) was told about a website run by another county about symptoms of illness, and advised to weigh the baby once a week with the Heath visitor. Not necessarily bad advice but the curt response and generally dismissive tone really upset me. I think if the doctor had done something as small as give the baby a once over and said he was looking good I would have felt a bit better. In my frustration I did point out that if we had gone on the advice of the gp surgery then things could have been much worse, so perhaps they owed us the time of day on how to support him in the aftermath. Obviously that was a bad idea. Dismissive turned to defensive so the gp clammed up even further and there was no going back.

I am now unsure whether I have got the role of the GP completely wrong. Was I expecting too much ? Is there another branch that is better suited to give this advice? A midwife? A health visitor? The hospitals?

similarly does anyone have a similar experience and can share how they transitioned from hospital/ offer any advice and any resources they found useful?

Sorry I think YABU, the GP won't know the specifics of your babys hospital stay. Save your questions for the 6 week appointment you mentioned, your HV will also be able to answer questions on caring for your baby.

Your instincts, and you do have them, was what made you seek help last time, even when the GP said it was bug.

It must have been very scary, I don't want to diminish your feelings on that in any way, Hope your baby is doing much better now

Fair enough. I’m still not sure what anyone’s role is or where to go for help.

Six weeks feels like such a long time to wait- longer than the baby has been alive.

Your mother blames you for what happened. What on Earth is her reasoning behind that?

I'm sorry to hear about all of this. It's very clear to me that you do have instincts, as you got baby to AandE promptly shortly after the GP said it was just a bug as you knew it was getting worse!
The GP is bound to be defensive but if you want additional support I'd speak to your health visitor.
But I think you're going to do great, just one thing at a time after baby's hospital stay.
You're honestly doing a great job already just try to look forwards from this x

How sad that the first reply to such a heartfelt post is YABU.

It must have been a really frightening experience OP. You sound very alone with it all.

I'm so sorry that your baby and you went through this. It must have been so worrying. Sadly I don't think the GP could help because medically everything is on hand but I do understand your need for support, potentially from HV (although they are much reduced now) and family.

Your mum's reaction seems extremely strange and very uncaring as this is the time when you need help now. Why is she blaming you?

Do you belong to any baby & mum groups? If online groups might help -especially those where babies have been in medical care.

Btw, do trust your instincts, you did the right thing to take your baby to A&E.

You don’t have to wait until 6 weeks to see your health visitor OP, you can call them and they can usually send someone out the same day.

The GP won’t know the details of the hospital visit like the consultant did so I’d reach out to the hospital with any queries about that x

Kindly, yabu. The GP acted in good faith based on the symptoms they saw in front of them. You had the instinct because you sought more help when it was clear your baby was getting worse.

You've had a very traumatic experience. This is no one's fault. Your baby was poorly, and you acted.

In terms of development and mental health. Talk to your baby, soothe and reassure. Keep them close and hearing your heartbeat.

I have no words for your mother. If this his her normal modus operandi, I'm not surprised you are struggling. You've probably grown up with her awful behaviour without realising, and now the after effects are being seen with your own parenting. Consider therapy for you around that relationship.

Oh bless you that sounds like such a stressful and worrying time.

As pp you do have instincts and in time you will feel more confident. Being a first time parent is so scary and daunting even more so after everything you have been through.

Unfortunately the Gp wouldnt have been able to answer your questions are they are very specific, are you still under the consultant? They would be the ones to ask those questions too. You can also ask for a debrief from the hospital which might help you process.

While the gp could have been a bit more sympathetic theres not much she could have done.
I always think of it as gps diagnose conditions, pharmacist's are very good with in depth knowledge about drugs and how they affect the body. And health visitors are good for general baby knowledge

I hope that helps im some way, these babies are hard with no manual and even though you dont think you are you are doing amazingly

Do you have a partner for support?

I really think the support you are expecting, doesn't really exist. Apart from perhaps some online groups.

I'd have spoken to parents at baby groups or the HV if I was really worried.

I'm so sorry that you went through this. Seeing your newborn baby so ill and bring in the hospital I'd scary and traumatic. My dd was poorly as a baby and it took me years to get over it, I was hypervigilant for a long time afterwards. It will have been traumatic for your baby too. At the very least your gp could've acknowledges this and offered support.

Some info here https://www.newcastle-hospitals.nhs.uk/services/great-north-childrens-hospital/childrens-health-psychology/resources/coping-when-your-child-is-ill-and-in-hospital/#:~:text=Your%20child%20being%20in%20hospital,normal%20to%20experience%20trauma%20symptoms.

Thank you. I see now my misconception about the role of the gp (like a family practitioner) was to blame. Thank you for outlining how I should think of all the services

Agreed that this sounds like a terrifying experience and you are not wrong in wanting to understand more.

Can the hospital help with a debrief? I know you can request one to talk about birth. I wonder if there’s something similar. I don’t know who you’d ask though

and yes, you’d hope that a GP would be able to extend some general health related information particularly to reassure and help you in the aftermath but I’ve never found a single gp who is much good for anything.

Poor hygiene practices and lack of care.

We have been reassured that’s not the case and I know that I did my best to keep the baby clean and changed.

I know the problem is on her end and she needs to work on it but it still means I’m without her at the minute.

Honestly dont blame yourself you are are just finding your feet and working stuff out. The Gp could have nicely said to you that is wasnt her area and sign posted you to the right places.
Sadly i have found gps are either very good with mums or are dismissive. I get it they are very stretched and its a hard job but i have found even a tiny bit of support goes a long way

Theres really not that much support for new mums you are just left to your own devices, though health visitors can really help if you have a good service near you. If you listen to podcasts at all have a look at Motherkind by Zoe blaskey she is trying to build a network to support mums and help us with all the changes we could through as mothers. Its really helped my confidence as a mother. She has also written a book if you dont

Sorry for the plug, i just dont want you to feel alone

Also re your mother thats bollocks and shes very very wrong in no way was it your fault

Oh bless you. You did so well getting your baby to hospital. I'm sorry that your GP wasn't more supportive.

I had no instincts either. It's so stressful when you keep being told to use them. Mnet was my salvation. It's here 24/7 and you can always test out questions and get encouragement or info. Best of luck.

Sorry to hear you have had a tough time OP. Unfortunately as others have said, the GP won’t have had the time for the discussion you needed but I agree it is important to try and get it elsewhere. Lots of good suggestions made. Could you perhaps afford some counselling to debrief this difficult transition to motherhood, if a debrief isn’t available from the hospital?

You did a great thing in getting your baby to hospital so promptly. Over time I think you will realise that you acted on your own knowledge and instincts, and that you had these even though you are so new to parenthood. To second others, your mother is absolutely in the wrong. There’s nothing you could have done to cause a UTI in such a young baby (I am a health professional). It’s clear from your posts that you are completely focused on your baby’s needs and I’m sure that means you’re looking after them just as you should.

I'm glad you don't think you've caused this, I forgot to say in my post earlier, 100% not your fault. Its a shame your mum is badly misinformed though when you could really do with the support

Where (which county) are you @Bohun ? There is a fab service in Norfolk which would be what you are looking for but I'm not sure if there is an equivalent elsewhere.
I am so sorry for what you went through. I had a very poorly baby hospitalised (in our case suspected meningitis) so I can understand how frightening and lonely it is and how you doubt your own abilities.
Having a baby is hard, especially with very little support network.
Health visitors are probably your best port of call and will often arrange to come and see you within a couple of days. There is also usually great post natal mental health support too which may be of help.
It is hard, because when you feel vulnerable it is difficult to reach out for support and be rejected but it is just about finding the right avenue. We also have here a family hub support team who go round the local libraries offering weekly support/advice/signposting. I promise there is help out there, it is just not always immediately obvious where is best. I hope your little one is ok x

GP here, OP. I'm sorry you've had such a traumatic experience - it's very frightening for such a young baby to be seriously ill like that, and I can understand your anxiety about having him home again. Sorry also that you felt your GP didn't have much to offer in terms of a debrief.

It's been said already, but just to reiterate - you did not cause your baby's UTI. Your mum is completely wrong here.

Mostly in these cases you don't need to do anything 'extra' as such except for being extra vigilant and seeking early medical attention if your baby becomes unwell. Any temperature 38 degrees or higher in a baby under 3 months old needs A&E assessment. Loss of appetite, vomiting and lethargy are other signs to watch out for. Otherwise, feed him to appetite, cuddle him lots. Contact the health visitor and ask if she can weigh him and have a general chat.

In term of finding out more about what happened during his admission, it's best to wait until his OPD appointment and ask the team then - they will have all his medical notes in front of them.

You sound like a great mum, and he will be fine. Much love to you all

Can you lean in with other mums? Join a NCT coffee morning, link up with mums at church groups, find a Children’s centre? It sounds like you’ve been through a very traumatic time and need a village at the moment. Sorry your mum is being so unsupportive

I'm so sorry you had this experience@Bohun and hope your little one is doing OK now. Im also horrified at how your mum has reacted.

My DD1 had sepsis at 24hrs old and it was very scary (btw - were you ever tested for Group B Strep in pregnancy?) She spent two weeks in NICU / SCBU in the end. I think the questions never really stop. I had an amazing HV who put in me touch with some support groups / CBT etc and that helped a little. I also went to some baby groups for mums who needed extra support (some of us had babies that had been ill / prem, mums with poor english, young mums etc). I cried a lot during my mat leave but it did get better.

In hindsight, I wish I'd maybe considered some individual therapy for me and / or maybe a low dose of antidepressants.

You might also want to consider something like an owlet sock for extra peace of mind? I did find it made me a bit more of an anxious mum but 3yrs on, DD1 is thriving so there will be light at the end of the tunnel 💐

Bohun it sounds like such a stressful time for you all.

Have you considered going through the hospitals pals department? They are there to assist with queries and would usually be able to connect you with the relevant matron for your department who could assist you with any unresolved queries or worries.

They aren't open at the weekends but usually have an email address to use.

Hope things improve for you

It's very stressful and worrying but it's not something the gp can help with. The health visitor is in a better position. Whilst this is very scary for you, the hospital is giving follow up care at the interval that is right medically.