Terrible time with newborn

[BritInNZ]

Hey everyone - I have a 3 week old son and just wanted to share my frustrations and see if anyone is in the same boat or has any ideas/tips...

My son had a rough start in NICU for a week and when we got home we had a settled few days. I now realise this is because he was sick so was conserving his energy.

Ever since then I am having horrific days/nights. He will scream for hours on end and nothing I do consoles him. Today he screamed from 5am-3pm and I got incredibly upset and my DH had to come home and help. This was on top of an unsettled night where I could get him down but then he'd wake within half an hour. He takes so long to settle after feeds too that by the time he's asleep he's ready for his next feed.

He is quite gassy so we've been doing heaps of burping and trying Infacol and Rhuger but nothing I'm doing is helping. I knew the newborn phase would be hard but this is next level and I am really struggling. I have no idea what else I can try?!

Hi OP.

Mama of a 6 week old here and I could’ve write your post, aside from the NICU bit, hope he’s doing okay now, besides the screaming!

My DD is the same - the minute she’s finished a feed she will start screaming, often fighting sleep for hours. Makes it impossible have visitors or take her anywhere. DH had to come home a few times and is now sick from work it’s that bad.

I feel I haven’t bonded with her as all I’m subjected to is screaming and it’s pretty hard to do anything else like tummy time. I know it’s not her fault but it’s so hard.
Have you looked into reflux (even silent form) or CMPA?
We’re currently on Neocate formula to trial and were given Gaviscon for her but it made her constipated and another reason to cry so stopped that. The problem is nothing is a quick fix like an illness, it’s all trial and error to rule things out.

Have you spoken to your HV/GP? Be insistent, you know your baby best and I was adamant something wasn’t right for the same reasons as you; babies cry and are difficult, but not like this.
You’re not alone, stay strong and sending a hug, it’s not easy at all.

Sorry for any typos, got her asleep on me as we speak so typing one handed!

Ask the HV for help, to rule out discomfort.

Do you have a soft cloth sling? That can make life easier at home and you can go for a walk with him in one.

Find out about baby groups near you, it helps you meet other mums and you could stay in touch through WhatsApp groups etc even or meet up for coffee.

Babies pick up on stress and you sound stressed! Which is understandable with a newborn but anything you can do to relax (notice your breathing and body language, do some things to calm yourself like the odd bath, hot chocolate etc). I used to sing a lot both for myself and the baby - doesn't matter what, just sing and it makes you breathe deeply, passes time better when the baby is crying and soothes the baby a bit.

Try writing out an account of the birth and NICU stay, it will help you process the trauma of it and move on.

I don't have answers about the screaming and sleep, but it won't be this way forever. The first few months are like some awful survival test, like camping on Everest or something - just get through it one day or hour or minute at a time!

@halloumi1 thanks for the reply - he's doing heaps better now, you'd never even guess he had a NICU stay!

I'm sorry to hear you're having a similar experience. When they scream for hours, you don't get a break at all because they're ready to feed again before you know it. I've also struggled to bond because of his constant screaming and not having any actual 'enjoyable' time together.

My midwife (equivalent of HV here in NZ) came around and said he's taking on my milk really quickly which is causing painful wind so I've been extra diligent with winding. I also saw an osteo and I feel like that has made a bit of a difference in that he can bring wind up much easier now.

I knew a newborn would be hard and I would be sleep deprived but this is next level. And even friends who have baby's have said the same!

@Squamata thanks for the reply - and yes I'm glad this won't last forever, it just feels like forever at the moment!

I do have a soft wrap and he loves it. The difficulty is when he falls asleep in it and I want to take my chance to nap myself and try to extricate myself and he wakes up... the worst!

I have met some people through antenatal but none of us are quite brave enough yet to face the real world, so it will be nice when we can meet in person and feel comfortable in doing so!

He will scream for hours on end and nothing I do consoles him. Today he screamed from 5am-3pm and I got incredibly upset and my DH had to come home and parent.

fixed that for you xx

Ffs @Nimbostratus100 if you have nothing helpful maybe just say nothing.

@BritInNZ could he be hungry? Mine was screaming so much we were convinced it was colic, then we added some formula to his routine and he was instantly so much more content.

@YearoftheRabbit23 funny you say that, I gave him formula yesterday evening and he was like a different baby! And today I did a late lunch feed with formula and he has been very happy and content. So perhaps I'm not producing enough breast milk to fully satisfy him, so will keep testing and trying. Thank you 😊

Have you looked into CMPA? This is exactly how it presented for my little one who was also in NICU. Early antibiotics can be a factor

@Nimbostratus100 you clearly have no idea what it's like to go through this ... and you're a fucking twat to boot.

Every time he makes a noise at all put him to the boob. Basically, assume he is hungry as the first point of call every time. Formula top ups will diminish your supply so if your goal was to breastfeed stop them now. The best way to make milk is to be topless, skin to skin and feed as much as possible.

It sounds like he has painful wind and silent reflux. Do you keep him upright? Are you trying to put him down in between feeds? If he has silent reflux this will feel awfully painful for him so he'll scream.

Some newborns simply need to be held/feel your heartbeat etc for the fourth trimester. People like Kathryn Stagg and Sarah Ockwell Smith have loads of newborn soothing advice. The tiger in the tree hold can calm a distressed newborn well.

Interesting, what is it that you don't understand about my post? too subtle for you maybe?

What make you think I haven't cared for multiple new borns?

@BritInNZ ah glad some extra food seems to be helping, hopefully that is all that was the matter. And absolutely no shame or problem in supplementing with formula, fed is best!!

Hope it continues to improve and enjoy the little one.

And contrary to what another poster says, formula feeding will not necessarily diminish your supply. It had no impact on mine and it did not cause any nipple confusion. Basically do what works for you and baby!

Did he have a dummy in nicu? Might be worth trying one to see if it gives him any comfort? My babies were very sucky and loved their dummies.

Sounds so hard, try to be kind to yourself. If you do get him settled and asleep, just sit and hold him as this will help him get a longer sleep, and the more sleep they get, the better they are at sleeping next time.

No we fully get that you're being a twat because the OP said she called her husband home to help @Nimbostratus100. There just wasn't any need for it, as nothing in your reply offering any advice relevant to the OP.